I recently ran into a colleague who had a question for me to answer: What are some good sex positions or sex position aides for people who are larger and/or older? Especially for someone with a bit of a belly?
This came on the heels of a question that I received during a sex Q&A session at a conference for college students, which basically amounted to, “Do people continue to have sex when they get older, and if so, how?” This might have been inspired by Miley Cyrus’s recent declaration that no one over 40 has sex, coupled with the fact that most of the “sexy” or sexual images we are shown do, indeed, feature young, thin people. It’s distressing to me that young people worry about whether they’ll have sex when they get older, while people who are older and/or larger have trouble finding sex resources that speak to them. Let’s try to remedy that a bit, shall we?
Everyone’s body is different, so there’s no single magic sex position that I would universally recommend for everyone of a particular body type or age. Some general concerns that people share are comfort (both physical and psychological), ease of access to the genitals or other erogenous areas and avoiding strain on the joints and back.
Read full article via Sex Positions for Larger or Older People | SEXPress | Shepherd Express.
Do you remember when you first met? His hands sputtering between nerves and the subconscious sign-language of infatuation, as your eyes search his for subtle signs of interest. You rolled the right words around in your mouth before asking him to dance, admiring his courage or latent skill as you moved around the floor, weaving between a blur of bodies. Fast forward and you can’t wait to get away from each other, connected only by history or a common name. Your body chemistry long ago shifted from a giddy endorphin rush to tired attachment, replacing passion with familiarity. You don’t want to leave, you’re in love. Right?
Reconnect, skin to skin. If your mind wandered directly into the adult store, you’re disregarding an arguably more important component of a physical and emotional relationship. Cuddling, snuggling, hugging, holding each other without words or hesitation, call it what you will. Traditionally advertised as a feminine desire or trait, cuddling creates a conduit for an emotional and physical connection, transcending sexuality and creating an environment of affection and acceptance. Syncing sleeping patterns is ideal, fashioning an ideal setting for honest conversation and skin to skin contact, without the pressure of sexual activity. Take it one step further one night a week and treat your partner to a massage; spice it up using essential oils and body lubricants.
If your marriage or partnership has slammed into a wall of reality, take some time out together. Date Nights and weekend getaways are an opportunity to remove ourselves from responsibility, pressure and excuses, encouraging clear communication and exploration. Experiencing your partner in a new context allows you to see how they’ve changed, develops perspective and builds trust; you’re no longer a partner but an anchor, providing security, support and morale. This positive role development will encourage both partners to stop taking the other for granted, increase respect and saddle you with more stories never to tell your kids.
Sex is often the last thing on our minds, as we wind our way home after the 9-6 grind. Between keeping the calories off and catching up on housework, paperwork or working out why your friends never call you anymore, you’ve lost your sexual self under the slush pile on your desk. Naughty but Nice offers a cheeky collection of costumes and accessories to inspire a hand sputtering, tongue-tied reaction; we often forget men and women have sexual urges, most are often easily fulfilled with a change of clothes, a dash of scenery and a drop of risqué adventure.
In my last post, I wrote about the process I went through to get to a place of opening up to women on a sexual level. Some lesbians know from a young age that they are only interested in women, but they are in the minority. It certainly didn’t happen that way for me. Prior to recognizing how delightful it was to sleep with women, I had had a number of very close friendships with women, and in retrospect I had been in love with my best friend from high school, who was resoundingly heterosexual. Perhaps that taught me not to perceive sleeping with women as an option; perhaps I didn’t dare to hope. Thanks to a number of negative sexual experiences, I had very little clarity around the concept of sexual attraction, and on a conscious level I didn’t identify my childhood friendship as sexual at all.
In my case, the opening that occurred in my twenties was fairly mind-blowing, and while I am certainly not saying it’s that way for everyone, a surprising number of women do find that being sexual with other women is a remarkable and very surprising awakening. Later, they may look back and say that it never felt right sleeping with men, just as some gay men who have tried sleeping with women will say it never felt right; but how do you know something doesn’t feel right until you have tried something else? For women especially, who are not so accustomed to taking the initiative sexually, there often has to be some kind of an opening, such as C.’s husband so conveniently provided for me. (see my previous post).
