Throw away your phone and those monthly bills. The netTALK DUO WiFi the only patented VoIP telephone (netTALK DUO / DUO WiFi) device that connects via wireless, USB, or traditional Internet connection. MSRP $64.95 comes with one year free service, … Continue reading
With the festive season fast approaching, many people will undoubtedly be thinking exactly the same thing – what present do I buy for that ridiculously hard-to-buy-for person? Let’s face it, everybody knows one. There’s always at least one person who … Continue reading
The holidays are fast approaching and with each day, budgets and wallets begin their yearly shriek of dismay. Shopping for so many people can quickly add up and though it may seem easy to stick everything on “plastic,” the repercussions … Continue reading
Image by: Andrea Goh There’s no doubt about it, at every family celebration we always overestimate the amount of food we need. Whether it’s after Thanksgiving or Christmas, there are plates of potatoes, various vegetables, pies, puddings, and of course, … Continue reading
The Ghost of Christmases Past
“Remember last Christmas, when Daddy…?”
When Daddy was still here. When Daddy was still alive or when Daddy was still living with you, whichever the case may be. When Daddy took the kids sledding, or when Daddy reached up to place the tree-topper without needing a stepladder, or when Daddy fought all day to assemble the presents the kids had gotten that admitted “Some assembly required.” Some?!
Is that the kind of reminiscing that’s going on in your house?
Or maybe it wasn’t just last year that Daddy did whatever you’re remembering over Christmas. Maybe he’s been gone—divorced or dead—two years or more already.
The question here is: Is that kind of reminiscing a healthy thing to do? And the answer is, Yes and No.
No if the kids are having a happy holiday season and you drag them down by reminiscing and introducing a sad subject.
Yes if the kids bring it up themselves…and don’t dwell endlessly on it.
No if Dad is divorced from you, and the subject is raised in bitterness.
Yes if Dad is dead rather than divorced.
Life goes on…but the past isn’t always the past
It’s important to live for today and for tomorrow, but we can’t help reminiscing about yesterday. It just isn’t healthy to live in the past—remembering fondly is one thing; being dragged down by memories is something else. If your kids’ father is alive but no longer living with them and you, honor and respect their sadness but don’t encourage their dwelling endlessly on the past. It’s not going to change anything, even though they may wish for a reconciliation and his return to the household. Refocus their thoughts on the fun you’re going to have this year.
If their father is deceased, totally gone from their lives, that’s a fact they have to accept, unlike the case of a divorce, where hope for a return may spring eternal despite your insistence that it’s not going to happen. In the case of a death, some dwelling on the past is less damaging as it’s not going to lead to their being filled with false hopes for a return.
The past lives on in our memories and helps form who we are. You do not want to erase your children’s good memories of their dad, even if he was a lying, cheating, no-good husband. Those good memories are an important part of their childhood. No matter what bitterness you may harbor toward your ex, he was still their father. On the other hand, you also want to encourage them to look ahead.
New traditions
One way to accomplish this—regardless of whether their father is gone by virtue of death or divorce—is by instituting new traditions. Don’t try to start 10 new traditions in one year. That’s overload. One or two or three are workable numbers. You can always add another new tradition next year, if you want. These can be big traditions or small and can center around the actual day of Christmas itself or the holiday season in general.
If your imagination fails you and you can’t think of a Christmas season tradition to institute, perhaps you could borrow a tradition from my book Family Traditions, Customs, and Celebrations. Though the original hardbound edition is out of print, it has been re-released as an e-book and is available on the web from Secret Cravings Publishing or from Amazon.com.
Give your children something to enjoy now and remember fondly in the future concerning the holiday season, something that doesn’t involve their father.
Missing your ex
The truth is, especially if you were not the one who asked for the divorce but even if the divorce was your idea, you may be looking back fondly too. That’s normal. It does not mean you made a mistake by divorcing him, or you are weak-willed, or anything like that. Surely the marriage was not all bad. There must have been some good times too. And it is natural to remember them fondly. If he had been a totally unremitting S.O.B. you never would have married him in the first place.
The point, though, is not to wallow in a tear-fest and not to encourage your kids to do so either. We can’t forget the past, nor do we want to, but we don’t want to dwell on it interminably either. Move on. Don’t have a sad holiday season. Be sure to make it a truly Merry Christmas.
This week, as Thanksgiving approaches here in the States, many of you will be facing your first holiday as a solo parent. What I have to say applies most particularly to those of you who are newly on your own, though many of the rest of you, who’ve been divorced or widowed for a while now, can benefit from it as well.
One of the traditional Thanksgiving hymns is “We Gather Together,” and that’s what most of us do on Thanksgiving: gather together for a family meal. But if you were divorced or widowed within the last year, you may feel like you’re not so much of a family anymore. Have you said to someone, “It’s just the kids and me—” in a way that implies that the absence of your husband downgrades your status from “family” to something lesser?
Hogwash! You’re still a family…and it’s important that you convey a sense of this to your kids.
