“Don’t be afraid to stand your ground.” – A True Story of Stealthing, Choosing Abortion, and the Aftermath

The following piece on abortion was shared with us anonymously and we were given permission to publish it to our readers.

It’s a true experience of why a Black woman chose to have an abortion, having the procedure, and the aftermath of her choice.

The Sex

I’m in love with a wonderful man. Prior to this relationship, I had not been intimate with anyone in eight years.

I was well prepared for this. I purchased two 50 packs of *flavored condoms from Adam and Eve. I am unable to use traditional birth control methods due to a blood clotting issue, so the condoms were my way of protecting myself.

In the beginning, it was no problem. He abided by my request.

However, after being together for a year, he seemed to become bothered by my request to use a condom. Sometimes he would start with it on, then slide it off in the middle, sometimes I caught it, sometimes I didn’t.

It got to the point where I just stopped fighting. It bothered me and it bothered me that he didn’t respect my wishes, but I just gave up trying.

However, I continued to express how serious matters would be if I got pregnant. I repeatedly stated, “I cannot get pregnant. My body can’t take that.”

The Choice

So, as you can imagine. It was only a matter of time before it happened. At age 41, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant.

My daughter is 25 years old and I had decided years ago that I did not want any more children. However, I have to admit, I was a little excited.

My first pregnancy was rough and I felt like I was cheated from the experience. I was only 17, I was very sick, and was only able to carry my daughter until my 6th month of pregnancy.

She was born one pound and had a stay in the hospital for five months before coming home with a permanent cognitive disability.

The father, also 17, was exactly what you would expect a 17-year-old to be – absent. So the thought of being an adult, in love with a wonderful man, and being able to have a baby the right way was exciting to me.

Maybe this time I’d get to experience all the wonderful things that I missed before – having a baby bump, feeling the kicks, having a baby shower, breastfeeding…..all those motherly things.

This dream was crushed when I was told that my pregnancy was considered high risk, more specifically, life-threatening.

I was told that due to my blood clotting condition, as well as my fibroids, my age, and weight, this would be a very dangerous pregnancy to try to carry to term.

Not impossible, but very dangerous. I had a big decision to make and it was not going to be easy.
My first thought focused on the child.

The child didn’t ask to be here. I felt in my heart I should do everything I can to move forward and try to bring this child into the world.

But it was my second thought, that made it hard. What if something were to happen to me? What about my 25 year old disabled child who depends on me, loves me, and needs me? Would that be fair to her?

After several weeks of contemplating, my boyfriend and I decided the best thing to do would be to terminate the baby.

It wasn’t easy for us. But taking myself away from my daughter at the risk of bringing another child into the world was just too great a risk for us to take.

The Procedure

So there I was…age 41, laying there listening to a team of doctors and nurses explain the abortion procedure step by step.

They made sure that I was aware of all of my options before they began. My boyfriend and I held hands and listened, knowing that our decision, regardless of how difficult, was already made.

I was informed that I would not be put to sleep, but my cervix would be numbed. They said it would be uncomfortable, a lot of pressure, and then a period of horrible cramping that would only last for a few brief moments.

Then the abortion procedure would be done. The whole thing should be no more than 10 minutes tops.

Afterward, I’ll experience some cramping over the next few days, but they shouldn’t be too severe.
Well, that wasn’t the case for me. The entire abortion procedure was horrific pain from start to finish.

Even typing this makes me cringe and squeeze my thighs together. There are no words to describe what I felt.

There was the pinching of the speculum, which they had to take out and put back in so it can be re-positioned; the doctor moving instruments around inside me to see because my fibroids were blocking their view; the pressure of the ultrasound above my belly to help guide them inside because of their limited view; the incredible unbelievable pressure; and finally – the cramping that felt like my entire insides were being removed piece by piece.

I didn’t anticipate this level of pain. I didn’t anticipate holding the nurse’s hands so hard I felt I had to apologize. I didn’t anticipate the screaming, crying, and yelling, “Please stop”. I was beginning to get overheated.

They applied an ice pack across my forehead. I felt so dizzy and lightheaded. I felt completely broken, weak, and hurt (physically and emotionally).