Nowadays it’s a lot more acceptable to be gay; but still, many women don’t feel a spark with another woman and so assume there is no spark there, whereas in fact we are very deeply conditioned only to feel attracted to the opposite sex, and it’s not as easy to buck that convention as one might think. That kind of conditioning takes several generations to evaporate, and meanwhile it operates on a deep level that we aren’t aware of. In other words, the spark may be buried so deep that it takes some nurturing before it bursts into flame.
As an example, I’ll refer to my own experience again. The first time I slept with C. it was pleasant but not earth-shaking. However, without my conscious awareness, it tripped some switch: the following day I packed my bags and took off traveling abroad. Months later, I met up with C., and that was when my world turned abruptly upside down. In retrospect, I couldn’t have allowed that to happen when I was still comfortably ensconced in my oh so familiar life back home.
If you find yourself experiencing an attraction to someone of the same gender, you are obviously not obliged to act on it, and it certainly doesn’t mean you are gay. But you might want to think about that kind of label. Are you avoiding it because of the social stigma? Because of how it might end up changing your life if you embrace it? Because you want to be “normal”? Because you are personally holding onto some prejudices about what it means to be gay? Because you think that lesbians are mannish and ugly, or gay men are feminine and affected? Those are common stereotypes, and although it’s true that some lesbians and gays embrace them, plenty of gays and lesbians don’t. Rest assured, you can look as heterosexual as you like (whatever that means), and still be actively sexual with people of the same gender—or not. If you want to be accepted in the lesbian and gay communities, you may experience a certain pressure to conform to stereotypes, just as you may in any community. Prejudice about how you should look is sadly prevalent in both heterosexual and gay circles, and no one has to knuckle under to such reactionary and limited ways of thinking. Have the courage to be fully who you are, no matter whom you are attracted to and no matter what you look like.
Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org). If the above post interests you, check out Mikaya’s article on “Allowing Myself to Look Like Me” at http://bodyandselfimage.com/2011/11/05/mikaya-heart-allowing-myself-to-look-like-me/
When you just aren’t enjoying sex, what can you do about it? The answer to that is multifaceted since people vary enormously, but for now I’ll pin it down to three different situations:
1. If you have had good sex in the past, and you just aren’t getting turned on right now, you might want to accept that you are going through a non-sexual phase in your life, and that’s fine. At some point in the future you will probably start to feel sexual again. Meanwhile concentrate on putting your energy into something else that calls you.
2. If you are just having trouble with this particular partner, then you need to address it very specifically with this partner. That means talking and listening to each other. As I’ve said before, communication requires being able to listen without judgment. Since we are taught to be judgmental as we grow up, that often isn’t easy. It would benefit us all to learn to establish personal preferences instead of thinking that because we feel that something is bad, others shouldn’t do it, and they are bad people if they do. That’s not useful. A nonjudgmental approach is the basis of the art of communication. Once you can state your own preferences clearly and listen to your partner, you may be able to work out how to have sex together than satisfies you both.
However, communicating doesn’t always solve this problem. Sometimes a person’s touch just doesn’t do it for you. Maybe you are attracted to them on some other level, but not sexually. We all vibrate at different frequencies and, just as you may experience certain kinds of music as jarring, so also you may experience another person’s touch as jarring. Your vibrations are too different. This is nobody’s fault. It can sometimes change but not usually simply by wishing it to change.
3. Plenty of people have never had sex that feels really good, although most will never admit it because they think there is something wrong with them. If this is your situation, let me assure you there is nothing wrong with you, because there is no “normal” when it comes to sex. Many people aren’t really in their bodies at all, and you are never going to have really good sex until you are fully inhabiting your own body. It’s also true that standard sex—a little foreplay, intercourse, the man’s orgasm, and that’s the end of it—doesn’t work for most women without some variation at the very least. Or you may be on of those people who needs something absolutely different: a BDSM relationship or a lover of the same sex, for instance. How can you find out what works for you? More on that in my next post . . .
Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a coach in the art of being fully alive.
I was recently asked if I think it’s OK for girls to be promiscuous. The question that immediately jumped to my mind was why are you asking about girls and not about boys? The answer of course is that is OK for boys to be promiscuous – boys are encouraged to be sexually active, and they’re often sneered at if they’re not, while girls are discouraged from being sexually active, and are often called sluts if they are. But wait a minute – who are boys supposed to be sexual with if girls are not doing it? Since I’m a gay woman, the answer seems obvious to me – and yet, it also doesn’t fit with society’s judgments. It’s one of those great non-sensical conundrums that has led me to believe social mores are just plain weird.