Yes, the makeup of a “traditional” family was always considered to be Mom, Dad, and one or more kids. But this is 2011, and all sorts of other configurations are also possible. What of the grandma who’s raising her grandkids? Are she and they any less of a family than the traditional so-called “nuclear family”? What of the two lesbian mothers who live together with their kids in a household that offers two moms and no dad? Aren’t they a family too? So why should you feel any less entitled to the label “family” now that your husband is no longer part of the household? You’re still a family—very much a family—and, again, it’s important that you convey a sense of this to your kids.
Love and connection are what make you a family—not the presence in the household of a certain prescribed number of adults and kids.
The word “family” has all kinds of mostly good associations: love, warmth, protection, sharing, belonging. These are the feelings you want to instill and encourage in your kids. You very much want them to feel they’re still a part of a family, a loving and supportive family, even though their father is no longer a member of the household.
Over the upcoming holidays, Thanksgiving and, on beyond it, Christmas, you may be tempted to alter your tradition. If Thanksgiving in your house was usually a small-family affair, just the two of you and the kids, you may be tempted to do something entirely different this year, so you and the kids don’t feel your ex-husband’s or late husband’s absence so keenly. And that’s not necessarily a bad idea. Getting together with one or more other families headed by solo parents like you is one option. Volunteering at a soup kitchen (if your kids are old enough) is another option. Some families will simply go away for the weekend, if their budgets can afford it—if not something extravant and distant, like Disney, then something closer to home and more budget-friendly, for a change of scene and a break in the Thanksgiving routine of years past…since this year isn’t going to be like years past anyhow.
There’s nothing wrong with doing any of those things (or some other “new tradition”), but if your Thanksgiving celebration in years past involved just the two of you and your kids, gathered around the dining table in your home, consider staying home with the kids this year as well, and having a quiet but thankful holiday just to yourselves. It sends the kids a message—or several messages. “We’re still a family.” “Some things have changed, but not everything changes. Life goes on.”
Of course, if you live geographically close to other family members, maybe your traditional Thanksgiving dinner celebration was spent with these others all along. If these were your side of the family, and you want to continue in the tradition, fine. But these days, in our “portable” culture, not everyone lives close to their family of origin. You may have moved to Seattle, leaving your parents back in Des Moines, while your only sibling now lives in Phoenix. For you, Thanksgiving in recent years has never been about extended family. It was always just you two and the kids. So now it’s just you and the kids.
You’re still family. And it’s still Thanksgiving. Don’t downplay the holiday “because it’s just us this year.” That makes the kids feel that they’re less important to you.
If money is an issue, remember that turkey leftovers will stretch for several nights’ dinners and/or lunch sandwiches, so although the initial outlay is not inconsiderable, pro rated over the number of meals you’ll get out of it, a turkey is not that expensive. You don’t have to get the biggest bird in the store. But don’t simply roast a chicken “because it’s just us.” Again, you’re sending the wrong message. There’s no “just” about you and your kids. You’re still very much a family, albeit a family that’s composed a little differently than in years past.
Whether or not you’re religious, and whether or not you say prayers of thanksgiving before your Thanksgiving repast, it wouldn’t hurt to express aloud the things you’re thankful for. This can be done before the meal, afterward, or at some other time during the day. It need not be formulated as a prayer or addressed to God, if you don’t happen to have a strong belief in the Deity. It can simply be a time of sharing with the family, when each family member expresses a list of what he or she is thankful for this year. When your turn comes, consider including “I’m thankful that we’re still a family” and “I’m thankful to have two wonderful kids like you” on your own list.
It’s Thanksgiving and, despite the disruption in your family’s life due to your husband’s permanent absence, you are still a family and you do still have much to be thankful for.
As you gather together this holiday, make sure your kids understand that.
This Thanksgiving, have you thought about thanking not just God but people? (To my Canadian readers, my apologies: I know you celebrated your Thanksgiving last month. And to my readers in other countries, bear with me. The thought is worth considering, even if it’s not your holiday.)
Now, I also recognize that you may be anywhere on the faith spectrum from deeply religious to believing but non-observant all the way to being an atheist with no belief in God at all. Your celebration of the annual holiday may therefore involve lots of prayer, both in church and at home, or no prayer at all, or somewhere in between.
No matter. What I have to say is relevant regardless of what your religious beliefs and observances are. You see, while taking nothing away from the tradition of thanking God for our blessings on this holiday, I do believe firmly that on Thanksgiving—or near Thanksgiving, if you don’t have the opportunity on the holiday itself—we should thank the people who make our lives better in both big ways and small.
Let’s start with your children. Depending on your circumstances, raising them as a solo parent might be something of a logistical nightmare for you, but even if that’s the case, I bet you’re glad you have them, and I bet there are things you’d want to thank them for if you thought about it.
Now’s your chance. Speak up. Tell them what the things are you appreciate. Tell them what you’re thankful for, even if it’s merely that they do their chores without too much prodding most of the time.
