Petula Caesar Gets Real About Lightskin Privilege and Pain in Memoir: She's Such A Bright Girl

Baltimore-based writer Petula Caesar’s first book, a memoir entitled She’s Such A Bright Girl: An American Story has been recognized nationally. A panel of award-winning writers recognized her book as one of the top works submitted for consideration to North Street Book Prize, which honors the top self-published books in the nation in categories ranging from poetry to literary fiction to children’s books.

Out of nearly one thousand entries, Petula’s book finished among the 11 awarded winners, receiving an honorable mention in the Non-Fiction category. In talking about the book, the judging panel described the book as “an exploration of the intersections of racism, classism, and sexism with a focus on colorism within the author’s nuclear family,” adding that the book “urgently needs a wider audience…this book should be included in high school and undergraduate classes on racism and sexism. It’s that good. It’s that important.”

Read the full review here.

Petula and her book have been the impetus for several passionate and tense discussions about racism, colorism, classism, and privilege that she facilitates at local library branches and in other community spaces. She’s also publicly shared some of the more humorous elements of her struggles as well, most recently at the popular quarterly event Stoop Storytellers. Petula’s story of mistaken identity was a big hit at The Senator Theater this past October, drawing laughs and uncomfortable silence from the hundreds intently listening to her story.

“I relish the tension that happens when people hear about, or read about my story,” Petula says. “That tension, that discomfort, that weird silence that happens when people are struggling with their feelings around a subject is absolutely necessary. We cannot begin to do the incredibly difficult internal work of addressing our feelings around race, color, class, privilege, and so on without that discomfort. If my book, and the conversations it leads to don’t make you uncomfortable at times, angry at times, or even sad at times, I’ve done a poor job as a writer, as a facilitator of difficult conversations, and as a storyteller in general.”

Dangerous Lee Talks To Petula Caesar

Dangerous Lee: As the mother of a mixed child who is considerably lighter than me, reading the first chapter of your book pissed me off and it also reminded me of ignorant comments made towards me and my daughter by family as well as strangers in regard to conversations about her complexion and ethnicity. How is Jasmine today? What’s she up to?

Petula Caesar: Well, Jasmine is in her mid-twenties now, and she’s doing okay for the most part. She is a history major at the University of Maryland and aspires to work in museums one day. She also writes, just like her momma!

In the first chapter of the book, I make reference to the fact that her father, who was a very dark-skinned man, wasn’t pleased with her complexion. Unfortunately, that sentiment was one that existed throughout his family, and when Jasmine was very young, they were very cruel in their treatment of her – her dad, his mom, and other extended family.

It took a toll on her. But she and I talk quite openly about her struggles around this. There is a video where I talk to her about the events in Chapter 1.

Dangerous Lee: In chapter 6, you talk about how growing up no one was allowed to hit you or discipline you with beatings. As I read this chapter I thought: Damn, she escaped being abused physically but it was done using mental abuse. Thoughts?

Petula Caesar: That is very true – escaping physical abuse did not mean escaping abuse entirely for me. I am thankful that my dad did not want me to think violence was normal growing up. I am thankful that he was wise enough to recognize that we should be appalled by violence, and not just think of it as some sort of natural occurrence in Black people’s lives.

As an adult, I have met people who have experienced the normalization of violence in their lives, and they are some of the most damaged people I know. Also, we live in a violent nation, a nation that is built on centuries of normalized violence which just adds to the dysfunction of Americans of all races.

But speaking specifically about me, while the absence of physical abuse was wonderful, the mental abuse was present and was harmful. Once I was talking about my childhood and things I experienced with a friend and he said, “Wow…even the way your parents f**ked you up was White – they messed with your head instead of your body.”

It’s unfortunate that some Black people see mental abuse as somehow less important, or less damaging. Its one of the reasons why the stigma of getting help with mental health issues exists.

Dangerous Lee: In chapter 15, you talk about getting your first big chop and how almost everyone around you made it clear they didn’t like it. In spite of that, you felt more beautiful and confident than ever. Even when your dad offered you $1000 and a Dark & Lovely perm kit! Did each negative, obviously self-hating experience give you more positive confirmation?

Petula Caesar: Now keep in mind my first big chop was late 1990s, when it wasn’t as celebrated as it is now. And doing it really did give me a tremendous boost of confidence. I have always been a bit of a rebel, and evidently, because I was light-skinned I was “supposed” to have long straight hair – this was what my parents said, and what society said too – and if it wasn’t straight it should at least be long.

I enjoyed rebelling against that foolishness. And it also forced me to really come to terms with what my face looked like – I have never really liked my face much, but not having hair to worry about made me get in the mirror and observe the color of my eyes, the curve of my lips, the angle of my cheeks, the width of my forehead.

