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Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Loving Your Body

As a culture, we are encouraged to have only a distant relationship to our bodies, and sometimes to have an actively adversarial relationship with them. We are taught to relate to the world around us primarily through our rational brains, allowing them to dictate what our bodies should or shouldn’t do, and frequently denying, or at least controlling, the natural expression of our body’s responses and needs. This is a recipe for exactly what we see happening around us: an awful lot of people who are completely alienated from their bodies, failing to listen to them, and forcing them to do what the rational brain (fed by the culture) tells us they ought to be doing, which is frequently to our detriment.

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Since we’re all individuals with our own bodies and our own needs, blanket shoulds and should nots don’t work. We all need to learn to relate to our own bodies and listen to the specifics of what they are telling us. Most of us rarely listen unless the message comes in the form of extreme pain – and even then the first thing we usually do is dose ourselves with painkillers so we don’t have to listen.

How can we learn to listen to our bodies, and what does that really mean? The first step is understanding that your body is a sentient organism with its own intelligence: it knows what its purpose is—to make you happy—and it knows what it needs in order to do that. It’s always trying to please you and do what you ask of it. But it’s a finite physical form that needs regular care and feeding In fact different bodies need very specific kinds of care and feeding, and you can tell if you are giving it what it needs because it will feel good if you are, and it won’t feel good if you are not. Of course it’s not quite that simple, because sometimes there is just one thing missing, and your rational brain isn’t getting what that one thing is. That’s when you really do have to listen to your body. It can tell you in many different ways: maybe you feel drawn to a particular food, maybe you wake up one day thinking about it, maybe three different people tell you about it in one day although you’ve never even heard about it before, and so on. (I realize you may think that is not your body speaking—but consciousness works in strange and wonderful ways). The most important ingredient here is simply your intention. Set the intention to listen to your body, and then pay attention.

The bottom line is that you need to see your body as your friend. Many people see it more as their enemy: an unfortunately vulnerable machine on which they are dependent but determined to deny that dependence. It is not a machine. It is an incredible organism, a miracle of life, and it needs to be appreciated in the same way that all life needs to be appreciated. When it feels loved, it glows with delight. It will heal faster and last longer. Make friends with your body. Sit with it a little every day, simply feeling it. Stroke the back of your hand and be amazed at the tiny hairs. Feel your feet on the ground as you walk, lifting you up and setting you down in a constant rhythm. What parts of your body are involved in that movement? How wonderful that you can do this without ever having think about it.

Scratch your head. Think about all the cells that are stimulated when you do that, and all the nerve endings that are firing off. And your hair – how does it grow the way it grows? Why does it sometimes not grow? What makes that happen? It’s a natural physical change as we get older, you think. Hmmm. Something doesn’t quite gel about that. Why does it happen for some and not others? Perhaps our bodies have their own ideas about what should be what.

Feel that little niggling pain in your foot / arm / chest, wherever. You’ve been carefully ignoring that for a long time. Go right into it now. Go inside it. What is it saying to you?
The question behind all this contemplation of the body is this: who is in charge of this body? Is it in charge of itself? Are you in charge of it? What part of the you that you are is in charge? One might say that we each have several “bodies:”at least an emotional body and a mental body as well as the physical body. These days plenty of people would agree that what we are feeling (which is our emotional body) affects our physical body, and so does what we are thinking, which is our mental body. And I would argue that there is a certain self, which some might call the ego, or the character, which is yet another kind of body. It doesn’t really matter how many bodies one decides to define. What matters, since we are discussing the need to appreciate and love the physical body, is simply understanding that there are many aspects of self that can affect its well being or otherwise. If you want to be well, and are willing to be present in and for the physical body, then give it love. Allow yourself to feel love for it. Think loving thoughts towards it. Be grateful for what it does for you. Apologize to it if you push it to do something it finds hard. Set the intention of being gentle with it. Feed it what it needs and let it rest when it needs.

A body that has just had a delightful sexual experience is a happy body. If you really want to give it a loving gift, then allow it to respond to sexual touch and desire exactly as it wants, which may be not at all, or may be much faster or slower than your rational mind considers appropriate. Never force it to go anywhere or do anything when it is saying no. Let it be the one to make up its own mind. Yes – our bodies have minds of their own, and they are often much smarter, in an animal-like way, than the minds we use most of the time to make our way through our world.

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” Wild Geese, Mary Oliver.

Mikaya Heart (mikayaheart.org) is an award-winning author and a teacher, using shamanic methods to help people how to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. Her last book was The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women; her next book is Life, Lies, and Sex: A User’s Guide to Being in a Body.

