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DangerousLee.Biz Annual Report Reveals 3 Million Views in 2013!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 3,000,000 times in 2013. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 129 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Pharrell, And Why ‘Can’t’ Is Corney

It sounded like good suits and brown skin and red heels on New Year’s Eve in Harlem. It sounded like an afro-punk house party replete with aquamarine twist outs, magenta dreads and skin decorated with tattoos.

It sounded like champagne bottles and rich laughter celebrating the election of a Black president or the birth of a godchild or a new job or a book deal in a crowded brownstone in Paris. Or maybe Washington DC.

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But what it looked like was Pharrell Williams, Niles Rodgers and Daft Punk dressed in suits that glittered like diamonds as Rodgers’ translucent guitar emitted the most delicious string of notes you’d ever want to hear.

The first time I heard it, ‘Get Lucky’ sounded like the soundtrack to every good time or high point I could imagine having.

So when I stumbled upon an interview Pharrell had done about his experience collaborating with Daft Punk, I was beyond thrilled. Pharrell stan and aspiring artist that I am, the interview was, for me, an experience almost as moving as the song.

Pharrell describes hearing the finished version of ‘Get Lucky’ like this:

[Get Lucky] just felt like a place where it was forever four in the morning. The music was as alive as the air was, you know, so that the air was something you were gentle and kind and thankful to. It’s like the only thing that really matters is that you’ve met this girl at this party. Getting lucky is not just sleeping with her but meeting someone for the first time and it just clicking.

As a creative, this next part of the interview, captured my attention:

Somewhere outside of the ether that we exist in is a multitude of realms of possibility and alternate directions and I think they (Daft Punk) just went in those libraries and just dusted off those things…It couldn’t have come in a better year. It’s like 2013 where everything is completely different. Things are not in a box in the way that they used to be and if they are, it’s kinda like ‘that’s like the corniest thing ever, like, please don’t talk to me I don’t wanna catch your mentality.’

I couldn’t agree more.

This is an exciting time to be a young artist.

Through new media, I think creatives are more empowered than ever to bypass gatekeepersand create (economic) opportunities that enable them to lead the kind of lives they envision.

via Pharrell, And Why ‘Can’t’ Is Corney | Thought Catalog.

5 Fashion Shows To See Before You Die

Fall-–-Winter-2012-2013-Fashion-Trends

Fashion, despite its reputation, may not be as frivolous as you might think – but it’s certainly as fun. There’s nothing quite like a fashion show: the chance to marvel at the world’s leading designer’s latest creations showcased before your very eyes, all in a thrilling, exclusive atmosphere with your equally fashion-obsessed peers.

Better yet, experience the thrill of the runway at one of the leading fashion weeks around the world with our guide to 5 fashion shows that every self-respecting fashionista must see before they die.

New York Fashion Week

If you haven’t heard of this one, you’ve literally been living under a rock your entire life. In a fitting honor for the cosmopolitan capital of the world, New York leads the ‘Big Four’ fashion week schedules around the world with its cutting-edge semi-annual New York Fashion Week (or Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week as it is known in some years). With a long, illustrious history dating back to 1943, this fashion week remains a show-stopper with two events each year showcasing the best of designers’ upcoming seasons. Prepare to mingle with some of America’s fashionable elite, and make sure not to commit a fashion faux pas – this is the worst place to wear mismatching socks!

London Fashion Week

London is next in the Big 4 schedule, held in February and September each year. For the past few years it has been hosted in the grand Somerset House in central London, featuring an extensive exhibition of over 150 designers while, in the central courtyard, a large marquee plays backdrop to a series of catwalk shows. In other words, it’s a fashionista’s dream come true.

Milan Fashion Week

It only makes sense to savor what is arguably the world’s most stylish city with a visit to the effortlessly stylish Milan Fashion Week. Italians seem to have a knack for fashion, and this event is their playground – think Dolce & Gabbana, Roberto Cavalli and Gucci, as well as the up-and-coming designers. Its summer events dedicated to the sometimes neglected realm of menswear – Milano Moda Uomo – are another big drawcard.