I started to love my face, as imperfect as I still felt it was. So, in a way, every negative thing that was said to me about my lack of hair made me examine the rest of me more closely; it was more important to love the rest of me because there was no hair to love! And any love of myself I have today started then, the first time I cut off all my hair.

Dangerous Lee: You talk in great detail about your autistic son, Noah, and how he was violent as a child. You also speak about getting to a place where you were finally able to focus on treatment for his mental health. It made me think about viral videos of small Black children “misbehaving” in public circulating the internet and how most of the responses are that the child needs an ass whopping. Can you speak to the problem with that and how is
Noah today?

Petula Caesar: I don’t understand why social media has to be involved when parents discipline their children. It adds an extra layer of emotion in an already volatile and difficult situation that doesn’t need to be there. Now, instead of focusing on correcting your child’s behavior as a parent, you’ve brought your ego into it, your need for validation as a parent, your exhaustion with dealing with your kids, etc.

The minute disciplining a child focuses on anything other than correcting behavior, its gone wrong. Adding social media to the mix doesn’t help at all.

As for Noah, both sides of his family were definitely in the “Noah needs an ass-whooping” camp. Black American culture has a long history of physical abuse disguised as discipline, and I certainly understand those traditions, their history, and why they exist. But explaining to extended family that Noah’s challenges with autism weren’t going to be “beat” out of him didn’t always work.

So, I kept him away from extended family, even though on the rare occasions when he was around them, he behaved very appropriately. I had to pick and choose my battles around where to put my energy – explaining to all those people wasn’t what I chose to do.

But people’s willingness to inflict violence on him also made me work harder to protect Noah (which did him a disservice at times.) I always felt like the world was after my son, was trying to hurt my son – because he was Black and male first of all, and then he had this added issue – his behavior could cause a police officer to react with deadly force if my son ever encountered one.

The schools he attended often tried to expel him instead of helping me find resources for him, his dad wasn’t always helpful, his sister didn’t always understand why her brother was the way he was. She was afraid of him at times. I often felt like it was just me and my son against the world, and no one wanted to help him/us.

I didn’t seriously date for years in part because I feared I would end up with a man who might hurt my son if he had an episode. But I was lucky – I was able to arrange my life in a way so that I could get Noah help…a LOT of help.

Talk therapy, and eventually medication have done wonders for him. My son is much better today. He is much better at managing his emotional self. I’m looking forward to him being able to live independently very soon. And he also writes!

Dangerous Lee: Have you made your mental health a priority? How?

Petula Caesar: There is a chapter in the book where my dad has a breakdown and is diagnosed with manic depression (which is what they called it then; today it’s called bipolar disorder). And my mom’s mother spent some time in a mental hospital and was always considered “touched” in the head.

My daughter is diagnosed with clinical depression, and my son is autistic. So while mental health was always something that was in my life, for a LONG time I didn’t prioritize my own mental health. I went with my dad to therapy sessions, with my daughter, with my son, but for YEARS did nothing for myself. Isn’t that crazy?

But I rectified that in the past couple of years. Now I have a therapist, a grief counselor, AND a life coach. I really realized that I couldn’t continue to pour from an empty cup.

I started doing things to fill myself up, like getting counseling, so I could pour into others and still be okay. Everything starts with your mind. If that isn’t right, nothing else will be.

Dangerous Lee: Were you ever able to have a real conversation with your dad about his parenting and the abuse he experienced as a child?

Petula Caesar: Not really, unfortunately. When I became an adult, my dad had gotten his manic depression diagnosis, so a lot of our relationship was about me helping him get help with his manic depression.

He was in and out of the hospital periodically, his manic episodes got more intense. There was a lot going on. We didn’t have a bad relationship, but I knew there wasn’t going to be a “come to Jesus” moment.

I accepted that he did his best by me, and I believe he accepted that I was ultimately going to do what I wanted, not what he wanted. He passed away when I was in my late 30s.

Dangerous Lee: How is your relationship with your mom today? Is she still unable or unwilling to express her thoughts and feelings?

Petula Caesar: My mom passed away last February, right as I was finishing this book. I hate the fact that she never saw it, but before she passed away we did have some very honest, truth-filled moments.

These moments weren’t long drawn out conversations, but they gave me a sense of who she was. She shared some things with me. I wish we’d had more time, but what I got was enough to sustain me.

I miss her very much, but I truly believe that even now she’s with me, as is my dad, my grandparents, and all my ancestors. I hope I will continue to be their wildest dreams come to life.

Learn more about Petula and her book at PetulaCaesar.com. You can hear her Stoop story in her Media Room, along with her interview at Baltimores NPR station WYPR-FM.