A Guide to Improving the Smell and Taste of Your Vagina

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Odds are, every woman out there has at one time said to herself, “What’s going on with the smells down there?” When it come to the vagina, there are several things that can have an effect on the odor and taste.

First and foremost, it’s important to remember that it is normal for the vagina to have a smell and taste. It is a body part! And this particular one has nearby sweat glands, changes with hormonal differences, and – let’s be honest – there’s a lot going on down there!

Second, it’s good to keep a good relationship with your lady parts. Know the smells and even ask your partner about the taste. This is the only way you will understand what’s normal for you, and if anything you try brings improvement (or causes decline) to taste and smell. If you or your partner notice a particularly strong odor or taste, this could be a sign of a vaginal infection and you want to have this checked out.

But for now, here are some ideas and information on optimizing the fragrance and flavor of your flower:

Female Hygiene is First

Your vagina is most affected by how clean it is, and how it is cleaned.

Keep the area clean through your normal cleaning regimen, but you might also consider using a different soap on the vaginal exterior (washing inside the vagina can mess with your Ph balance and cause infection and irritation) than you use on the rest of the body. Use mild soaps with no perfumes or dyes.

Rinse, rinse, rinse! Rinsing with extra water helps clear the area of extra build-up and discharge, and can leave the vagina smelling fresh.

Consider shaving. Pubic hair is a trap for sweat and dirt, and can hold odors. You don’t have to completely shave the hair off to see improvement; just consider grooming.

Sex as Exercise

As far back as the 1950s, couples have been asked to strap on monitors, blood-pressure cuffs, oxygen masks and other paraphernalia and copulate, to scientifically quantify the impacts of sex. The focus is often on whether sex can kill you by precipitating a heart attack. Happily, these studies generally show that heart rates rise during intercourse, but tolerably. In a 2008 study, middle-aged subjects’ heart rates jumped at the point of orgasm by only 21 beats per minute in men and 19 in women, about the same response as if they’d just done a few jumping jacks. The risk for sex-related cardiac arrest is, in fact, vanishingly small, statistics show, though it may be greater when the act is extramarital.

The issue of sex as exercise, however, has remained largely unexplored. “There are these myths,” including that sex burns at least 100 calories per session, said Antony D. Karelis, a professor of exercise science at the University of Quebec at Montreal who undertook a study, published in PLOS One in October, to look at how much energy is actually exerted during sex. “But nobody had tested” those assumptions.

Read full article via Sex as Exercise – NYTimes.com.

What Men Really Think Of The Male Birth Control Pill

Birth control may be available for men sooner than anyone ever expected. Guys dish on the new pill.

male-birth-controlYou can thank modern marvels because birth control is about to get a whole new sexual makeover. According to a new study on mice, a pill may be in the works that would keep a man’s sperm from ever leaving his body — which means birth control may be available for women — and men — sooner than anyone ever expected.

So how do guys feel about their sperm being blocked during ejaculation — and about male birth control in general? Turns out they weren’t totally against the idea.

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Why tell the truth?

“It’s not worth it to tell the truth,” is something I hear people say quite often. Well, that depends whether you are really measuring what you’re losing by lying, and whether you really care about what you’re losing. You may not notice the gradual deterioration of your once-intimate relationship into a casual daily exchange of niceties – but that is what tends to happen when you are consistently, consciously, and carefully withholding information about your feelings and you activities from your partner over a period of time. The lie we’re usually talking about here is attraction to another person– although sometimes it’s simply a deep attraction to an activity or a way of life. Really, there isn’t necessarily a lot of difference. People can be just as jealous of an activity that their partner enjoys more than spending time with them, as they would be of a person whom their partner was seeing. Sometimes people just need to be more important than anything or anyone else. That in itself makes one wonder . . . but that’s material for another post. Right now I’m writing about why you would tell the truth to your partner when you know or you are afraid that s/he will be angry once the truth is in the open.

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Your partner being angry shouldn’t be the end of the world. If she is good at dealing with her feelings, s/he will soon get over the anger and start looking at a solution to the problem – if s/he considers there is a problem there, which she may not (always be careful of jumping to assumptions about what others will or even do think). If you are regularly withholding information and feelings from your partner because you are afraid of his/her anger, then something is wrong in the relationship and you probably should be seeing a therapist or a couples counselor. If it’s just one thing you are being secretive about, then how you deal with it is your call. Think about what you gain by holding that secret and what you would gain by being open about it. Think about the long term– if you keep on keeping it a secret, perhaps that will make it much worse when the time arrives when it is revealed, or you become so afraid that it will be revealed that you are in a constant state of stress. You need to ask yourself these questions before it gets to that point: Does it make you feel bad to be keeping this information from your partner? If so, then it is affecting your relationship negatively. Is that OK with you? And if so, why is it OK? How bad will it have to get to be not OK? And those questions may take you to this one: Is your relationship already on the rocks? Does it need some really radical re-organization?

