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“I’m not lonely. If I wanted to be with someone, I would be with someone. Besides, I have plenty of “friends with benefits”. Not to mention the number of folks trying to talk game to me on a day-to-day basis. I love my life. I do me and I don’t have to answer to nobody. I love being single.”
It’s hard for someone to admit to loneliness. It can make you feel weak, unwanted, out of the loop, undesired, embarrassed or even ashamed. Just putting that two word sentence together is heartbreaking and so hard to say. It makes you feel so bad, so low. “I’m lonely”. Those are some tough words.
Isn’t it just easier to say, “I’m too busy right now” or “I’m just focusing on me and mine and trying to make this paper.”
That all sounds good, but do you find yourself secretly rolling your eyes at the happy couple walking down the street kissing and giggling? Do you wish you had someone sending you sweet text messages and words of encouragement throughout the day? Are you envious of the people around you who have someone anticipating their arrival when they get home?
We don’t like to envy the lives of others around us. It can make us feel inferior. But there are times when we just can’t help it. We could be out to dinner with a group of friends having a wonderful time laughing and sharing stories, then out of the corner of our eye, we catch a glimpse of a couple sitting on the same side of the booth, so close that even the menu couldn’t slide between them. They’re doing the same thing we are – laughing and sharing stories, but it’s more intimate, more fulfilling. That image stays with us and in some way secretly changes our mood for the rest of the night. We hate to admit it, but we want that.
For some people, the loneliness becomes significant after a break-up. It can take a long time to move between lovers. You can love someone for months, even years, after the relationship has fizzled and you may not be able to move into the next affair until you’ve completely addressed and dealt with those emotions, but in that time, an overwhelming sense of loneliness tends to kick in. You can’t have the one that you want because that person won’t return the love. Their agenda was much different from yours. Perhaps you were just a physical attraction to them, a play thing, another notch on the belt, but to you, it was so much more. Trying to move past that love is almost a forced action. But the longer you dwell on it, the lonelier you’ll be and you’ll be lonelier, longer. Other people have just never opened themselves up to finding real love out of fear of being hurt. Or they have, but refuse to open themselves up AGAIN for the same reason.
Relationships always start off so positive with so much potential. People appear to be who you want them to be and they pull you in, sometimes very quickly. But how quickly things change. They almost become a stranger to you. You gradually begin to see not only who they are, but what you are to them. The sincerity, the romance, the laughter, even the intimacy, was all fake. It was their usual Oscar winning performance. You just didn’t know they were in the running. They speak to you in ways you never thought they would. They disrespect you. They break your heart. And because it’s so hard to find love, it’s such a heartbreaking disappointment when you find out that you still haven’t really found it. It can make you close your heart for a very long time.
Sexual confusion or the denial of one’s real sexual orientation is another common cause of loneliness. We still live in a world where people are sometimes forced to be ashamed of who they are. I wish I could snap my fingers and everyone could wake up tomorrow comfortable in the skin they’re in without judgment or fear. It’s hard enough for straight people to meet and mingle. Straight folks don’t have to worry about the kind of rejection and possible violence that comes along with making a pass at someone. After all, straight people are generally openly straight. If you’re gay and you attempt to come on to someone that you THOUGHT was gay, and they’re not, just think about the ramifications of that for a second……exactly!
Whatever our reasons for being lonely, we have to understand that it’s quite common. You’re not the only one. Now, I don’t expect everyone reading this to run out on the street and scream out, “I’m lonely and I’m proud!” Believe me, the last thing you want is your friends and family feeling sorry for you and trying to fix you up!! You don’t want their sympathy, but it is okay to feel lonely sometimes. It’s a natural human emotion. It happens to the best of us. There are people in marriages that are lonely. Imagine what that loneliness must feel like. To have found the love of your life, fall head over heels, marry them, and still feel the emptiness and void that so many of us single people feel. But it happens. It’s real. People get lonely. We have to address our emotions and find positive ways of dealing with them. We have to take a step forward in order to create new relationships. But if you are truly content with not having a significant other, but still feel very lonely, you’ll have to find other ways to fill the void. No one can make suggestions to you on how to do that. You’ll have to come upon it on your own and find what makes YOU happy. For me, it’s writing.
VL on the DL