Paris Fashion Week

To conclude our round-up of the crème of the crop in fashion, the City of Light hosts the prestigious Paris Fashion Week twice a year, a regular who’s who of fashion. As the home of so many of the premier fashion houses and designers, it’s hardly surprising that Paris – perhaps more than any other of the Big 4 – remains a who’s who of fashion every year. Rub shoulders with the likes of Lagerfeld, Wintour and Hollywood’s A List on a fashion pilgrimage to Paris Fashion Week.

Hong Kong Fashion Week

It’s time to move beyond the Big 4 now and turn our sights to an up-and-coming fashion event that is taking Asia by storm. Hong Kong Fashion Week is believed to be Asia’s biggest fashion festival and celebrates the increasingly diverse, creative and all-round glamorous work of thousands of Asian designers. Soak back and enjoy the stunning work of some little-known designers in one of the world’s biggest and most cosmopolitan cities. Bliss.

Maria Lucia is a fashionista and avid traveler from Melbourne, Australia, who is in the know on all the trends, from swimwear to menswear to the latest tops for women.

 

“Behind The Mask” – An Open Letter And Essay To Paris Jackson

paris-jackson
Dear Paris,

I have spent the last few days trying to numb myself to the sad news of your extreme distress and your attempt to leave us. See, for those of us who love you for the beautiful young lady you have become, in addition to the love we have for you vicariously through your father, the reality of that close call is nearly unbearable. We have suffered endlessly since 1993 with allegations of deplorable acts which, though never ever corroborated with a single piece of physical evidence, set our lives on a collision course that would, ultimately, take him from us and bring you to this point.

Read Full Letter -“Behind The Mask”-An Open Letter And Essay To Paris Jackson.

Top Story – Cash Money Records Ignorantly Signs Paris Hilton

pariswitha40

Paris drinking a 40….really!?

Apparently Little Wayne and the rest of the folks over at Cash Money Records didn’t know that Paris Hilton doesn’t like Black people because she just got signed to the hip hop label. I think it’s more like they don’t give a damn…which is even sadder. I swear the music industry ain’t shit!

I mean, look at her in the above photo mocking Black folks by drinking a 40 ounce. Now her rich, spoiled, bigoted ass is using Black folks to make new music and even more money. I just don’t get it! Hip hop is allowing itself to be played like a beat machine.

This won’t be the first album for Paris, she had a hit back in 2006 with “Stars Are Blind”. It had a reggae feel to it and despite myself I actually liked the groove of it. Her new music will have a House sound; I hate House music. You can watch the video below and listen to her mediocre vocals. I’m not sure, but I think the first 30 seconds features new music. *Rolls eyes, grimaces, shakes head, and sighs*

LAWD HELP US!!!

Get The Hell Outta America! 3 Places To Live In Europe

final paris tour l'eiffel

There are many beautiful cities throughout the whole of Europe and deciding which of those would be best in which to live and work is no easy task.

However, after careful consideration and research, it is no surprise to find that the usual suspects Germany, France and Holland have squeezed their way to the forefront. Of course, there are plenty of other options, and a lot of the decision comes down to personal taste.

If you are thinking about making a permanent move overseas, then taking the time to read and research your chosen destination can help you make an educated decision.

Berlin

One of the most popular European cities in which to live, work and play is Berlin. Berlin is one of the cheapest European cities in which to live and yet offers great return and facilities for your money. Excellent schools, hospitals and employment make it a top choice for many. This stylish German city boasts great transport links as well as important universities, museums, orchestras and a range of major sporting events and festivals. It’s exquisite architecture and rich artistic culture has attracted visitors and artists alike for years.

