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A Guide to Improving the Smell and Taste of Your Vagina

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Odds are, every woman out there has at one time said to herself, “What’s going on with the smells down there?” When it come to the vagina, there are several things that can have an effect on the odor and taste.

First and foremost, it’s important to remember that it is normal for the vagina to have a smell and taste. It is a body part! And this particular one has nearby sweat glands, changes with hormonal differences, and – let’s be honest – there’s a lot going on down there!

Second, it’s good to keep a good relationship with your lady parts. Know the smells and even ask your partner about the taste. This is the only way you will understand what’s normal for you, and if anything you try brings improvement (or causes decline) to taste and smell. If you or your partner notice a particularly strong odor or taste, this could be a sign of a vaginal infection and you want to have this checked out.

But for now, here are some ideas and information on optimizing the fragrance and flavor of your flower:

Female Hygiene is First

Your vagina is most affected by how clean it is, and how it is cleaned.

Keep the area clean through your normal cleaning regimen, but you might also consider using a different soap on the vaginal exterior (washing inside the vagina can mess with your Ph balance and cause infection and irritation) than you use on the rest of the body. Use mild soaps with no perfumes or dyes.

Rinse, rinse, rinse! Rinsing with extra water helps clear the area of extra build-up and discharge, and can leave the vagina smelling fresh.

Consider shaving. Pubic hair is a trap for sweat and dirt, and can hold odors. You don’t have to completely shave the hair off to see improvement; just consider grooming.

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Dealing with Anger

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I apologize for the long delay in posting – life has just been incredibly full and busy!

OK, following on from my last post, I’m still on the subject of communication and anger. Although it’s true that someone who is very afraid will never be able to communicate clearly, and that some people have no desire to communicate clearly, I’ve seen more mis-communication occur because of anger than for any other reason. Sometimes it’s just about different styles: person A stating something categorically may be read by person B as angry, when in fact A is just being emphatic. But it’s also true that some people walk around all the time with a very consistent level of anger. Once either partner is reacting to what s/he thinks is going on, rather than speaking from his/her center and listening to the other person without assumptions and judgments, then real communication can’t happen. (And anger is a powerful emotion which can quickly overwhelm the person who feels it being aimed their way, even if they are only imagining it!) So the first thing is to work out whether A really is angry or whether B is assuming s/he is angry and reacting to that. If it’s the latter, then B needs some reassurance to make her/him see differently. If A really is angry, then s/he needs to acknowledge that and get to the root of what’s causing it. That can be a huge and life-changing journey, because the anger is often about past experiences, and it requires the willingness to let go of those, forgiving one-self and others. In the end a person who wants to get over being chronically angry has to make a very serious commitment to addressing it; and his/her partner may not be able to help very much. It can be a lonely journey—but as someone who has done it, I can assure you that it’s well worth it.

Here is an extract from an article I wrote about anger:

“The art in dealing with feelings of anger is go to fully into them, to make friends with them, to go to the very roots of them, and hear what they are telling us. Those feelings are always truthful and it is never useful to ignore them for long (we may have to ignore them for short periods in order to behave in a socially acceptable manner). They usually only turn into roaring fury because we have been trying to ignore them. Once we really learn to honor our feelings, and pay attention to them, we become very familiar with them and we can act on their messages before they become roaring fury.

“Some people are stuck in situations which make them feel angry, and they need the anger to motivate them to change. Once you have escaped the initial situation that was making you angry, it’s sometimes just a matter of updating your reality. In other words, you may find that the anger is no longer relevant, and the sensation of anger is just an old habit. How do you go about updating your reality so that the chronic anger is released? Setting intention is always the most powerful tool of change, and then it is necessary to be brave enough to be truthful. A lot of people are in denial about their anger. Acknowledge the truth of what you are feeling, allow yourself to weep with the desperate frustration of not having what you need, allow your body to feel the fullness of it, to be filled up with it; and then let it go. If it doesn’t pass, look deeper. What aspects of your life do you need to change in order to stop feeling angry?

“Because it is life-force energy, trying to control anger will depress your life force, so in the long term, it cannot be controlled without some negative effects. When anger has been buried, it leaks out as irritation, bitchiness, a disapproving attitude, a constant need to belittle others (for instance). As a result of growing up in cultures that insisted on denial of anger, most of us have years of repressed anger to deal with, so we have first to deal with those old layers before we can get to the root of what anger is telling us about the here and now. Peeling away those old layers often involves expressing the outdated repressed feelings. That can happen very quickly and easily once you decide that you are willing to do it. It’s necessary to do it without blame or judgment, and without dumping on others. Be sure that when you find yourself justifying your anger at someone else’s expense, then you are on the wrong track. So just stop right there, and allow the feelings to come up; dive into them instead of trying to avoid them. There is never any need to blame others, even when it is someone else’s actions that appear to initiate the anger that we feel. We all have to do whatever we have to do, and everyone is doing their best, even when it seems extraordinary or unpleasant. You may express anger towards someone because you perceive them as being abusive and you want to stop them, and you may see that expression of anger as entirely appropriate. Others might agree or might not, but if you are being completely honest with yourself, you will know whether you are looking for a convenient outlet for your anger rather than going deeply into the truth, or whether you are simply stopping someone from treating you in a way you find disrespectful, which I would normally consider ethical behavior. We must learn to take responsibility for ourselves, which requires being honest and clear with ourselves. Never waste time justifying what you feel. What you feel is what you feel. If you deliberately hurt someone because you are angry, it may certainly be appropriate to apologize; but if you are acting upon the information the anger is offering you and taking care of yourself with due consideration for others, then there is no need to apologize.”

