Interracial Dating: Preference or Self-Hate?

May seems to be the month of Love, with praise, criticism, and opinions flying around hot topics like the race of Donald Glover’s (Childish Gambino) girlfriend, and the new Duchess of Sussex. While the idea of dating is fun and electric, the act of dating is heavily centered around our environment, experiences, trauma and psychology of interpersonal relationships within and outside of our ethnic groups.

Patterns and preferences are a result of learned behavior and responses to these very things. We learn from experiences with certain types of people, from the implicit and explicit societal “norms and standards”, and from the methods we use when we begin, maintain, and end relationships with others, as well as OURSELVES.

This highlights why unhealthy, and often toxic relationships are overwhelmingly present within the Black community. The Black community as an entity is extremely broken. From adolescence to adulthood, we are constantly provided examples of dysfunctional relationships and a persistent lack of unity. A lot of us come from single-parent households or households with parents who are toxic for each other, families who fight with each other like rival gang members, communities that lack nurturing and resources for higher learning, and environments that perpetuate a “crabs in a barrel” mentality.

Blurred Lines

This is where the fine line between developing dating preferences, and negatively generalizing a particular group of people becomes blurred and dangerous. Preference is the combination of conscious and subconscious attraction to certain personality traits and physical characteristics of another individual – emphasis on the attraction being natural. Negative generalization is when a particular group of people are automatically associated with undesirable traits and are devalued due to a person’s individual experiences with certain types of people who happen to be of the same ethnic background.

We register our interactions and experiences in order to sense potential threats to our well-being before placing ourselves in compromising positions. Think of how cavemen learned that fire was dangerous. After burning themselves, they understood that heat is harmful. Even further, they understood that smoke signified fire. From that moment forward they most likely avoided areas that had smoke, or learned that if smoke was in their premises, they should evacuate the area immediately.

It does not work that way with ethnicity. Nationality does not determine personality types. There may be similarities in personal beliefs or ways of living based on heritage, traditions, and culture; but experiences with individuals from the same ethnic background will never be identical.

The Danger with Preferences

The danger with preferences is that we usually end up simultaneously generalizing a group of people. More so, we come up with these likes and dislikes from a self-centered point of view, not taking into account the life experiences that have helped mold someone of a particular ethnicity or demographic into the person they are now. We tend to think about our own needs, desires, and feelings whether we mean to or not. So we often don’t approach relationships with the mindset to truly get to know and understand our partners.

Donald Glover is facing heavy criticism because of his reaction to his experiences, which isn’t fair. The mother of his child is White, and he has dated women outside of his race in the past, and this seems to be his preference – and that’s okay. While it is understood where this sense of hurt is coming from from Black twitter and our fellow sisters on the internet, being with a White woman does not make Donald Glover anti-Black, and it doesn’t mean he hates Black women (he just prefers not to date them).

Keeping Black Women Lifted

If Donald Glover had defended his preference for White women by tearing down Black women, then the accusation of him hating Black women would be accurate. What I’ve watched and read so far is a result of his experiences with certain types of Black women. To be fair, he is a type of weird that takes a certain openness that most of us do not acquire until we grow older and gain more life experiences. While he generalized and stated that all Black women are not into nerdy men, he also did not call them non-marriageable. He did not call them loud, nor did he call them attitudinal, ugly, or non-contributing members of society.

Black women are openly criticized as being ugly, the least exotic, and least desirable group of women on earth. We are explicitly rejected by men from all nationalities, but the men from our own race bash us and criticize us the most, which isn’t seen by men in any other race. Not to be confused with women-haters and misogynists being present in cultures across the globe. I’m saying that I haven’t heard men from other nationalities publicly express that their women are ugly, worthless, and non-marriageable like Black men do OFTEN. So, it is understood where this push back is coming from.

A$AP Rocky has openly expressed that he views Black women as ugly when he made that insensitive remark about us not being able to rock red lipstick. Kodak Black has openly expressed that Black women are “ugly” on Instagram by derogatorily stating he does not date Black women and only likes red bones and “yellow hoes”, and proceeded to name the type of women that can get his time, energy, and “money” – all of the ladies named were White, light-skinned, or Latina.

Where’s The “Black Love”?

Taking away Donald Glover’s preference to date White women, also takes away our right as Black women to date and pursue White men. I commonly hear Black women state that “Black men ain’t shit” or “I’m not dating Black men anymore, they’re not about shit”. The overall experience for Black women who mainly or solely date Black men seems to be that African American men are “incapable” of remaining faithful, respectful, committed, and compassionate; but not all Black men are like this in relationships.

There are Black men who defend Black women when they are criticized by men inside and outside of their race. There are Black men who prefer to only date Black women. There absolutely are Black men who know how to pour their time, love, energy, and resources into a Black woman. Just as we know there are amazing Black women out there that are rejected by their own men before even being given a chance when they are generalized by self-hating men.

The Face of Self-Hate and A Side-Effect of Racism

As a Black woman, declaring that you are no longer dating Black men and will only date outside of your race is a complete rejection of ALL Black men (if you are making this decision without having had a positive experience dating someone outside of your own ethnic group). Serena Williams was wrongfully slammed for marrying and starting a family with a man who is non-Black. She is not a sell out, nor does she hate Black men. She happened to try dating outside of her race, and her story was a successful one. She has that right!

In comparison, Meghan Markle recently became the new Duchess of Sussex and she received nothing but PRAISE, especially from Black women. The internet saw almost a complete 180 from the bashing of Donald Glover for the choice of his life partner to the rejoicing of Meghan Markle’s new found marriage. I will not take her Blackness away from her because colorism is another battle we’re fighting in the Black community, but I as a darker toned Black woman, did not feel the win everyone else did by her marrying Prince Harry. Without seeing her mom and having the knowledge that she is biracial, I never would have guessed that she is Black by looking at her.

Mind Your Business

The same women who slammed Donald Glover for not only portraying a “certain type” of Black woman in his show Atlanta (which wasn’t supposed to be a representation of all Black women) and coincidentally casting one of the few respectable Black women on the show with a light-skinned woman, are now accepting Meghan Markle as a representation of all Black women without a question.

We have the right to be disappointed and hurt, but we do not have the right to tell people who they can date, and we certainly do not have the right to attack someone’s pride in their culture based on their preference. Love isn’t about making a statement that is pro-Black or anti-White, it is about professing your love for another person that you know you can’t find anywhere else.