So, is it OK for girls to sleep around? Well, that depends on their motivation. For many girls, seducing men is a source of power in a world where they mostly experience themselves as powerless. Ideally, they could find another source of personal power that doesn’t depend on how others react to them, and adults around them could help them to do that. After all, that should really be the job of the parents: making sure their kids grow up with appropriate self-esteem and avenues for their personal gifts. On the other hand, it might be that a girl’s gift is manifested in sexual activity, and she gets a great deal of fulfillment from having lots of sex. I have no problem with that – sex is a wonderful thing, and people who are in their sexual power, and able to define clearly what they want sexually are truly bringing a gift into the world, one from which all their partners and the world in general can benefit.
One of the biggest problems for younger people is to find good information about sex. Many people are still afraid to talk about it in an open and real way. Very few parents can advise their kids adequately about sex, and other people are afraid of being called perverts if they talk openly. The Internet is a good source of information for many things, but when it comes to sex, there is a great deal of unrealistic rubbish. I foresee a time when there will be specific people that kids can talk to about sex in complete confidence, without any judgments about what they ought to be doing or ought not to be doing, and I will certainly celebrate the day that happens. In the meantime, the best way for a girl to find out is by trial and error (hopefully she has enough information to be using safe sex methods). If she’s really lucky she comes from a family where she has been encouraged to masturbate, and then she can find out for herself what her body wants. Sadly, most girls are not encouraged to play with their own bodies or to talk about sex, and so she may end up experimenting endlessly with boys who also don’t know anything, and also are afraid to ask. That’s not a recipe for good sex, but the human spirit is amazingly resilient, and I know from my own personal experience that the day can always arrive when you say both yes and no with equal determination.
Mikaya Heart is the award-winning author of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women, and other books.
I recently heard about someone who had orgasms when she was doing sit-ups. Presumably she uses her PC muscles when she is doing sit-ups, and the PC muscle in turn stimulates the tissues of the clitoris, since it’s all in the same area. She would also have to be willing to allow the sensation of orgasm to occur in that situation; many of us would suppress it before it reached fruition, perhaps before we were even aware of the possibility of coming. In any case, exercising regularly will help you to get in tune with your body, which is an essential aspect of having good sex, because your body knows what it needs and wants, and when you have an orgasm you must trust your body enough to let it take over.
Some sports can be ecstatic and refreshing in a similar way to having an orgasm. My sport of choice is kitesurfing, which is an exquisite dance with water and wind. The movements that I am making to enable myself to stay on the board are so constant and minute that they are far beyond the ability of the rational brain. They are a body memory, and when I am out there, I must be absolutely focused and present, allowing my body to do what it needs to do without interference from the rational brain. I always return to shore feeling re-vitalized and renewed. Does this sound anything like sex?
I assume that most extreme sports, such as mountain climbing and car racing, have a similar effect, but other sports such as running and biking can certainly improve your sex life, especially if you share them with your partner. You may find that exercise of any kind enhances your intimacy and gets you both in the mood for sex simply because it is a way of tuning into the body and raising your energy levels – which are then looking for the kind of release that sex can provide.
Toned PC muscles can prevent urinary incontinence as well as enhance your sexual responses quite dramatically in some cases. You can identify them by stopping your pee in mid flow. Then, when you are sitting at work, in a traffic jam, or waiting in line at the bank, practice contracting and relaxing those muscles. It’s worth the minimal effort it takes, but remember that relaxing them is as important as strengthening them, because chronic tension in the genital area can cause sexual problems. Women who have difficulty relaxing the PC muscle may often have emotional issues to deal with. Don’t think there is something wrong with you if that’s your situation; it’s usually to do with bad experiences or simply growing up around people who are uptight about sex, which, sadly, includes a large percentage of people in the world. The good news is that it’s always possible to work through those issues. You may need to find a good understanding therapist who can work with you.