Mikaya Heart (mikayaheart.org) is an award-winning author and a life-coach, using shamanic methods to teach people how to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. Her last book was The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women; her next book is Life, Lies, and Sex: A User’s Guide to Being in a Body.

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Moving Beyond Fear And Anxiety

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Unless you are one of those lucky people who just happens to be with someone who wants to have sex exactly the way you do, the art of negotiation is an essential skill. By that I mean that you need to be able to listen to what your partner is saying without taking aboard any judgments, and you need to know what you want, and be able to express it clearly to your partner in a manner that s/he can hear. Then you need to take appropriate action so you both get what you need. Normally, what gets in the way of clear negotiation is fear of making ourselves vulnerable to negative judgments, or anger that arises (or usually, has already arisen) because we are not getting our needs met. In an ideal relationship, in an ideal world, you are not afraid of what anyone else thinks because you know it says more about him/her than it says about you; and you have not allowed anger (or resentment which is the same thing) to build up because you have addressed it as it arose. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and we generally have to learn these kinds of things through experience, because no one is teaching us.

Respect is integral to good communication and therefore to a healthy relationship. I don’t just mean respecting your partner, but also respecting yourself and your own needs. The one is just as important as the other, because if you don’t respect your own needs, you will be a needy person, and the manifestation of that isn’t usually attractive. You both have your own lives and yet you are able to demonstrate your love for each other, take risks, and consider new ideas. You honor whatever it is the other wants, even though it may not be what you want. That requires operating consistently on every level from a place of trust and love. This does not mean you are certain your partner will never leave you. On the contrary, you know that your partnership may not last a lifetime, just because we live in a world where change is the only constant. But you know that doesn’t mean your life will fall apart and it doesn’t mean your partner will stop loving you. Love has very little to do with whether a relationship lasts a long time; that has more to do with compatibility and the ability to communicate.

Good communication cannot occur in an atmosphere of fear, even if it’s only an undercurrent. Most of us have to deal with fear on some level, or with some of its close relatives such as anxiety. Some of my friends have described me as fearless because I am a keen kite surfer, which is a fairly extreme sport, but the fact is that I am very familiar with fear. I have learned how to step outside the feeling so that I can look at whether it’s valid or not, and whether I am willing to allow it to motivate me. That ability is an important one to cultivate.

Fear and self-esteem don’t go together. If you want to stop being afraid of other people’s judgments, you must develop self-esteem, which means you must know that, no matter what happens, you always deserve to be treated with respect (and so does everyone else). That can be a long slow path and often requires help. If you’re lucky, you find yourself in a healthy relationship with a partner who is respectful of you, and that teaches you what respect is. If you don’t have a partner or close friends who can do that, go to a group such as Alanon, or find a therapist.

Sometimes the fear that’s getting in the way is about being alone in the world: your motivation is not to have a healthy relationship but to prevent your partner from leaving you. You are willing to disrespect yourself and ignore your own needs in order to keep your partner. If you can honestly admit to yourself that that is true for you, and you don’t like it, then you are halfway to changing it. Again, the answer is often to get support from other quarters. Make a proactive choice to spend time alone on a regular basis, and do things you love; get a life that carries on without your partner. Involve yourself in charity work, take classes in creativity, work with animals—whatever turns you on. Many of us are afraid of growing old alone, but in this day and age you don’t need a partner or even a family in order to avoid that. There are many other options.

Most of us have inordinate fears around sex. Men and women are afraid they won’t be able to “perform” (a word that inspires anxiety and does not belong in the bedroom) . Our ideas of what a correct performance is and our attempts to conform to that prevent us from being spontaneous and truthful about what we really want. Many of us are at least a little afraid of being completely truthful and trying new things. You have to learn to acknowledge any fearful motivations and put them to one side, setting the intention of being present and real. This applies to communication on sexual matters as much as it applies to discussing what you are going to do today or for this lifetime. Sex is a metaphor for life, outlined in neon lights so that any false-ness has immediate consequences which will inevitably prevent any lasting satisfaction. What do you really want from a sexual exchange? If it is to get the most joy possible (for instance), your best approach is to relax and encourage your partner to relax, which allows both your bodies to express themselves freely. Both of you have much more chance of experiencing true, deep pleasure that way than by trying to do things “right” according to some rote method.

Now apply that to your daily life.

Mikaya Heart (mikayaheart.org) is an award-winning author and a life-coach, using shamanic methods to teach people how to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. Her last book was The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women; her next book is Life, Lies, and Sex: A User’s Guide to Being in a Body.