Truthfully, when you really love someone, you want the best for that person and you support them in whatever brings them joy, even if it means they will spend less time with you. It requires having a life separate from your lover that you really enjoy, and it requires a deep sense of self-esteem to be able to operate from that self-less place. It doesn’t work to pretend that you are operating from that place if you really are not, so don’t even go there. Own up to your real feelings, and in doing that there is always the possibility they will change, especially if you have good friends who are willing not to take the normal path of trashing the person who is “betraying” you. I do know people who can deal well with multiple partners. Operating from a consistent place of jealous control, which means needing to stop your partner from doing things just because you don’t like them is pretty childish and immature, after all. I believe that we are evolving to a place where polyamorous relationships will be accepted and supported—not that everyone will be doing it, but there will not be an assumption that no one is doing it.

So I encourage people to be absolutely honest with each other. Standing in that place of integrity is a place of power, and that expectation can be set up from the beginning. Still, there are times when honesty needs to be tempered by kindness. There is no need to tell your partner that this new person you’re sleeping with is the best lover you have ever had, or that you think her tits are magnificent. Respect your partner’s feelings, just as you would wish her/him to respect yours. You don’t need to pass on every thought that goes through your head.

Mikaya Heart (mikayaheart.org) is an award-winning author and a life-coach, using shamanic methods to teach people how to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. Her last book was The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women; her next book is Life, Lies, and Sex: A User’s Guide to Being in a Body.

Why Drinking Kills Your Sex Life

A drink or two may lower your inhibitions enough to really get into the act, but too much can have a negative impact on your ability to have and enjoy sex. Indeed, it can cause numerous other problems as well. Here are some reasons why drinking alcohol can put a damper on your sex life.

Young couple kissing passionately in a nightclub

Not Rising to the Occasion

Studies have shown that drinking excessively turns off a man’s two most powerful erogenous zones; the penis and the brain. One study in particular found that men who drank no alcohol had an easier time becoming erect and getting to orgasm than those who did partake. Furthermore, some of the intoxicated men were incapable of becoming erect altogether. Alcohol, when used in excess, hinders blood circulation to the penis, reduces orgasmic intensity and makes it harder, or impossible, to feel excited about sex.

Lasting Erectile Problems

Research has shown that men who are chronic drinkers have a dramatically higher rate of long-term erectile problems. It was found that men who drank heavily were up to 70 percent more likely to experience some kind of sexual dysfunction. Among these problems are premature ejaculation, lack of interest and inability to become erect.

Relationship Problems

It’s no big secret that abusing alcohol can cause serious relationship issues. In fact, the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) has found that heavy drinking is a prime cause of cheating on one’s partner, financial problems and even divorce. Furthermore, it’s believed that nearly all cases of sexual assault can be linked to excess drinking.

Smoking and Drinking

Do you fancy a cigarette with your scotch? If so, you could be putting yourself at a greater risk for suffering erectile problems. Tobacco use is among the most common catalysts for ED in men who are younger than 40. Plus, research has found that men who smoke over ten cigarettes per day are much more likely to have erectile problems than men who don’t smoke.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Alcohol is famous for its inhibition-reducing properties, but while this can be helpful, it can also be detrimental. When you’re dis-inhibited, you’re far more likely to make poor judgements, such as having unprotected sex. It’s been estimated that nearly half of all spontaneous sex occurs under the influence of alcohol. In addition, a staggering 60 percent of of sexually transmitted diseases are obtained under the same circumstances. It’s also been said that young adults have seven times the chance of having unprotected intercourse when they’ve been drinking.

Unwanted Pregnancy

The risk of pregnancy follows in the same vein as STDs. Because you’re far more likely to engage in unprotected sex under the influence of alcohol, you’re also more likely to end up with an unwanted pregnancy. This is often because neither partner is thinking of preventative measure, or they lack the motivation to use any. Alcohol’s dis-inhibiting effects also mean that men are more likely to lose control in the heat of the moment and ejaculate inside the woman, either accidentally or on purpose. Nearly half of all pregnancies are unwanted, and it’s estimated that consuming alcohol in excess may be responsible for about one-third of them.