Mikaya Heart is author of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women and other books. Visit her at www.mikayaheart.org
In my last blog, I mentioned some basics around feelings, what they are, and how they affect us. I’m very fond of saying that the rational brain is limited in its value, and when it comes to feelings, that is particularly true, because feelings have nothing to do with the rational brain.
The place where difficult feelings first arose is often our childhood, when we were forced to try to ignore them in the process of trying to be adult. Denying feelings requires tremendous energy in the long run (and many people deny them for many years). Holding our bodies tightly so that the feelings won’t flow is a major source of stress, and trying to block the flow is never one hundred percent effective, so unexpressed feelings leak out in unpleasant ways, which usually makes a person unpleasant to be around. The extraordinary thing is that even the most difficult feelings will transform, often very quickly, when they are expressed – allowed to flow, that is—and the sense of freedom that suffuses us when we do that is awesome. Learning to express emotions as they arise, without dumping them on others, is my definition of what being adult really is about. It is an art, and not necessarily an easy one to learn. Yet the importance of allowing one’s body to express itself (and feelings are integral with the body), of being demonstrative without being violent, cannot be underestimated.
When the need to withhold feelings is strong enough, it will prevent us having fulfilling and rewarding sex, because a part of us wants to stop the orgasm that would otherwise open the floodgates to feelings, as a powerful orgasm will do. In the long run that usually results in lack of sexual desire, and I’ll say more about that in another post, because it can be very valuable to address that. Allowing feelings to flow through us freely, a process that sex can facilitate, has enormous repercussions: it is a huge step in the direction of leading a fulfilling and rewarding life. It’s not that sex in itself is the answer to life’s problems (although research has shown that good sex can alleviate a great deal of pain and illness), it’s more that it clears away blocks to what is possible. It opens doors to an absolutely different perspective, one that is free from worries and concerns, one where we are simply and fully who we are, and that is all that is necessary. What would happen if we lived from that perspective on a daily basis? The majority of the things that take up our brain space would simply fall away, as we grasped the reality that how we feel is much more important than getting things done. We would see with very different eyes and hear with very different ears. We would marvel at the taste and texture of a piece of bread and butter. We would spend a lot of time appreciating the beauty around us, and our judgments of what is beautiful would change radically, as we interpreted our reality from the present moment instead of from our cultural conditioning. We would operate from a place that was free of judgmental preconceptions – and that is the ultimate definition of freedom.
Mikaya Heart is the author of several books, including The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women.
In my last post I discussed the Gspot. Now let’s talk about ejaculation. Some women naturally seem to ejaculate when they are aroused, sometimes without even knowing they are doing it, others never ejaculate, and others learn to do it, usually as a result of different kinds of sexual experimentation. Very little research has been done on this subject, but there was a human sexuality student who collected ejaculate from a variety of women, and tested its chemical composition. He found it be very similar to male ejaculate, without the semen. Scientists say that the Gspot in women develops from the same fetal tissue from which the testes grow in men. So it’s clearly a very normal sexual response. Let me stress again, however, there is nothing wrong with you if you don’t do it, and you can still have incredible sex. As with all our sexual responses, it is related to cultural influences: I heard of a tribe in Africa where the women were not considered eligible for marriage until they could spray the wall, and they were taught how to do that by the older women in the tribe.
Not everyone loves it, though. One woman I spoke with, who started ejaculating in her twenties, told me that now she is in her thirties she would prefer not to be soaking the bed every time she has sex–but it doens’t seem to be something she can prevent any more. People do report that there is sometimes a phenomenal amount of fluid. It is frequently more of a dribble or a flood that it is an actual spray. And it is not always related to specific Gspot stimulation.
Interestingly, many women report that it is not related to orgasm, or at least not to orgasm as most of us in Western culture define the word. As I have said before, if we talked about orgasm as much as I think we “should,” we would have twenty different words for it, and perhaps one of those words would describe what it feels like for a woman to ejaculate. The use of the word orgasm usually refers to a sensation that is based on clitoral stimulation, and it arises out of a holding of the energy, through initially tensing the body, rather than a relaxing and letting go, which is more commonly reported by women when they are having what might be called a vaginal orgasm, which may be accompanied by ejaculation. But please note all the qualifying words I have used in the above sentence. As I discovered from my research for The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women, the variation in experience of sexual arousal and orgasm is vast.