I remember screaming out to the baby, “I’m so sorry……so, so sorry”. Because I really was.
What seemed like a never-ending medieval form of punishment finally came to an end.

The doctor removed all the instruments/equipment out of me. They placed a heating pack on my belly; refreshed the ice pack on my head; and told me to try to relax because I have a lot of adrenaline going.

I lay there almost like I was in shock. What the heck just happened to me? I felt like I had nothing left in me to move, not even to lift my head.

My boyfriend was able to return to the room with me now. I just remember holding his hand and just crying from the pain and discomfort of the abortion.

I laid there for a while before finally trying to stand up and get dressed. I was ready to go home.

The Problem

The first couple of days were exactly what they stated. Cramping, but not unbearable.

However, on that third day, everything changed. I found myself in so much pain, that it hurt for me to even get off the couch to use the restroom.

There was no comfortable position, no relief from pain medication, no relief from the heating pad.

I was curled up in the fetal position. This wasn’t right.

Stubborn as always, rather than call for help, I drove myself to the maternity triage where they had advised me to go if I had any complications.

After an examination, it was determined that I had developed an infection in my cervix. My boyfriend arrived and demanded I get something to subside the pain.

They tried, but nothing helped. Oral medication, IV medication…..nothing soothed this pain that felt very similar to contractions.

They would come so hard and then subside, then return with a vengeance every few minutes.

Finally, they found a pain medication that worked. They also started me on the antibiotic. After several hours of receiving medications and fluids, I was released to go back home.

I was given Percocet and the antibiotic. Oh, and did I mention throughout this entire ordeal that I’d been giving myself daily injections of Lovenox in my abdomen to prevent clots, as per my hematologist’s instructions.

Eventually, over the next few days, the medication began to make a significant difference.

However, on that third day, everything changed. I found myself in so much pain, that it hurt for me to even get off the couch to use the restroom.

There was no comfortable position, no relief from pain medication, no relief from the heating pad.

I was curled up in the fetal position. This wasn’t right.

Stubborn as always, rather than call for help, I drove myself to the maternity triage where they had advised me to go if I had any complications.

After an examination, it was determined that I had developed an infection in my cervix. My boyfriend arrived and demanded I get something to subside the pain.

They tried, but nothing helped. Oral medication, IV medication…..nothing soothed this pain that felt very similar to contractions.

They would come so hard and then subside, then return with a vengeance every few minutes.

Finally, they found a pain medication that worked. They also started me on the antibiotic. After several hours of receiving medications and fluids, I was released to go back home.

I was given Percocet and the antibiotic. Oh, and did I mention throughout this entire ordeal that I’d been giving myself daily injections of Lovenox in my abdomen to prevent clots, as per my hematologist’s instructions.

Eventually, over the next few days, the medication began to make a significant difference.

The Aftermath

It’s been about two weeks. I’ve come to grips emotionally with my decision to have an abortion.

Physically, the pain has finally subsided. I’m recovering. But it’s an experience that will stay with me.

It was traumatizing on so many levels. I felt like I put my body and my heart through hell.

And who’s to say that my emotions won’t come back around and sneak up on me when I least expect it…maybe while watching a diaper commercial or standing in line behind a lady rubbing her huge baby bump.

I can’t say for sure that this is over. What I can say for sure, is that I’ll never put myself in this position again.

The Lesson

Stand up for yourself. Yes, I love my boyfriend and I trust him. But I learned that I can’t let love or trust blind me and make me disregard my own health and my own wishes regarding sex.

I should have continued to stress how important protected sex is, especially with my health issues.

I should have stood my ground.

Moving forward, we will not continue to make that mistake.

They were finally able to find a pill for me that doesn’t contain estrogen. It’s called the minipill.

And with that, I’ll be pushing our use of condoms.

Don’t be afraid to stand your ground!!

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*Flavored condoms are best used for oral sex on a man only. There are flavored dental dams for use when performing safe oral sex on a woman or oral-anal sex on the anus. The sugars and chemicals on flavored condoms can cause vaginal infections.

Always switch to a latex or non-latex condom (if you have latex allergies) when having vaginal sex and you want to use condoms as a form of safer sex.