Memory Loss

What’s the point of having a night of raw passion if you can barely even remember it? Worse yet is waking up next to a partner you can’t even recall going to bed with. Drinking alcohol can cause people to suffer memory loss, or “black out”. The amount of alcohol that has to be consumed for this to happen varies by the individual. For some, it may be as little as a few drinks.

Derek is blogging for Erectile Doctor, a site that provides help for men with erectile dysfunction problems and health tips for men.

Study Says: An Active Sex Life Can Help You Make More Money

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The Institute for the Study of Labor in Germany has released a report according to which, people who indulge in sex at least four times in a week, make more money. It further adds that sexually active people out earn their colleagues and subordinates by about 5 percent.

What was the study all about?

7,500 Greek households were part of the study that was carried out for a year. Through a designed questionnaire, the participants were asked about how many times they indulge in lovemaking in a week, their employment status, the wages they earn, the number of hours they work in a week, their sexual orientation, religion they follow, and if they suffered from any health issues.

Findings of the study

Nick Drydakis, who is the author of the study, came up with the following findings:

  • People who have sex only once in a week earn 3.2 percent less than those who have sex with their partner four times a week.
  • There is a strong link between sexual activity and wages among employees in the age group of 25-50.
  • Higher wages can make people lead more sexually active lives. For e.g. people who earn more are able to present gifts to their partner, and this increases their value in the dating market.
  • Indulging in frequent sex does not mean that you will get a pay increase, but indirectly, it can help in earning large sums of money. How? Sexually active people seem to be happier, have better reasoning power, and thus excel in the workplace. This eventually helps them in getting a raise.
  • People, who indulge in sex only once a week, often suffer from the feelings of depression and loneliness. All this adversely hampers their work life and eventually the pay increase chances.
  • Personality traits also play a crucial role in pay increase. Extrovert people are likely to get higher wages.
  • Type of job, sexual orientation, or religion does not influence the link between wages and sex life.

What the previous studies say?

Previous studies have proven that there is a direct correlation between a person’s health and wages. People, who suffer from depression and other health issues, do not perform to their full ability and thus, tend to earn less.

Other benefits of an active sex life

The action between the sheets is more than just simple pleasure. As already discussed, an active sex life can increase your bank balance. However, there is more in store. Let us discuss the other benefits:

  • More Sex, less stress: Regular lovemaking sessions in bed help in releasing natural feel-good hormones, endorphins. Sex, therefore de-stresses you and keeps you fit.
  • Makes you desirable: The more active your sex life, the more attractive you become for the opposite sex.
  • Cuts down stroke risks: Sex improves the blood flow and increases the heart rate, thus reducing the risk for stroke.
  • You look younger: For women, indulging in regular sex will boost the estrogen levels, thus making their skin supple and soft.
  • Enjoy better sleep: Sleep after lovemaking, is more relaxed and sound. This is due to the release of cuddle hormone, oxytocin.

Although, there are many benefits of active sex life, but practice it safely.

Citations:

Jenifer Hull is a student of Journalism and Mass Communication at Arizona State University. She has written many articles on health, beauty and general well-being. Helly is currently associated with medexpressrx.com.

 

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Moving Beyond Fear And Anxiety

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Unless you are one of those lucky people who just happens to be with someone who wants to have sex exactly the way you do, the art of negotiation is an essential skill. By that I mean that you need to be able to listen to what your partner is saying without taking aboard any judgments, and you need to know what you want, and be able to express it clearly to your partner in a manner that s/he can hear. Then you need to take appropriate action so you both get what you need. Normally, what gets in the way of clear negotiation is fear of making ourselves vulnerable to negative judgments, or anger that arises (or usually, has already arisen) because we are not getting our needs met. In an ideal relationship, in an ideal world, you are not afraid of what anyone else thinks because you know it says more about him/her than it says about you; and you have not allowed anger (or resentment which is the same thing) to build up because you have addressed it as it arose. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and we generally have to learn these kinds of things through experience, because no one is teaching us.

Respect is integral to good communication and therefore to a healthy relationship. I don’t just mean respecting your partner, but also respecting yourself and your own needs. The one is just as important as the other, because if you don’t respect your own needs, you will be a needy person, and the manifestation of that isn’t usually attractive. You both have your own lives and yet you are able to demonstrate your love for each other, take risks, and consider new ideas. You honor whatever it is the other wants, even though it may not be what you want. That requires operating consistently on every level from a place of trust and love. This does not mean you are certain your partner will never leave you. On the contrary, you know that your partnership may not last a lifetime, just because we live in a world where change is the only constant. But you know that doesn’t mean your life will fall apart and it doesn’t mean your partner will stop loving you. Love has very little to do with whether a relationship lasts a long time; that has more to do with compatibility and the ability to communicate.