6 Surprising Libido Boosters For Women

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A plate of oysters, strawberries dipped in chocolate, a steamy movie or a couple’s massage can set the mood for great sex. Sooner or later, however, these tried-and-true aphrodisiacs may start to feel tired. Fortunately, science has discovered some innovative ways to rev up the female sex drive. Here are six surprising libido boosters for women.

Adrenaline-Pumping Activities
Forget the sappy chick flick or romantic stroll on the beach. Studies show that a suspenseful movie or high-energy sport can be the most amazing aphrodisiac. When women and their partners do exciting things together, their bodies respond in ways that are similar to sexual arousal. Excitement activates the nervous system and gets the heart racing.

A Glass of Red Wine
According to a study published in a sexual medicine journal, red wine is a natural aphrodisiac. Women who drank a daily glass of red wine reported greater sexual desire and more vaginal lubrication. This is probably due to the polyphenols in wine. These healthy antioxidants open the blood vessels and increase blood flow to the genital region.

Red Clothes (On Him)
Everyone knows that a woman in red can drive a man crazy. As it turns out, seeing this color on their men can put women in the mood for sex. According to one psychologist, the color red signifies status and power. Many women find these traits to be sexually stimulating.

Romantic Finger Locks
Holding hands is a sweet and sexy gesture. When romantic partners touch each other, even with small finger locks, their bodies release a hormone called oxytocin. According to researchers, this hormone draws people closer and increases sexual arousal. Spontaneity is key, however, since unexpected excitement prompts the release of oxytocin.

The Scent of His Sweat
While smelly gyms rarely gets women worked up sexually, the smell of their men can actually accomplish that. According to a popular journal of neuroscience, the scent of male sweat can increase a woman’s level of a stress hormone called cortisol. Elevated levels or this hormone can boost female sexual arousal.

Yoga Exercise Poses
According to a journal on sex and marital therapy, yoga is an awesome practice. It offers physical, mental, emotional and spiritual benefits. It is also an excellent aphrodisiac.

Not only do yoga poses get the body limber, but they also throw the sex drive into high gear. Yoga enables women to become familiar with their bodies. This can help them get in touch with their sexuality. Yoga may also improve female orgasms by increasing blood flow to the genitals.

More Women Want It
A recent report on sexual health noted the percentage of women who wanted a better sex life: 47 percent. What they desire and what happens behind closed doors are usually very different. A low sex drive is a problem for a lot of women.

When familiar libido boosters no longer work as they did in the past, it is time to try something new. These six surprising libido boosters can spark sexual interest for women and their partners and spice up their sex lives.

Allison Hammond is a dedicated researcher and author. She has been researching the complex female libido for more than 13 years.  Allison has made it her objective in life to discover solutions that can improve the lives of other people. Her research revolves around a holistic approach incorporating nutrition and exercise.  When Allison is not researching a topic such as female sexual dysfunction, she loves discovering new hiking trails with her husband.

Sex Tips For Men

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Just in time for that hot night of loving you have planned, we’ve put together the top ten must-know secrets for guys to keep their gals satisfied.

Deep or Not?

Don’t go too deep, at least not all of the time. It is a fact that majority of women are most sensitive on the outer part of their vagina. So my advice you would be to try ‘dip’ the tip of your penis in and out and just see what response you get! Try for a few minutes then eventually go deeper.

Forgotten Stimulation

When playing with a woman’s breast or vagina, stimulate other areas such as kissing her neck at the same time; this will give her a lot of pleasure and is perfect foreplay. You can also try kissing her inner thighs.

Take More Time With Your Woman

I don’t just mean in terms of lasting longer when having sex, yes this is good but try spend a little time getting her aroused before having sex. This really will give you the biggest brownie points you can wish for. Women also like to have a little care and attention after sex so if your tired, at least give her a kiss and cuddle to show her she is appreciated and not just when having intercourse.

Tell Her How Stunning She Looks!

Guy’s, don’t say this just for the sake of it, but mean it! Many women do not like being naked as they tend to have issues with confidence about their body or they feel sensitive and don’t feel very comfortable, even if she has been dating you for a while or even married to you, so let her know just how good she looks naked.

The second her clothes come off she feels vulnerable and sensitive. When she undresses, tell her what you love about her body.  And if she tries to turn the lights off, turn them back on to show her she has nothing to be embarrassed about.

Try A New Position With Your Woman

Not only can you have loads of fun trying out new positions, but also you may just find a position that she can’t get enough of. One position I would recommend is the missionary position but with a pillow slid underneath her lower back; she will love the intimacy and also the great feeling that this position can give her and it will not scare her in trying it, after all it’s just a pillow… so give it ago!

Talk To Her

Talk to her whilst making love, even if it’s just intermittently. If you are shy then don’t worry, just let her know why you love making love to her and that you can’t get enough of her. Any woman should really appreciate that you are being caring whilst in the bedroom. Yes sometimes it’s great to be like an animal in bed, but not all of the time, so you should try showing her a caring side.

