If you’re single during the holiday season, you might find yourself feeling particularly lonely this time of year. Even if you are enjoying your single status, the holidays seem to bring out the romance in all of us and it … Continue reading
Wigglo Pets are the creation of eight-year old Maya Grace. No mess. No clean-up. No vet bills. Rub the Wigglo and see how it responds. Wigglos are the pets who love to be petted. A portion of the proceeds from … Continue reading
Beyond Eggnog and Mistletoe: Creating a Stress Free Holiday Season You’ll Love Beyond Eggnog and Mistletoe is a woman’s guide to creating the holiday season of her dreams, one without stress, chaos or exhaustion. If you’ve ever found yourself missing … Continue reading
When you’re choosing gifts for family and friends this holiday season, consider these gift suggestions that have a proven track record for being enjoyable and useful at the same time. The holidays are a busy time for almost everyone, and … Continue reading
Does the holiday season make you feel annoyed and stuck — like the kid who freezes his tongue to a flagpole in the oft-played film, “A Christmas Story“? You’re not alone. The unappealing side of the holiday season combines all … Continue reading
This infographic sends a message on how the public would prevent spammers and hackers from misleading consumers and steal their money. There are precautions that needs to be done and awareness to the updated modus of attackers. Black Friday and … Continue reading
With the festive season fast approaching, many people will undoubtedly be thinking exactly the same thing – what present do I buy for that ridiculously hard-to-buy-for person? Let’s face it, everybody knows one. There’s always at least one person who … Continue reading
The holidays are fast approaching and with each day, budgets and wallets begin their yearly shriek of dismay. Shopping for so many people can quickly add up and though it may seem easy to stick everything on “plastic,” the repercussions … Continue reading
The Ghost of Christmases Past
“Remember last Christmas, when Daddy…?”
When Daddy was still here. When Daddy was still alive or when Daddy was still living with you, whichever the case may be. When Daddy took the kids sledding, or when Daddy reached up to place the tree-topper without needing a stepladder, or when Daddy fought all day to assemble the presents the kids had gotten that admitted “Some assembly required.” Some?!
Is that the kind of reminiscing that’s going on in your house?
Or maybe it wasn’t just last year that Daddy did whatever you’re remembering over Christmas. Maybe he’s been gone—divorced or dead—two years or more already.
The question here is: Is that kind of reminiscing a healthy thing to do? And the answer is, Yes and No.
No if the kids are having a happy holiday season and you drag them down by reminiscing and introducing a sad subject.
Yes if the kids bring it up themselves…and don’t dwell endlessly on it.
No if Dad is divorced from you, and the subject is raised in bitterness.
Yes if Dad is dead rather than divorced.
Life goes on…but the past isn’t always the past
It’s important to live for today and for tomorrow, but we can’t help reminiscing about yesterday. It just isn’t healthy to live in the past—remembering fondly is one thing; being dragged down by memories is something else. If your kids’ father is alive but no longer living with them and you, honor and respect their sadness but don’t encourage their dwelling endlessly on the past. It’s not going to change anything, even though they may wish for a reconciliation and his return to the household. Refocus their thoughts on the fun you’re going to have this year.
If their father is deceased, totally gone from their lives, that’s a fact they have to accept, unlike the case of a divorce, where hope for a return may spring eternal despite your insistence that it’s not going to happen. In the case of a death, some dwelling on the past is less damaging as it’s not going to lead to their being filled with false hopes for a return.
The past lives on in our memories and helps form who we are. You do not want to erase your children’s good memories of their dad, even if he was a lying, cheating, no-good husband. Those good memories are an important part of their childhood. No matter what bitterness you may harbor toward your ex, he was still their father. On the other hand, you also want to encourage them to look ahead.
New traditions
One way to accomplish this—regardless of whether their father is gone by virtue of death or divorce—is by instituting new traditions. Don’t try to start 10 new traditions in one year. That’s overload. One or two or three are workable numbers. You can always add another new tradition next year, if you want. These can be big traditions or small and can center around the actual day of Christmas itself or the holiday season in general.
If your imagination fails you and you can’t think of a Christmas season tradition to institute, perhaps you could borrow a tradition from my book Family Traditions, Customs, and Celebrations. Though the original hardbound edition is out of print, it has been re-released as an e-book and is available on the web from Secret Cravings Publishing or from Amazon.com.
Give your children something to enjoy now and remember fondly in the future concerning the holiday season, something that doesn’t involve their father.
Missing your ex
The truth is, especially if you were not the one who asked for the divorce but even if the divorce was your idea, you may be looking back fondly too. That’s normal. It does not mean you made a mistake by divorcing him, or you are weak-willed, or anything like that. Surely the marriage was not all bad. There must have been some good times too. And it is natural to remember them fondly. If he had been a totally unremitting S.O.B. you never would have married him in the first place.
The point, though, is not to wallow in a tear-fest and not to encourage your kids to do so either. We can’t forget the past, nor do we want to, but we don’t want to dwell on it interminably either. Move on. Don’t have a sad holiday season. Be sure to make it a truly Merry Christmas.
This Thanksgiving, have you thought about thanking not just God but people? (To my Canadian readers, my apologies: I know you celebrated your Thanksgiving last month. And to my readers in other countries, bear with me. The thought is worth considering, even if it’s not your holiday.)
Now, I also recognize that you may be anywhere on the faith spectrum from deeply religious to believing but non-observant all the way to being an atheist with no belief in God at all. Your celebration of the annual holiday may therefore involve lots of prayer, both in church and at home, or no prayer at all, or somewhere in between.
No matter. What I have to say is relevant regardless of what your religious beliefs and observances are. You see, while taking nothing away from the tradition of thanking God for our blessings on this holiday, I do believe firmly that on Thanksgiving—or near Thanksgiving, if you don’t have the opportunity on the holiday itself—we should thank the people who make our lives better in both big ways and small.
Let’s start with your children. Depending on your circumstances, raising them as a solo parent might be something of a logistical nightmare for you, but even if that’s the case, I bet you’re glad you have them, and I bet there are things you’d want to thank them for if you thought about it.
Now’s your chance. Speak up. Tell them what the things are you appreciate. Tell them what you’re thankful for, even if it’s merely that they do their chores without too much prodding most of the time.
Do your parents live nearby? Do they help out with childcare? With financial aid? With moral support, encouragement, and advice? In some other way? Have you told them lately how much you appreciate what they do for you? It’s Thanksgiving—thank them.
Do you have a babysitter who makes herself available in the evening on short notice, or stays late willingly for after-school care when you’re stuck at work, or goes above and beyond by not just watching the kids but teaching them, or in some other way makes herself invaluable? Have you thanked her lately for what she does? If not, now’s a good opportunity.
If you’re divorced but on decent terms with your ex, here’s a novel thought: how about thanking him for not being the louse that so many exes can be. If he does the right thing—sees the kids when he’s supposed to, sends the child support checks when he’s supposed to, backs you up when the kids try to play both ends against the middle, and doesn’t play head games—thank him for being a decent ex and/or a decent dad.
There are undoubtedly also people who have less—or nothing at all—to do with your status as a solo parent but who also deserve thanks, and now is the time to express your appreciation to them, too. This being the Solo Parenting column, however, I am focusing here on matters specifically relevant to your status as a single parent.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. One of the things I am thankful for is having each of you as a reader. May you have a rewarding, fulfilling holiday season.