Good communication cannot occur in an atmosphere of fear, even if it’s only an undercurrent. Most of us have to deal with fear on some level, or with some of its close relatives such as anxiety. Some of my friends have described me as fearless because I am a keen kite surfer, which is a fairly extreme sport, but the fact is that I am very familiar with fear. I have learned how to step outside the feeling so that I can look at whether it’s valid or not, and whether I am willing to allow it to motivate me. That ability is an important one to cultivate.

Fear and self-esteem don’t go together. If you want to stop being afraid of other people’s judgments, you must develop self-esteem, which means you must know that, no matter what happens, you always deserve to be treated with respect (and so does everyone else). That can be a long slow path and often requires help. If you’re lucky, you find yourself in a healthy relationship with a partner who is respectful of you, and that teaches you what respect is. If you don’t have a partner or close friends who can do that, go to a group such as Alanon, or find a therapist.

Sometimes the fear that’s getting in the way is about being alone in the world: your motivation is not to have a healthy relationship but to prevent your partner from leaving you. You are willing to disrespect yourself and ignore your own needs in order to keep your partner. If you can honestly admit to yourself that that is true for you, and you don’t like it, then you are halfway to changing it. Again, the answer is often to get support from other quarters. Make a proactive choice to spend time alone on a regular basis, and do things you love; get a life that carries on without your partner. Involve yourself in charity work, take classes in creativity, work with animals—whatever turns you on. Many of us are afraid of growing old alone, but in this day and age you don’t need a partner or even a family in order to avoid that. There are many other options.

Most of us have inordinate fears around sex. Men and women are afraid they won’t be able to “perform” (a word that inspires anxiety and does not belong in the bedroom) . Our ideas of what a correct performance is and our attempts to conform to that prevent us from being spontaneous and truthful about what we really want. Many of us are at least a little afraid of being completely truthful and trying new things. You have to learn to acknowledge any fearful motivations and put them to one side, setting the intention of being present and real. This applies to communication on sexual matters as much as it applies to discussing what you are going to do today or for this lifetime. Sex is a metaphor for life, outlined in neon lights so that any false-ness has immediate consequences which will inevitably prevent any lasting satisfaction. What do you really want from a sexual exchange? If it is to get the most joy possible (for instance), your best approach is to relax and encourage your partner to relax, which allows both your bodies to express themselves freely. Both of you have much more chance of experiencing true, deep pleasure that way than by trying to do things “right” according to some rote method.

Now apply that to your daily life.

Mikaya Heart (mikayaheart.org) is an award-winning author and a life-coach, using shamanic methods to teach people how to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. Her last book was The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women; her next book is Life, Lies, and Sex: A User’s Guide to Being in a Body.

Natural Treatments For Erectile Dysfunction

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Natural ED remedies are something that many men are seeking these days. They want them to be more effective than the blue pills that are so famous. Having an erection forms a key part of the psychological health and identity of males, making it more than just something that is essential for sex. There is no reason to continue suffering in silence now that a number of natural remedies can aid in the overcoming of difficulties with erections.

There has been improvement seen in erectile function by nutritional supplements such as amino acid arginine, vitamin C, flaxseed meal, and bioflavonoids. After supplemental DHEA (hormone dehydroepiandrosterone) doses were received there was improvement in those with low levels of DHEA suffering from ED. Most experts do not recommend using DHEA because the safety of it over the long term is unknown.

Nitric oxide, a substance that signals the relaxation of smooth muscles around blood vessels, increasing blood flow through the dilation of blood vessels; it is made from the amino acid L-arginine. Blood flow is enhanced resulting in an erection when the smooth muscle in the penis relaxes.

The effectiveness of sildenafil was shown to be enhanced by acetyl-L-carnitine and propionyl-L-carnitine. Compared to Viagra alone this was shown to result in the improvement of sexual well-being, orgasm, erectile function and satisfaction from sexual intercourse.

Those with sexual dysfunction resulting from antidepressant drugs can find that the herb ginkgo is helpful when it comes to erectile dysfunction. It appears that the flow of blood to the penis is enhanced and the smooth muscle tissue is relaxed.

The effectiveness of sildenafil has been shown to be enhanced by acetyl-L-carnitine and propionyl-L-carnitine resulting in improved orgasm, satisfaction with sexual intercourse, erectile function and sexual well-being than with Viagra alone.