Cleanliness is Godliness

Guys, make sure you’re clean before you make a move on her or ask her for oral sex.  Women love it when a guy is clean and tidy; it can even be a real turn on, so make sure your clean! Shower, shave, clean teeth and smell good for your woman as she does for you, if she does, that is.

Aim For G-Spot Orgasm

Figures suggest that there are only 30% of women who have ever experienced a g-spot climax, and the rest, well they’re defiantly missing out! Every woman that has experienced this wants to experience it again, as it is pure ecstasy.  So make sure you’re the guy to give her what she desires! In my experience, the best way to achieve this is to use a curved finger, g-spot sex toy or for her to be on top whilst you help her reach her amazing orgasm – don’t go up and down, rub your penis at the back of her vagina.

Enjoy Giving Her Oral Sex

Any woman can tell when a guy doesn’t enjoy giving oral sex, but if they’re prepared to without flinching, then so should you and she will appreciate it if she doesn’t have to ask, but if you just go ahead and do it – try to enjoy it.

Sam is a sex industry expert and knows all about facts and history of sex toys for men and women.

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Loving Yourself

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These days there is a lot of talk about self-love, and many people will tell you that you must first love yourself before you can love anyone else. While that is true, I think it needs some explaining. What does it mean to love yourself, and how does that manifest in daily life? It’s really about taking care of yourself: being absolutely present in your body, in your life, appreciating the joys of being you, and the unique gifts that you embody. That is love.

We (women, at least) are taught to put others’ needs before our own, and many of us believe (subconsciously if not consciously) that no one will love us if we don’t do that. But this doesn’t really work in the long run. If you aren’t centered in your own being-ness (which is another way of comprehending the experience of loving yourself) before you start helping others, you will eventually get sick yourself, and how is that going to help others? Yet it is a common pattern, that we take care of others at our own expense for long periods of time; so common that we often don’t even realize we are doing it. In the end, you will get sick because you are worn down from constantly giving yourself away, and the only cure for that is getting love and attention from others. Or, another way of putting it is that we all need love and attention, and if we don’t give it to ourselves we will tend to get sick so that we then have a good excuse to get what we need from others. In my opinion that is not a desirable cycle.

Sometimes you can form a partnership with another person, or people, where you give each other the love and attention you need, but the downside of that is that you become dependent on them. Better to learn to give it to yourself, and then form healthy partnerships that don’t involve dependence, but support change and growth. Taking responsibility for fulfilling your own needs frees you up to love someone else unconditionally. You are not desperately looking for love from an external source.

The fact of being alive is enough to make you worthy of love, so don’t question that. You have to forgive yourself for not being perfect enough that you don’t need something. No negative self-talk, even when you make mistakes! No one is perfect and we’re not meant to be, since mistakes are a necessary part of life and learning. Perfection is not a useful concept. We all need love and appreciation, and it is really about allowing it to flow from inside. That is when we can never doubt it, because it is felt as utterly, unquestioningly authentic. An external source is always at least a little uncertain, and therefore there is always fear of losing it.

In the end, you must question your priorities. What do you want most in life? What will truly delight you? When I asked myself that question, the answer was that I wanted to bring more joy into the world. The easiest and most effective way to do that is to be in a place of joy myself. So I sold my place to go traveling and took up kite-surfing, a pastime that is not useful in any obvious way, but brings me a great deal of joy, and that in itself is of enormous value, because joy is infectious. By taking care of myself and doing what feels right to me, I benefit everyone. How delightful is that?!

Of course, this kind of thinking can lead to selfish behavior, and there is a fine line between selfishness and self-care, or self-love. The former comes from a place of ego that is unhealthy and the latter comes from a place of individuation that incorporates an understanding of oneness. Or you can put it this way: the former arises out of fear of lack and a sense that there is not enough, while the latter arises out of trust in abundance and a self-awareness that comes from a very deep place of love for all things. One is competitive and the other is cooperative.

Be fully, unapologetically who you are, instead of trying to fit into the molds that your upbringing and society want to impose upon you. Never betray yourself by saying yes because you think you should, only do so when you really mean it. This requires courage and a lot of very honest introspection, but it’s always worth it, because everything in life is more fulfilling and rewarding when you are coming from that place of authenticity. And when you love yourself enough to be truthful, you will find that “true love” comes into your life from all kinds of sources.

Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org)

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Finding and Expressing Love

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There are many ways to express love, and different people experience love in different ways. One of the keys to compatibility with your partner is when you both express and receive love in the same ways, so it’s easy and natural for you to make each other feel loved. The feeling of being loved is relaxing, and being relaxed is a state wherein problems tend to fall away. Even problems within the relationship will resolve more easily because a person who feels loved by you will more readily be able to listen to your needs.