Amsterdam

Amsterdam is another favorite, and equally one of the best places to live in the whole of Europe. The capital of the Netherlands, this unique and fascinating city has something to suit everyone. Its many attractions draw as many as 4.5 million tourists each year, and has plenty to offer as well as its famous red light district and ‘coffee’ shops. Amsterdam offers a high quality of living and a unique opportunity to enjoy Dutch bicycle culture, the large network of canals, some beautiful parks and public spaces as well as great architecture, museums and festivals.

Paris

Paris needs little introduction, known the world over as the city of love, fashion and art – not to mention delicious cuisine and fine wine! The city is bursting at the seams with history and the many attractions such as the Notre Dame, the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre only add to its romantic appeal. Some of the largest and well known companies have their headquarters in Paris including L’Oreal, Christian Dior, Peugeot and Carrefour. Employment prospects are fantastic and tourism plays a large part in the city’s economy.

Of course when considering a permanent move overseas, whether it be to live, work or retire, it pays to set out a few ground rules to make sure you make the right choice for your personal needs. Budget is always going to be a big deciding factor in any property move as is the location for work, schools or retirement. Everyone’s needs are different and you need to identify your main goals, your reasoning for the move and how best to meet your needs.

By Helen Mitchell, dreaming of the continent and moving to Europe.

10 Things To Do Before You Die

before you die

People have said life isn’t a race, it’s not a competition, nor a game. Life has been defined by what it is and what it is not by so many great men and women over time entire books could be written using their quotes. However, one thing that is widely accepted is that life is an accumulation of experiences, and since each of us take value from different experiences, no two lives are the same.

So, with that said, anyone telling you what to do before you die is a fool to think that you will take from an experience the same thing that they did. But, it is also true, that there are some things that are just so profound, or fun, or outrageous, or beautiful that just experiencing them is worthwhile, even if to tell you: no, that isn’t something I would like to do again.

So, without further preamble, here are a list of 10 things you simply must do before you ‘Kick the Bucket':

1) Travel somewhere exotic

This means different things to different people. If you live in India, maybe Colorado seems exotic. The idea here is to go somewhere new, exciting, and completely unlike what you experience in every day life. To get one foot in front of the other, here are some ideas: Egypt, Sub-Saharan Africa, a rainforest, Antarctica, China, South America, Jamaica, Iceland, or Australia.

2) Write a book

Nobody else need even read it. Maybe it’s a children’s book, or autobiography, or romance or historical fiction. Find something you are passionate about and write about it.

3) Go skydiving

Everyone has dreams of flying, and skydiving is the closest most of us will get. The rush of the wind and adrenaline, the roar of the world hurtling closer. The anticipation and the bittersweet feeling of solid ground beneath your feet are unforgettable. If you’re looking for a unforgettable experience, give Southern Skydivers a go.

4) Swim in an ocean

Those of us that live near an ocean often take this experience for granted, but there are plenty that have never had the chance to take in the smell of the ocean breeze, nor the rolling of the waves.

5) Volunteer

Giving is its own reward and volunteering can be one of the most soul-fulfilling activities you can do. There are so many opportunities to volunteer and many ways to lend your strengths to those in need.

6) Visit the Louvre

Quiet possibly the most famous art museum in the world, the Louvre deserves the recognition. Home of some of the most appreciated pieces of art, and a beautiful building full of rich history as well, the Louvre is an experience not to be missed. Plus, it’s in Paris!

7) Fall in love

Enough said.

8) Plant a garden

There is something primal, calming, and universally rewarding about cultivating a garden. Growing fresh food that you can use to provide for yourself or your family makes the food prepared even better.

9) Watch a meteor shower

Part of the beauty of life is how significant we are to those around us. Another beautiful thing is how vast the heavens are and nothing demonstrates this so viscerally as watching a meteor shower.

10) Enjoy live music

Go to a symphony or rock show, an opera or open-mic night at a neighborhood coffee shop, a music festival or DJ. Music is a universal language and the live experience is unmatched.

Author Bio: Sarah Jones had a life-changing experience that has changed her perspective on life. She now travels the world blogging and living her dream.