People that have sexual dysfunction as an antidepressant drug side effect use the ginkgo herb for erectile dysfunction. Blood flow is enhanced in the penis and the smooth muscle relaxed.

Erectile dysfunction has been shown to result from a significant depletion of the mineral zinc. It is associated with diabetes, certain diseases of the liver and kidneys, digestive disorders and the use of diuretics long term.

Withania somnifera (the herb ashwagandha) is often called Indian Ginseng. It is believed to have effects that are similar in the body. Energy, sexual function and stamina are thought to be increased. Drowsiness may be among ashwagandha’s side effects, and it should not be used with sedative drugs.

Diet

The diet should begin to include unrefined, unprocessed, whole and fresh foods. Support vascular integrity by eating a lot of fruit like berries, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, olive oil, beans, soy, seeds and cold-water fish such as tuna, mackerel, sardines and salmon.

Ease ED by avoiding dairy products and sugar. Refine foods, junk food, caffeine and fried foods should be limited. Water intake should be increased to half of your weight in ounces every day.

Acupuncture is another option. It is an ancient healing method of the Chinese. It involves sticking fine, solid needs into specific body points. It stimulates the body’s ability to overcome conditions and illness through the correction of imbalances. Some men with ED have been aided with acupuncture.

Men should not attempt to treat themselves for erectile dysfunction. Find assistance of a homeopathic practitioner that is knowledgeable and they will pick a remedy to suit the individual needs that you have.

How To Make Love To A Woman With 3 Sexual Mindsets

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Anybody who has sex knows that although it is important to connect on a physical level it is equally important to connect on an emotional level. Once you have become comfortable with the physical level of your lovemaking, such as different positions and possibly engaging in the realm of toys, there are three sexual mindsets you may also want to try in order to achieve  maximum pleasure in yours’ and your partner’s lovemaking. The three sexual mindsets are as follows: sexual trance, partner engagement, and lastly, role playing. Here we will briefly go over each mind set and include a few of the benefits of involving these mindsets in your love making sessions.

Sexual Trance

Sexual trance is to making love, as meditation is to life. The outside nuances and your day-to-day problems are wiped from your brain as you focus solely on what is going on in the now. You are relaxed and in the moment of your lovemaking. When attempting to get into the sexual trance zone, many find it essential to make love in a quiet dark place, as it eases the mind and allows for an easier transition to a sexual trance. When in the sexual trance, you may not enjoy kissing as it may be distracting, you really want to go inside yourself so you can focus on all the sensations that are occurring. Proceed with slow movements; keep every touch, kiss,  and brush, very sensual so as to fully engage your partner. Many like to feel as if they are one with their partner in this state, therefore do not forget to give as well as receive. The lovemaking and trance will certainly benefit from both the give and take of the sexual acts. When both partners are involved in the sexual trance, explosive orgasmic bliss may occur.

Partner Engagement

When partners engage in the partner engagement sexual mindset there is more of a  feeling of becoming one with your partner. There is a mutual give and take in this state; it helps to be more conversational and vocal in this mindset as you really want to communicate with your partner. You definitely want to look deep into your partner’s eyes in order to fully engage and read  not only what your partner may want from this sexual experience, but understand what your partner may be feeling with every kiss and touch. You should fully engage yourself by tasting, touching, and kissing during this state. The ultimate reward of partner engagement is simultaneous climax. Your spiritual sexuality may be evoked in this sexual mindset; connect with yourself, your partner, and the spirituality that brings us all together.

Role Play

Role play is a sexual mindset that most people have heard about. It may be the most popular mindset of all three and the one people may be most familiar with. Role play allows you and your partner to become different people, which may be very freeing and release all inhibitions you may have in the boudoir. You may choose to play the doctor and naughty nurse, pilot and flight attendants, even taking a page out of the popular show Mad Men and play a high ranking business man and secretary. All these roles can set your sexual inhibitions free and allow you to play out your most wild fantasies you may have only conjured up in your mind.

By letting your inhibitions down and learning to enjoy not only the physicality of making love to a woman, but the emotional psycho sexual mindsets of sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play, you will open up the emotional sexuality of the physical relationship. Your sexual encounters will largely benefit from the added dimensions of the sexual mindsets and grant you uninhibited love making that you and your partner are sure to enjoy.

Written by Susan Bratton. She is an advocate for all men who seek to be better lovers — to lead their woman to her sensual potential.

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Understanding Rape

rape-culture

In my last post, I wrote about abuse; before I move on to more pleasant subjects, I want to say something about rape. Citing my own experience may help people understand what motivates a person to rape another human being, and what our culture needs to do to prevent this happening.