So it’s well worth finding out what makes your partner loved. Some people need to be told, I love you. Others need to be given things, like flowers or meals. Others need to feel heard. Some people need space and others need constant companionship. If two people with opposite needs get together, they must learn to adjust to each other, and sometimes it can take an external source such as a therapist to point out what’s going on. A person who needs space and isn’t getting enough alone-time will be irritable. A person who doesn’t want to be left alone will get needy and demanding when s/he isn’t getting enough time with her/his partner. Both partners have to learn to give the other person exactly what it is that they would not want. Being able to do that will make the relationship not only viable but deeply rewarding. People need to get what people need, and when they do, they are generally more able to give others what they need. It’s the opposite of a vicious cycle. Once again, it comes back to knowing yourself and what you need, being able to communicate that to your partner without making him/her feel defensive, and being able to hear your partner communicate her/his needs to you.

Love is a natural state of being. You can easily grow to love someone, and decide to continue in an intimate relationship with that person just because it gives you the companionship and sense of security that you want even if it is missing some major components, such as exciting sex. As I have said before, great sex in itself isn’t what makes a relationship work. Living with someone every day, sharing your daily life and having kids often isn’t conducive to exciting sex. Maybe you will want to go elsewhere if that is really important to you. Going elsewhere isn’t wrong or bad; but I value a world where people tell the truth, so I hope that if you go elsewhere, you will do so openly and discuss it with your partner.

On the other hand, let’s be realistic: some relationships are not based on honesty. It may be important to keep secrets from each other. Perhaps you need to feel like you have your own life and you are not totally dependent on this other person’s approval. (If you want a deep and meaningful relationship then you are already off to a bad start—but “deep and meaningful” is not for everyone). Women’s friendships with other women often fulfill a role that is missing for women in their relationships with their husbands; they can talk about things they would never talk about with him. And he can go fishing with his buddies, which he might never do with his wife. We in the West are very privileged to think that we can have relationships based on love. Many white men go to places like the Philippines and Indonesia to find a wife who will simply take care of them and occasionally have sex. Plenty of women from such impoverished countries are willing to do that in exchange for money which they send back to their families. It probably seems like a good deal to both of them. And love may grow from roots like those. It’s certainly not my job to tell anyone they should be looking for something more.

Many people have sex without real intimacy and therefore miss out on what could be an incredible experience, because they are too scared to go deep, or simply don’t perceive it as a possibility. This can be addressed and changed at any stage in the relationship. When I wrote the first edition of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women, I called up radio stations to ask if they would do reviews. On one occasion I pitched to a middle-aged man from the Midwest who had clearly never reviewed a book about sex. He hesitantly agreed to look at a copy of the book and I sent it off, thinking I would never hear from him again. A couple of weeks later he called me and set up an on-air interview which went very well. Later he emailed me to say, “I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your book has improved my relationship with my wife beyond my wildest expectations, after forty years of marriage.”

Probably they had never talked about sex before. It brings tears to my eyes to think that I was able to initiate such a wonderful change.

Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org).

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Love

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Let’s talk about love. I have said before and will say again that it is not love but compatibility and companionship that make a relationship work. You might love someone and yet need to stay well away from that person because s/he is abusive; but if you share many common interests with someone and s/he treats you well, then you grow to love that person because you gradually come to trust her/him the more you enjoy being together. Nevertheless, it is an extraordinary experience being in love with someone. It is truly a state of grace, when you look at a person and see only the epitome of beauty; when you look into someone’s eyes and it’s like falling forever; when you feel such intense delight at being with someone that you think you would happily die; when the lightest touch of skin on skin can make you orgasm; when you can’t think of anything or anyone else but that person. Why does that happen with some people and not others? I don’t really subscribe to the concept of chemistry since I see the body and the mind as a constant feedback loop. I think that sometimes we are just ready to go that deep, and when another person comes along who is also willing to go that deep, a connection is made. It also must be to do with the fact that our personal energies are in synchronicity—the vibe is right. You aren’t going to fall in love with someone who vibrates at a frequency that jars with yours.

Why doesn’t it last forever? Well, nothing lasts forever. We get on with our lives, and that is sometimes about going in different directions. The longevity of a relationship often has nothing to do with its quality, however much our culture might insist otherwise.

Most attraction is based not on falling in love as much as perceiving the possibility of a relationship that will give you what you want. That might be anything from a good-looking partner with lots of money and social credibility to someone who plays great music and is a good lover. But let’s not get too cynical: the vibration thing is very real. Our bodies are matrices of energy and all energy is vibrating at a particular frequency. When you meet someone who stirs something inside you, however slightly, you want that frequency to complement yours. It’s like music—certain kinds of music sound absolutely right and you want to listen to them again and again. You could see that person who stirs something inside you as having some quality that you want to integrate into your life, and that could be defined as what makes them attractive, even though you might not be aware of what it is.