Top 5 Five Romantic Gestures For Him and Her

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In a relationship? Every now and then, all you need are sweet romantic gestures to let your partner know there’s still a lot of love floating in the air. After all, a successful relationship doesn’t need expensive shows of affection all the time. In my opinion, all that matters are sweet romantic gestures that make your lover go “aaawwww”. Whether you’re the wife, hubby or even boyfriend or girlfriend, often a sweet gesture can make your lover’s day, even if it’s in the smallest way. What matters is that you care enough to remind your other half you’re still madly in love with them. So, without further ado, here are a few sweet romantic gestures to keep the flame burning every day – not just on February 14th:

Swanky Meal

For Her: Have the two of you been talking about going to that fancy restaurant for ages? Make that reservation and doll yourself up for dinner, linger over dessert and give each other sultry, seductive looks across the table.

For Him: Whip up a yummy, sophisticated breakfast complete with his favorite foods, like freshly squeezed orange juice, scrambled eggs, sausages, bacon, French toast and so on. Then, to make him feel like a king, serve them while he’s still in bed.

A Film Night

For Her: Women are quite partial to tear-jerking movies, so indulge her on Valentine’s night – turn down the lights, make some popcorn (don’t forget the extra butter!), and snuggle up with your lovely lady on the sofa. Pssst! You might not even have to watch the whole film. Grin.

For Him: Let’s be honest, guys enjoy a good old action movie, correct? Granted, it might not be your first choice, but chances are you’ll make him one very happy man, especially if you add a gigantic bag of crisps or humungous box of donuts into the mix.

A Mini Break

For Her: Woo your beloved lady with a surprise weekend away at a flash hotel or, if you’re really feelin’ the love, swan off on a short trip somewhere exotic.

For Him: Why should he and his guy mates have all the good weekends away together? Grab your guy and head somewhere fun. Or, how about Paris? Prague? Or Rome? Go on; you know you want to.

A Soppy Gift

For Her: Okay, guys. While flowers might be cliché, sending a bouquet to her work is a tried-and-tested favorite, and will make her one smitten kitten. She’ll think of you whenever she looks at them.

For Him: Why not bestow him with tickets to his favorite team’s next game? Or, opt for a soppy Valentine’s gifts for him.

A Massage

For Her: How about indulging her with a pamper day at a local spa? For good measure, throw in a manicure and pedicure. Better still, take the role of ‘masseur’ yourself. Light some candles, get out the oils… oh, and don’t forget a bottle of red wine! Do this, and you’ll make her swoon over your thoughtfulness.

For Him: What man worth his salt would readily pass the chance of a sensual, full-body massage from his significant other? Your props: candles, massage oil, sexy lingerie and a bottle of beer. Job done.

Seeking romantic gifts for your partner? Whether for Valentine’s Day or just because, leading personalized gifts company, GoneDigging, is your one-stop shop for loving, affectionate gifts of the personalized variety.

The World’s Best Cities For Art Lovers

For many people escaping to another city isn’t just about getting some much needed chill out time or indulging in a change of scenery, it can be an opportunity to immerse yourself in a whole new culture.  In particular, a great number of cities boast a thriving arty vibe that attracts thousands of visitors each year.  For the arts lovers amongst you, here are a few cities that can’t be beaten.

Florence

PalazzoPitti

Palazzo Pitti

Art abounds on every corner in this Italian city, the hometown of Michelangelo.  Whether you just wander the streets and savour the sights, from spectacular architectural buildings such as the Duomo, to sculptures, frescoes and statues, art lovers will be in heaven. Aside from all of the outdoor splendors, art buffs should head to the Uffizi gallery where fantastic paintings can be seen by renowned artists such as Rembrandt, Botticelli and, of course, Michelangelo.

Rome

Vatican

The Vatican

Rome is a magical city that’s abound with stunning architecture and works of art.  It’s hard to know where to start with this gem, as the city is awash with must-sees, many dating back thousands of years, from galleries, to museums, basilicas, villas, piazzas and gardens.