Do your parents live nearby? Do they help out with childcare? With financial aid? With moral support, encouragement, and advice? In some other way? Have you told them lately how much you appreciate what they do for you? It’s Thanksgiving—thank them.
Do you have a babysitter who makes herself available in the evening on short notice, or stays late willingly for after-school care when you’re stuck at work, or goes above and beyond by not just watching the kids but teaching them, or in some other way makes herself invaluable? Have you thanked her lately for what she does? If not, now’s a good opportunity.
If you’re divorced but on decent terms with your ex, here’s a novel thought: how about thanking him for not being the louse that so many exes can be. If he does the right thing—sees the kids when he’s supposed to, sends the child support checks when he’s supposed to, backs you up when the kids try to play both ends against the middle, and doesn’t play head games—thank him for being a decent ex and/or a decent dad.
There are undoubtedly also people who have less—or nothing at all—to do with your status as a solo parent but who also deserve thanks, and now is the time to express your appreciation to them, too. This being the Solo Parenting column, however, I am focusing here on matters specifically relevant to your status as a single parent.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. One of the things I am thankful for is having each of you as a reader. May you have a rewarding, fulfilling holiday season.
As I write this, it is still August and sweltering, but the local schools are poised to go back into session in mere days, I am editing two Christmas anthologies for an e-publisher, and I am starting to see ads and notices for Labor Day sales and activities. The world has put me on notice that fall is nearly here, and the fall and winter holidays are lurking around the corner of the calendar.
Are you ready?
I’ll deal with each of the holidays in turn, when we get closer to each one, but the point of this week’s article is that it’s not too early to do some serious thinking about them now. They present specific challenges for solo parents, as you’re doubtless aware if this isn’t your first year parenting on your own, and as you’re about to find out if it is.
Halloween
If your kids are teenagers, they may consider themselves too old for trick-or-treating. If they do go around begging candy, they’re old enough to go on their own, so you still don’t have a problem. But what if you’ve got one or more younger kids?
There are two issues:
1 – Suppose you have a little kid who needs to be accompanied and one old enough to go out on his/her own, but whom you don’t want to leave at home alone. If you take the little one around, who’s going to watch the older one before or after he/she goes trick-or-treating? Taking the older one with you on your rounds is not an optimal answer; he may resent having a parent go around with him at his age. Asking him to take his younger sibling may not be ideal either. He may want to go with his friends and not have a tag-along junior sib with him.
2 – Even if you have only one child, or two who are both young enough to go out with you, you may not want to leave the house unguarded. In some neighborhoods, not being home to answer the door and give out goodies is a certain invitation to getting your house toilet-papered or falling prey to other mischief.
The solutions?
1 – If you are divorced rather than widowed or never-married, and if your ex still lives in the area, elicit his help in taking the kids, or the younger child, on his/her/their rounds, while you stay home to guard the house or to wait for the older child who’s gone out on his own.
2 – Throw a Halloween party. Instead of your kids going out trick-or-treating, they can stay home and bob for apples, make caramel apples, play pin-the-nose-on-the-jack-o’lantern (make your own jack o’lantern and noses out of brown wrapping paper and paint) and other games, make masks out of plain white paper plates, and have fun. Be sure to supply plenty of candy so they don’t feel cheated by missing trick-or-treating.
Thanksgiving and Christmas
Problem # 1: You were accustomed to going to your husband’s family’s house for the holidays, and now you’re divorced, and that’s no longer an option.
Problem # 2: Your ex has got the kids this year, and you don’t want to be alone for holiday dinner.
Problem # 3: You were used to having dinner at home with your husband and the kids, but now he’s gone—divorced or deceased—and you think Thanksgiving on your own with just the kids won’t feel very festive. You don’t have family living in the area, or if you do, for whatever reason having holiday dinner with them is not an option.
The three solutions below are not intended to match up to the three numbered problems above. There just happen to be three of each.
Solution # 1: Invite other solo parents and their kids to join you and your kids for a covered dish dinner. You might roast the bird yourself and let everyone else bring some other dish; you might even offer your home and hospitality—and do the clean-up afterward—and not cook anything at all.
Solution # 2: Perhaps through your church or neighborhood association, perhaps on your own, invite others who have no holiday plans or area family—whether or not they’re solo parents—to join with you in a large co-op get-together. Invitees might include young singles, retirees, and even middle-aged folks whose kids are grown and gone. If there are more people than you can comfortably accommodate in your home, perhaps your church’s social hall, your condo’s clubhouse, your apartment building’s meeting room, or some other suitable large room can be either utilized at no cost or rented for a modest fee to be covered by equal donations from all attendees. If there are 20 attendees, and the rental is $100, that would be a contribution of $5 and a covered dish from each attendee—surely a modest requirement for a holiday dinner!
Solution # 3: Instead of hosting or attending a traditional holiday dinner, spend the holiday in service to your fellow humans and serve dinner at a local soup kitchen. (This presupposes that either your kids are old enough to help serve, or they’ll be with their dad for the holiday.)
Almost every problem has a solution. You just have to think creatively. The holidays are coming soon. Start thinking now.