Attraction doesn’t really relate to love except insofar as love relates to everything. Love is about being fully alive. It’s all around us. It’s the stuff of everything. It’s life force. We can cultivate a sense of love by watching and listening and partaking in all the life that is going on around us all the time. Appreciate and admire whatever you see or feel that pleases you. It might be a flower, a child playing, a cloud, a person, a car, a fast checkout at the grocery store, an animal, good weather—the possibilities are infinite. It’s best if you verbalize your pleasure aloud, but if you don’t want to do it aloud, then at least think it clearly to yourself, and allow yourself to smile. In other words, feel it in your body. That is about allowing life-force to move through you, it’s about being fully present. When you start doing this, you will meet others who do the same thing, and gradually you will learn to share this with each other. There is no finer thing than the physical intimacy that arises from sharing love with another person. It is much more than what this culture defines as sex, much more than intercourse. When you really make love, you are literally making love, you are operating from a place of simply wanting to give this person love, illustrate your love. You don’t need to bother about what society says you need to do in order to “perform” correctly. You only need to listen to your partner in the same way that you would listen to a piece of music, and then allow your own body to dance in response.

Whether this will develop into what we call a committed Relationship (as oppsoed to relating with a small “r” which we do with everyone and everything all the time) depends, of course, on how compatible you are. If not, that doesn’t mean that the sex hasn’t been a profound expression of love. Many people get stuck on repeating the experience of intensity that comes with particular lovers over and over even if the Relationship isn’t pleasant. Know that any experience of love comes from inside you. It’s not dependent on the presence of a particular external source. Yes, sometimes it seems like there is only that one special person who does it for you, and I don’t mean to belittle the pain that comes from letting go of that. But truthfully, when we really let go of what isn’t working, it makes space for something else which may be different yet also profoundly fulfilling and delightful.

Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org).

Top Women Sex Toys

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Women’s sex toys just keep on developing and making sexual pleasures even more enjoyable and fun. There are a vast number of sex toys available for women with some of those sex toys getting even more advanced than previous; one of the first vibrators available for women in a retail store was a steam vibrator that was available for retail in 1902 and was patented by an American. So even though sex toys for women have only more recently become mainstream the idea and ingenuity behind creating sex toys was established long ago.

Best Sex Toys for Women

The main and most popular sex toy for women that feels and looks realistic is the dildo. Dildos are available in many shapes and sizes and are amongst the household favorites when it comes to women purchasing sex toys. Here are a few examples of dildos that can be found on the internet or on the high street:

  • Doc Johnson Lock double penetrator – this is a perfect double penetrating dildo that can also be used as a strap on with adjustable waist strap.
  • Vibrating Rabbit – this is the classic series of vibrators that not only have different shapes and sizes, but there are also many different functions available to ensure that every woman will enjoy at least one or more rampant rabbit vibrators.
  • Strapless Strap on – a silicone and waterproof strap on that does not require any straps. Both you and you’re partner can interlock with one another and is an extremely exciting and arousing sex toy for women.

Apart from actual sex toys for women, there are sex products that are used for different purposes in different ways and are also more commonly known as sexual enhancers. Some good examples of sex enhancers for women:

  • Virgin Tight Cream – allows women to feel as sexual and be as tight as their first time. So if you’re a woman wishing for a tighter vaginal entrance and a tighter sensation then this cream is for you.
  • Breast enhancement kit – a lot of women feel like their breasts are not big enough and this breast enhancement kit enables all women that want to have bigger breasts, to have bigger breasts by offering the opportunity to maximize cleavage potential.
  • Oral Pleasures Woman – this sexual enhancer product makes licking become even more lustful and pleasurable. This strawberry scented taste along with a scent that makes you even more up for it is the perfect oral sexual enhancer for liking those body parts.

As ever with sex toys it really is a case each to their own so now you have a little more information, off you go and explore!

 

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Dealing with Jealousy – Again!

jealousy

I’ve touched on this subject before, but it’s so central in understanding how to have healthy relationships that it needs some in-depth examination.

There are not very many people in this world who have not felt jealous at some point or another, and it can take many forms. Let’s restrict it to the kind of jealousy that one tends to feel towards one’s intimate partner. Most people think that it’s natural and normal to feel jealous when your partner is sexually attracted to someone else, and many people don’t believe me when I say that doesn’t usually make me experience jealousy. I can find it quite arousing to think about my partner having sex with someone else. I’m not the only person who feels this way. Many polyamorous people have told me they find it exciting or pleasing to watch their partner flirting with someone else.

What makes it possible for some people to feel this way, while others will descend into an abyss of terror at the very idea? Are some of us just wired differently? That may be one way of looking at why we have such different reactions, but I think it’s more useful to examine exactly what it is that inspires what we call jealousy. It does seem to be primarily about security. If you are confident in yourself, and you operate from a place where you believe that life is full of possibilities, you are much less likely to be afraid of anything that anyone else is doing. You know that the world provides, and you expect yourself to have what you need. If you are uncertain about your value in the world, you are likely to be very anxious about losing what you have, and you tend to think of love as something you have or you don’t have. This is what makes people possessive about their partners, although, really, thinking of another person as something you have—something that’s yours—is a little strange. I certainly don’t like the idea that someone might be walking around in their daily life thinking of me as a possession. I might play with the concept in the bedroom—but I am a free entity elsewhere. And I expect my partners to act as free entities too. They make their own decisions. When we share intimacy, we need to be able to make some of those decisions together. But I am the one who will make decisions about what I do with my own life, and I don’t have any right to impose my desires on anyone else. I want my partners to be happy. In the long run, I know that I won’t be happy hanging out with someone who isn’t happy. However, I understand that many people are very afraid of being alone in the world, and they see love as a limited commodity.