Unmissable highlights include the Vatican Museums, Borghese Gallery and the National Gallery of Modern Art.  But you don’t have to spend all your time inside; just wandering the streets of this enchanting city will enable you to soak up the art-drenched atmosphere.

Barcelona

 Barcelona, Joan Miro Fundacion

Joan Miro Fundacion

Spain’s cultural capital is a haven for art enthusiasts, but much of it is best seen just wandering the streets, soaking up the architecture, historical buildings and taking in the artists and street entertainers along La Rambla, a famous boulevard in the center of Barcelona.

The Parc Guell is a public area where you can capture the essence of artist Antoni Gaudi.  Must-visit attractions also include the Picasso Museum and the Contemporary Art Museum.

Paris

Paris

This city of romance is also a city of art, so anyone interested in art of any kind should make a visit to the French capital.  With so many top attractions, it could take a couple of weeks to make the most of this city, but art lovers should head for the famous Louvre and the Musee d’Orsay.

Many museums exhibit the works of the great artists such as Monet, Picasso and Rodin, so shouldn’t be missed.  But aside from galleries and museums, Paris is an outdoor arts fest, so take in the delights of wonderful architecture and parks, such as the Jardin de Luxembourg.

London

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Street Art in London

London boasts some of the top museums in the world for art, whether you find yourself in the Tate, British Museum, or the National Gallery, you won’t be disappointed in the collections on offer.  Aside from London’s indoor treasures, you can find an interesting and eclectic mix of art in various parts of the capital, so do a little wandering or tube-hopping and you’ll be surprised at the gems that London has to offer.

Chicago

Chicago

Millennium Park

It might not rank up high with the top art capitals in the world, but surprisingly, Chicago has a lot to offer the art enthusiast.  The fantastic Art Institute of Chicago is not only the second largest museum in the USA, but it also boasts some enviable collections of art from lesser known artists to the elite such as Picasso, Pollock and Warhol.

If this museum leaves you aching for more, then head over to the Museum of Contemporary Art, where you can soak up a wide range of artistic masterpieces.

 

Guest piece by Amy Fowler for Ironbridge Fine Arts and Framing; specialists in etching presses for sale.

Fame: The First Black Perfume

ladygaga fame

Author: Myeliza Citra

 

Lady Gaga’s first perfume ‘Fame’ is perfect for the fall and winter season. This is first ever black perfume, which sprays clear and immediately becomes invisible once airborne. It involves a unique push-pull technology structure that includes three main accords: dark, sensual and light.

Every day, we got to see numerous celebrities launching different perfumes. The booming celebrity fragrance industry is growing with every passing day. There are some celebrities, who are extremely successful with their fragrant ventures and this success prompted them to launch multiple perfumes along the way. The latest entry in the field is Lady Gaga. She recently launched her debut perfume ‘Fame’. She presented her first scent in collaboration with The Haus Laboratories Paris and perfume company Coty. Fame relates to Lady Gaga very closely and contains underlying occult elements, which can be recognized by people who have some knowledge of it.

The advertisement campaign of the fragrance is also interesting and it appears as if it acknowledges the celebrates the dark and evil side of ‘Fame’. Moreover, the composition of the scent contains such ingredients that were used in ancient witchcraft and sex magic rituals. The campaign is directed by Steven Klein, who is known for his provocative, and dark fashion editorials, which usually involves mind control and occult symbolism. The advertisement shows Lady Gaga in different scenes like writhing around in black goop, scantily clad men crawling all over her, underwater, crab-walking, wearing black latex, lying on her side, naked and lots of lots of black ooze. It is a fast paced and high fashion commercial campaign.

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The uniqueness of the fragrance is that it uses the so-called ‘push-pull technology’ that allows the ingredients to be mixed for highlighting different aspects of every fragrant note, at the same time and without any hierarchy. The three main accords of the perfume are dark accord, light accord and sensual accord. The dark accord contains poisonous flower Belladonna and incense that evolve into the sensual and opulent wave of honey drops, apricot and saffron. The floral note of tiger orchid and Sambac jasmine embody beauty and light. It is the only perfume that comes in black liquid that immediately becomes invisible when it touches the skin.