As those of you who read the comments on my last post will know, men are sometimes amazed at the power of women’s arousal. Many people, myself included, have said they are overawed by women who really allow themselves to embrace their sexual power, and a number of men have told me that they feel women’s arousal goes far deeper than than theirs does, whether in relation to ejaculation or to sex in general. Insecure men are easily frightened by this, which is very sad–and no doubt related to the reason why women’s power has been belittled over the centuries.
The experience of orgasm doesn’t have to be related to sexual excitement. One of the women I interviewed reported that at the age of fifteen she was watching a horse race. She found it very exciting and, at the moment when the horses crossed the finish line, she felt an unusual sensation in her belly and a flooding down her legs. She had had her first experience of orgasm, and it was an ejaculatory orgasm. She is one of those unusual women who doesn’t like to have her clitoris touched, but comes very powerfully from the right kind of arousal, whether created by a horse race or by genital stimulation!
Mikaya Heart is an award winning author and a coach in the art of being fully alive. www.mikayaheart.org
Since it’s Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to suggest that we all give thanks to our bodies. That’s actually something I recommend on a daily basis. Most of us take our bodies for granted, frequently forcing them to do all kinds of things that they really don’t want to do, running around all day long instead of taking time to sit and relax. We need to develop a good relationship with our bodies; we need to learn to listen to them. We are partners for life with the body we were born into, so make the best of it. Our bodies want to please us but like everything else, they need love and attention. One of the best ways to give them that is to make love. There is nothing like a good orgasm to make the body happy.
Sex always involves the body, and good sex requires that you are absolutely present in your body. We are energetic beings as well as physical beings, and some of us are not in the habit of having both in the same place. While the physical body is on one side of the room, your energetic body may be on the other side. (Really, that happens.) One of the wonderful things about sex is that when you start feeling sexual desire, you become absolutely present and integrated, and nothing else matters. You are all in one place with one focus. It’s good to have that experience of being absolutely right there, being fully in your body. We need to learn to do that more in our lives. We often think that sex is the only way to get that feeling of “right there-ness” but in reality, it can occur whenever we are totally concentrated. All great artists know that feeling—it’s about allowing the energy of creation to move through us, only it doesn’t have to be about making babies.
Another timely topic is childhood sexual abuse. I bring that up now because it’s classic for people who have had unpleasant sexual encounters to leave their bodies as soon as they start having sex. I know, I was one of them. Because of that, I have a deeper understanding of sexual abuse than many people, so let me correct a couple of misunderstandings: sexual abuse is not more common than it used to be, it’s just that until recently everyone covered it up. The shame and secrecy were more powerful than the desire to tell the truth. Although people still cover it up a lot, it’s beginning to leak out around the edges. That’s a good thing, a very good thing. Sexual abuse can’t keep occurring if the victims don’t keep quiet about it. But it does require courage to talk about it, because it’s such an intense assault on the psyche that it creates a deep sense of shame.
The other misunderstanding is that it happens as much or more to boys as it does to girls. It’s just that we hear about it more from boys, they are more likely to talk about it. Because of the way that sex has been used to threaten women since the beginning of time, women grow up with a deep subconscious awareness that sex can be used against them and that many men see them as prey. Until the last hundred years, our culture hasn’t considered that a problem at all, and women who complained got no support from the status quo. It takes a lot of generations to change those old cultural ways of thinking, and most girls still won’t talk about it.
The good news is that it’s possible to heal—once again, I know, I did it. An understanding and loving partner is huge plus, because you have speak about it openly, and you have to give a voice to those feelings. We can’t have good sex without our feelings coming up, anyway—at least it might be possible for men, but not very many women can cut themselves off from their feelings and still have great sex. Sadly, some women are never able to be very present for sex, often because of past sexual trauma. We need to educate all our children so that they understand they have the right to dictate what happens to their bodies, making sure they know that if any kind of abuse ever occurs we will be there standing behind them one hundred percent. And that goes for sexual abuse that happens when we are adults as well.
Let’s all start talking about sex in a real and open way. If we talked about sex as much as I think we should, this would be a different world, and sexual abuse would barely exist, because it couldn’t be hidden and we wouldn’t tolerate it. And, by the way, we would have at least twenty different words for different types of orgasm.