At college in my early twenties, I moved in a circle where most of the women slept around. One of the men in that circle (let’s call him John) very much wanted to be having sex but none of the women wanted to sleep with him, which was at least partly to do with his lack of sensual awareness. He was uneasy with his own body, and that made people reluctant to share their bodies with him. He and I became good friends–he was an interesting, intelligent, generous man. I wasn’t aware that he was attracted to me until one evening when we were walking through campus together, and he suddenly turned and tried to kiss me, pinning me against the wall. I wriggled out from his grip and stormed off, swearing at him. In those days (the early seventies), that kind of thing really wasn’t considered serious, and I only mentioned it to a couple of my friends. When John and I next saw each other, we both pretended it had never happened, although it certainly limited our friendship from my end.

John’s intentions were not to harm me: he simply had no idea about the art of seduction, and he was driven by hormones that he didn’t know how to control. I wasn’t the only woman he treated that way. Although it should be made absolutely clear that such actions are not OK, what John needed was training in the arts of gentle touch and a loving approach. Ideally that would go along with learning how to be at ease within his own body, which would have made him more attractive to others. That wouldn’t be such a difficult thing to teach if it weren’t so utterly outside this society’s way of thinking. He was a product of a culture that promotes disrespectful behavior, and that is only just beginning to change.

A year later, I had a lover whom we will call John2, and we traveled together for several months. Our travels (hitch-hiking around Europe, Iran and India) were not easy, and John2 had what I now recognize as an emotional breakdown. He became weepy, mean, and consistently hateful towards me. I stayed with him partly because it would not have been safe for me to travel alone and partly because he was such a mess that I felt an obligation to take care of him. I even carried his backpack for him at times. When we returned to Europe (where we lived), we stayed with my sister in London that first night, and she put us in a double bed. We had not been intimate for months, so I was astonished when he got on top of me. I fought him off but he was filled with rage, and I soon realized that in order to keep him at bay, I would have to wake my sister. That would be too embarrassing. I left my body and let him have his way—not the first time I had done such a thing for a man, although I am very happy to say it was the last.

John2 was not motivated by sexual desire or hormones, but by the need to assert his superiority over me (his erstwhile caretaker) and re-assert his sense of manliness in the world, which his emotional breakdown had destroyed. Incidentally, it seemed to be effective; I was impressed at how he pulled himself together in the following days. It is relevant that John2 was seen as a very gentle person by everyone who knew him, and he was able to re-adopt that persona, at least on the surface. I’m quite sure he “carefully” forgot what he had done.

An abuser boosts his/her own sense of power by putting another person down. The act of rape takes this a step further–it is the most effective way of asserting one’s superiority psychologically as well as physically. In wartime situations, winners commonly rape the women whom they see as “belonging” to their opponents. The ultimate method of dis-empowerment, it is a sure way of making someone experience helplessness, which makes the perpetrator feel more powerful. Consequently, rape is a useful tool for people like John2, who are divorced from any ability to deal honestly with feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability. When strong emotions threaten to overwhelm them, they quickly get desperate and will resort to all kinds of actions that they might verbally condemn.

I could write pages about how to remedy this state of affairs, but really one sentence says it all: we must individually learn how to treat all other beings with respect, we must individually refuse to go to war in any sense of the word, or to use others in any way to make ourselves feel better. And in order to do that, we have to learn to be honest with ourselves, rather than allowing ourselves to lapse into that convenient state of forgetfulness employed by so many abusers.

Mikaya Heart (mikayaheart.org) is an award-winning author and a life-coach, using shamanic methods to teach people how to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. Her next book, due out in September, is Life, Lies, and Sex: A User’s Guide to Being in a Body.

Are You A Firestarter? Rekindle Your Relationship!

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Do you remember when you first met? His hands sputtering between nerves and the subconscious sign-language of infatuation, as your eyes search his for subtle signs of interest. You rolled the right words around in your mouth before asking him to dance, admiring his courage or latent skill as you moved around the floor, weaving between a blur of bodies. Fast forward and you can’t wait to get away from each other, connected only by history or a common name. Your body chemistry long ago shifted from a giddy endorphin rush to tired attachment, replacing passion with familiarity. You don’t want to leave, you’re in love. Right?

Between the Sheets: Get in Sync

Reconnect, skin to skin. If your mind wandered directly into the adult store, you’re disregarding an arguably more important component of a physical and emotional relationship. Cuddling, snuggling, hugging, holding each other without words or hesitation, call it what you will. Traditionally advertised as a feminine desire or trait, cuddling creates a conduit for an emotional and physical connection, transcending sexuality and creating an environment of affection and acceptance. Syncing sleeping patterns is ideal, fashioning an ideal setting for honest conversation and skin to skin contact, without the pressure of sexual activity. Take it one step further one night a week and treat your partner to a massage; spice it up using essential oils and body lubricants.