Let’s go a little deeper. Many of us have been taught that the world is a dangerous place, especially for women, and we have to guard what we have, in case something or someone takes it away. I call this a survival mentality. A couple of hundred years ago, when our future was much less certain, and many of us struggled every day for food and shelter, most humans were in a survival mentality, operating from fear of scarcity. Since most westerners now live in a world where we can be pretty sure of getting enough to eat and a roof over our heads, we don’t live in scarcity any more. We don’t need to be anxious about getting our physical needs met. Does this mean we don’t need to be anxious about getting our emotional needs met either? I believe the two are inevitably inter-related, and we can learn how not to be anxious. That applies to being anxious about not having enough love as much as anything else. We can develop a perspective where we see that abundance surrounds us, and we can cultivate a constant awareness of the presence of love, so that we never feel alone. More on that in my next post!

Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org).

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: The Value of Feeling Desire

bed-couple-desire

In my last post, I described the various stages of desire, and suggested that we might utilize the experience of desire to manifest things in our physical world. We all are capable of manifesting what we need and want, otherwise we wouldn’t have food and shelter. We wouldn’t even have bodies! The process of manifestation, when it’s done consciously, involves first identifying what we want, then allowing ourselves to experience how delightful it will be when we have it, which is a physical sensation, and then committing to it, which is about making the decision to go for it without holding back. (We can still manifest things without making the decision whole-heartedly–but it won’t be such a straightforward process, in the same way that sex is less fulfilling when you are not wholly involved in it). Finally, we have to act on the opportunities that present themselves.

Most people make two mistakes:

1. Thinking that they have to work at making it happen. Let’s go back to sex here: you don’t have to work at feeling desire when it’s sexual—or if you do, you might as well forget it, because working at it doesn’t work. You have to allow it to occur of its own accord. That’s really what life is about. Note that there is a difference between participating in and working at something, or trying to force it to be a particular way. I don’t mean that you just lie back and let it happen, or not happen, as the case may be; on the contrary, you need to be pro-active in creating it the way you want. The point is you can’t force it to be something other than what you really want, no matter what anyone else thinks or wants. You are who you are, and that is the gift that you bring to the world. So first settle back into who you are and then see what it is you want, not what society and your friends and family think you should want. Cultural and social influences can confuse us very deeply, and then we waste our energy trying to fit in (doing what we think is normal) rather than identifying what it is we want and need. This goes for how you like to have sex, and it goes for how you like to be in the world.

2. Focusing on the fact that they don’t have what they want, rather than on the delight they will feel when they do have it. Make a habit of going back again and again to the sensation of delight that you will feel when you do have it.

The power of manifestation lies primarily in the ability to feel how delighted you will be when you have what you want. That feeling, when it is not contradicted, will bring what you want. Again, you can utilise sex to help you get there. When you are building up to orgasm or you want to fuck and you know it is going to happen, and you feel that delight coursing through your body, so that nothing else matters, remember that you can apply this intensity of energy to getting other things. When you are in that euphoric post orgasmic phase, and your mind is drifting in bliss land, gently focus it on something you want. No effort needs to be made; just decide and delight.

A word about ethics here. It isn’t ethical to impose your desires on others. To force or even persuade someone to do something that s/he really doesn’t want to do is not OK. In truth, it doesn’t even work to do that, because what we all want is to be happy, whatever form that takes for any individual, and no one is happy unless they are doing what they want. If you want to manifest love (which you can certainly do), practice loving yourself and others. Love comes from many quarters and in many forms. Look around you and see it everywhere. Be very careful about setting your sights on a particular person. Do you want others to allow you to be yourself and get what you want? Then allow others to be themselves and get what they want. You cannot change other people, and things tend to get nasty when you try.

It’s very common to have fantasies about being powerless or having power over others. You can act out these fantasies in consensual negotiated sex play, and I’ll address that in another post (see also my previous posts on bondage). It is better not to ignore fantasies – they always hold a great deal of power, and denying that does not make it go away.

Author Byline: Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org).

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Sex and the Vastness of Being

Sex is an unparalleled opportunity to learn how to work with energy flows and develop awareness of the existence of states of reality that are beyond the physical. Although it starts with the body and appears to arise in the body, sexual energy can take us into a state of awareness that is far greater than our normal daily consciousness.

I refer to this expanded state of awareness as the vastness of being because it is very much a sense of vastness, of taking part in an existence that occurs on many other levels. We might imagine our everyday existence as a narrow band of reality within something that is actually so huge it is beyond our wildest imaginings. We perceive the truth of this in the aftermath of orgasm: a blissful perspective from which our daily worries seem ridiculous and trivial.