The design of the perfume bottle is also interesting and designed in collaboration with Nick Knight. The bottle visually looks like a black egg-shaped vessel featuring a gold lid from which elegant and long gold claws reach to clasp the bottle. This is one such perfume that everyone will sure to get their hands on. This is just the perfect fragrance for the fall, as well as, winter season.

This perfume is unique whether one talks about its black-to-clear fluid or the structure itself. So, just check out this perfume today.

6 of The Best Urban Films

If you enjoy a good, gritty and powerful urban film then these 6 movies are bound to both entertain and stay with you long after the closing credits.

Urban films are rich in the culture of inner-city life and bring this kicking and screaming to our screens. Life in urban societies is portrayed in all its dark, bleak and violent reality with many of the settings, dialogue, characters and storylines recognizable to young city dwellers of today.

American History X

Ed Norton stars in this urban film about racism on the streets. Based around the lives of two brothers, Derek (Ed Norton) and Daniel (Edward Furlong), the film follows Derek’s descent into the neo-Nazi movement after their father is killed by a black drug dealer. Before long, Derek is sent to prison for killing two black gang members who were trying to break into his truck. He undergoes a change of outlook because of his experience in prison and when he is released he tries to save his younger brother from following in his destructive footsteps.

Scum

Violent and gripping, Ray Winstone plays Carlin, a young offender who’s moved to a new borstal where he’s bullied by the guards and inmates. So he decides to carry out random acts of violence to boost his standing and soon becomes the “daddy”, the boss of the trade in money and cigarettes. The extent of the violent content caused the BBC to have worries and led to the director Alan Clarke cutting the original film for cinema release. Portraying the brutality of life inside a British prison, Scum was one of the most controversial films of the early 1980s but has since become a classic urban movie.

District 13

This popular French film is set in one of the districts of Paris that has been separated from the main center due to the levels of violence – these districts are now in the hands of gangs. When District 13 takes a truck with a nuclear weapon on board, the intention is to sell it to the highest bidder but the trouble is the clock is ticking and in 24-hours the weapon will detonate, so the gang points it at the heart of Paris and demands big bucks. A lone cop is sent in who teams up with a gang member to track down the weapon and disarm it before it explodes.

Boyz N The Hood

About life in urban America, this film tells the story of childhood friends growing up on the mean streets of East Birmingham in Los Angeles, and reveals that not everyone is able to escape the hood alive.

This Is England

Stark and disturbing, this tale of England by director Shane Meadows centers on a 12-year-old boy Shaun who is growing up in poverty in the 1980s. Taken under the wing of a group of skinheads, relations are soon strained when a racist gang member Combo is released from jail. The gang splits in two as Combo fights to be leader, and Shaun chooses to go with him rather than the other gang leader Woody and events turn dark and brutal with shocking consequences.

Kidulthood

Set in north London, this bleak portrayal of urban life sees the day-to-day struggles of 15-year-old Londoner Trife as he struggles to choose between the path he knows he should take and a life of guns and violence.

Article Provided By: The Alternative Store sell urban clothing from brands such as Crooks & Castles.

Happy 54th Birthday Michael Jackson!

I Love and Miss You!

This Week In Art History

Greetings,

A little art history glimpse, this week…

Thanks to an article @ Park West Gallery, I have discovered that this week (August 10), is the anniversary of two significant historical events.

This Week In History

The Louvre (pronounced “luvʁ” according to Wikipedia), and located in Paris, France, opened August 10, 1793. The Louvre is a beautiful complex dating back to the 12th century, used as a palace, and growing in grandeur over time. It had different “owners” in the royal family, who commissioned improvements, creating the palatial beauty that we experience today.