Out on the Town: Get Out. Get Lost. Find Each Other.

If your marriage or partnership has slammed into a wall of reality, take some time out together. Date Nights and weekend getaways are an opportunity to remove ourselves from responsibility, pressure and excuses, encouraging clear communication and exploration. Experiencing your partner in a new context allows you to see how they’ve changed, develops perspective and builds trust; you’re no longer a partner but an anchor, providing security, support and morale. This positive role development will encourage both partners to stop taking the other for granted, increase respect and saddle you with more stories never to tell your kids.

Give Permission: Dust Off Your Lingerie

Sex is often the last thing on our minds, as we wind our way home after the 9-6 grind. Between keeping the calories off and catching up on housework, paperwork or working out why your friends never call you anymore, you’ve lost your sexual self under the slush pile on your desk. Naughty but Nice offers a cheeky collection of costumes and accessories to inspire a hand sputtering, tongue-tied reaction; we often forget men and women have sexual urges, most are often easily fulfilled with a change of clothes, a dash of scenery and a drop of risqué adventure.

365 Days of Dangermas: Sex, Love & Laughter – I Shot The Pilot!

DANGERMASLOGOJune 1, 2013:

I filmed the pilot episode of Sex, Love & Laughter today and I am very glad it’s over! I am very critical of myself, so being on camera is a challenge. I also hate learning dialogue and the fact that I’ve been running sentences in my mind over and over and over all week in an attempt to memorize them and deliver them with my own spin took its toll on me. However, I rarely had to do more than three takes during filming and the entire crew, including those who I interviewed, were very sweet and accommodating.

I’ve faced another fear/challenge and I came out on the winning end. If the series gets picked up I will be hosting very often, so I guess I better keep on Keeping it Dangerous ;) Wish us luck!

sllstage

The Sex, Love & Laughter stage!

The 5 Benefits of Longer Lovemaking

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It’s very common for that special night you have planned with your partner to turn out very differently than you expected. Sometimes, one of you can’t get “in the mood,” or your timing is off; either climaxing too soon or having difficulty achieving release. Getting “in the flow” together with “expanded lovemaking” techniques can make any lovemaking date more satisfying. Fortunately, these skills can be learned by both men and women to make your lovemaking last longer and achieve that euphoria you have been craving. The first benefit of expanded lovemaking allows you to find and experience a pleasure deeper than any feeling you have had before when you develop a meaningful connection with your partner. Expanded lovemaking helps you train yourself in becoming more orgasmic, so you experience a pleasure that involves the whole of you. Lastly, experiencing expanded lovemaking opens you up to a pleasure-oriented and mindful world.

The second benefit involves living your life vulnerably and openly, through connection and love. In this way, you will find that you have increased feelings of love for yourself, your partner, and the world as a whole.

Thirdly, through expanded lovemaking with your partner, you will enjoy an intensely spiritual life, complemented by a heightened sense of consciousness and profound creativity. People that experience this report an increased sense of awareness, presence and overall greater understanding of life.

The fourth benefit is achieved when your sense of self and identity is included in your spiritual journey. By fully engaging your mind throughout expanded lovemaking, you are helping yourself as well as your partner become an expert in giving and receiving pleasure; connecting on every level possible.

Finally, the fifth and final benefit of expanded lovemaking allows you to live in a world where experiences and pleasures are shared with others, helping you learn as well as grow through these shared experiences. Oftentimes, it is best to achieve this last benefit by finding some classes to attend, or forums to sign up to and chat in. By putting yourself and your partner in these group settings, you give yourselves the ability to break away from the routines long-term partners so easily stick to. When you achieve a pleasure-oriented mindset, you then live in a world which is in turn, pleasure-oriented.

Fortunately, there are a variety of techniques that can be learned by both men and women looking to last longer in bed in order to achieve that special and intense euphoria they have been seeking.

Expanded lovemaking happens when you connect on a more intimate and spiritual level with your partner, allowing your souls to intertwine as you explore one another for hours on end. By taking the small steps described above, you will be able to devote and enjoy more time to sex, thus reaping the five benefits of expanded lovemaking.

With a few easy steps, you and your partner will learn how to connect with each other on a deeper and more primal level so that you both can benefit from a more fulfilled sex life where you experience the wonders of expanded lovemaking.

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