However, the fact that it takes us into an expanded state of consciousness is only part of what we can learn from sex. It can teach us how to work with flows of energy through the body, and that is the basis of the art of manifestation, which in turn is the art of choice, which is perhaps the most basic of the various arts of being human. When we really know how to make a choice and then apply it to physical reality so that we can manifest what we want here and now, we are much more likely to be able to be happy. (I am qualifying this slightly, as it’s very common for people to think they want a particular thing, and then find that it doesn’t make them happy—but that’s all part of the process of life).

I’ll explain the basics of this first and then go into it in more detail in another post. The first and most important aspect of choosing something is to allow ourselves to experience desire. We can desire anything—but sexual desire is often more familiar to us than other form of desire. Think of it as a sensation moving through your body, without labeling it. It is simply the sensation of energy (which is life-force) building inside, and it wants to be expressed. In truth, it doesn’t have to be manifested as sexual energy, but the intensity of the feeling is often interpreted as sexual partly because that is what we know, and partly because the intensity can be uncomfortable, so that we sometimes just look for the quickest way to release it in order to get back to feeling “normal.” It’s a good idea to get used to that sensation, because it is about life moving through us, and when we allow it, rather than trying to avoid it, we are more alive. That means we are energetic, enthused, excited, present, motivated, and focused: in short, we are full of life. Doesn’t that sound like a good thing? Especially when you consider that most illnesses can be traced back to areas of stuck energy in the body.

In the process of sexual desire, we experience various stages that might be categorized thus: an initial build-up that demands our attention, an increase in intensity that is very much a physical sensation, a very specific focus, an almost irresistible sense of urgency, and then a powerful and sudden release, followed by a state of bliss which can last a long time if we allow it. In a situation which we don’t define as sexual, these stages can all occur slowly and gradually, but the process may also be very rapid, and the format is often very similar, with the various states I have described above being more or less acute or prolonged. I’ll say more about how this applies to manifesting what we want in physical reality in my next post; meanwhile, you might practice recognizing and savoring these various stages in non-sexual situations, particularly when you are being creative.

Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org).

Sorry Boys, Size DOES Matter!

penis cupcakes

If you are a man who has been cursed with a less than generous handout in the pants department you might want to look away now.

New research by the Journal of Sexual Medicine has shown that contrary to popular (wishful?) thinking penis size does matter when it comes to pleasing a woman in bed.

The good news is that it only matters for some women and some types of orgasms.

Read more at - Mail Online.

Get your copy of Keep Your Panties Up and Your Skirt Down today!

 

Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Becoming Gay

Mardi Gras flight

Realizing that you are attracted to the same sex can occur gradually or very suddenly; it can happen when you are seventy or when you are three. It can change and fluctuate or remain constant. Thinking you are gay and then being attracted to someone of the opposite sex can be just as much of a shock as the other way round. Recognizing their gay-ness happens a million different ways for different people, men and women. I believe that left to our own devices, many (perhaps everyone) of us would be bisexual. But the assumption about what our sexual preferences should be is deeply ingrained in our subconscious from a long history of sexual repression, and sex is too often a subject heavily loaded with anxiety and pain, so those kinds of decisions are very rarely free choices. We can repress all kinds of feelings that might threatened our established reality without ever being consciously aware of what we are doing.

Being bisexual is not even a free choice for people who have had the occasion or the courage to identify as gay, because within the gay community there has been some suspicion of bisexuals. They tend to be dismissed as fence-sitters, or thought to be “backsliding.” This kind of attitude arises out of a natural mistrust of outsiders that exists in all oppressed groups, and happily, it is not nearly so prevalent in places where being gay is becoming widely accepted. Still, it’s important to realize that only just over fifty years ago, being gay was illegal in the United States. Less than thirty years ago, Thatcher tried to introduce a bill in the UK which would have prevented any openly homosexual person (male or female) from working with children. The gay community was very tight-knit with good reason to be wary of people who didn’t fully embrace the cause.

When we’re talking about sex, it’s often important to bring it back to the personal rather than keeping it in the theoretical arena, so I want to talk about my own her-story. In my twenties, thirty-five years ago, I was having an affair with a man whose wife (whom I shall call C.) was attracted to me. I had thought about sleeping with women and regarded it as an interesting option, but I wasn’t aware of being more attracted to women than to men; that is to say, I was aware at various times of being attracted to both, and I hadn’t slept with women because I didn’t know any who were interested in me. I wasn’t particularly attracted to C., although I liked her well enough. In any case, her husband was tired one night, and magnanimously left me with his wife – an action he later regretted, since once I had slept with her and fallen head over heels, I had no desire to go back to sleeping with him.

It wasn’t until I actually had sex with a woman that I understood the connection between sex and love. My inability to connect the two when I was sleeping with men may be because men have traditionally used sex as a weapon from the beginning of time, and I was indoctrinated in that belief at a young age. In spite of the fact that I had slept with plenty of men, I had never been treated with the kind of reverence that C. accorded me. Perhaps if that weren’t so, I would be able to have loving sex with men now. In theory, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be able to do so, except that my body says “no way.” There are too many unpleasant memories that cannot easily be dismissed. More on this in my next post . . .

Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women. For more info, see mikayaheart.org

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