This Week In History

The Smithsonian opened this week, in 1846, after President Polk signed the Act of Congress. According to their web site, The Smithsonian is the “largest museum and research complex” in the world. It is named after its benefactor, James Smithson.

There is so much more to both of these establishments, then these brief descriptions. You can find out more by following the links, above. Of course, the aid of Google can also assist you history buffs in quenching the art history thirst.

Hugs,
Deborah E
ScatnStyle.com

Vacation Trips? Good. Guilt Trips? Not So!

SOLO PARENTING


You may not yet have taken that long-desired trip to Paris or Rome, Hawaii or New York…but if you’re a divorced mom, we bet you’ve taken a few guilt trips.

It’s only natural, but it’s wrong.

Here’s what happens: You and your husband separate and begin divorce proceedings. The kids are upset. They may become sullen, or obstinate, or ill-behaved, or they may cry and beg Daddy to come home or beg you to let him. They may do all of these things—or others—by turns.

And you? You feel terrible that this is happening to them. Not just sympathetic, either…you may well take blame unto yourself and feel guilty. Guilty that you initiated the divorce. Or guilty that your ex (or ex-to-be) initiated the divorce because of you…or at least allegedly because of you. (We’ve all heard of spouses who claim they’re leaving because conditions at home are insufferable but who really are leaving because they’ve met someone else.)

In fact, there are plenty of cases where the husband leaves through no fault of the wife at all—she didn’t initiate the break-up, nor did anything she did cause it—yet the wife still feels guilty when she sees how it’s impacting her kids. Not just unhappy or upset but guilty.

Whether or not the mom of the family initiated or in any way caused the divorce, in most cases the divorce was necessary and should not be the impetus for a guilt trip. Divorce is surely an unhappy situation for all concerned, especially the kids, but if you’re in this position—whether your divorce is currently in process or is old news—please stop beating yourself up over “what you’re doing to the kids.”

The trouble—apart from the problems you cause yourself by laying a case of the guilties on your head unnecessarily and undeservedly—comes when you start trying to “make it up to the kids.” Altogether too many moms, feeling bad over the unhappiness that has been brought down on the kids, and for which these moms blame themselves, bend over backward to try to make the kids feel good by some other means.

They knock themselves out to make the kids’ favorite meals, buy the kids anything they ask for, whether the request is reasonable and affordable or not, stay home every night because the kids don’t like staying with a sitter and the moms don’t want the kids feeling abandoned all over again, take the kids on expensive excursions, and let the kids get away with egregiously bad behavior rather than discipline them because “the poor things are suffering with their daddy gone.”

Wrong!

They may need more of your time. They may need more understanding, sympathy, and consolation. They may even need a little leeway—a little!—when they act out. But they do not need triple-scoop sundaes, expensive toys, 24/7 smothering, or catering to their every whim.

They will only derive, from that, a series of very wrong lessons:

• That it’s not only soothing but acceptable and appropriate to stuff yourself with junk food when you’re upset or sad.

• That people—starting with Daddy—can be replaced with toys and other material things.

• That sadness or great upset is a valid excuse for bad behavior.

• That Mommy can be manipulated…and it will probably work on other people too.

Am I saying, then, that you should be heartless and turn a cold shoulder to their state of mind? Absolutely not!

What I am saying is two things:

1 – Don’t go on a guilt trip. Don’t blame yourself for the kids’ unhappiness…even if you were, in one way or another, the direct cause of the divorce.

2 – Don’t spoil the kids in an attempt to make it up to them for what “you did to them” (or even if you recognize that it’s not your fault, but you still feel bad, even if you don’t feel guilty). You’re doing them no favors!

Be sympathetic. Be understanding. If the kids say, “I hate you for making Daddy leave,” consider the circumstances and don’t overreact.

But don’t go on a guilt trip, and don’t spoil the kids if you do, in spite of what I’m telling you, start feeling twinges of guilt

Guilt is never a good place to visit. Not for you and, ultimately, not for the kids either.

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