happiness

I was watching the film, The Lucky One, starring Zac Efron and there’s an older woman character in the film that says something along the lines of: “Sacrificing your own happiness for your children is ridiculous.” I could not agree more. Many of us are doing this religiously. I don’t. I can’t.

How the hell is everything going to be okay with my child if I am unhappy?

Right now, I am at one of the unhappiest points in my life and it also affects my daughter’s mentality. Sure, I do what all so-called good moms are supposed to do and tell her not to worry and that everything will be fine, but I don’t really know that.

I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that everything will be okay, but I’ve been doing that all her life; and things are just…not alright. I am thankful for what we do have, which is not much, but I need more and I work my ass off to get more, but more never seems to come.

Do I feel entitled? Yep! Patience young Jedi, you say? Yea whatever, my patience is on vacation without me!

Anyway, getting back to the main point; sacrificing your happiness for your children: What does that mean?

That you will stay in a fucked up situation because you’re afraid your kids will suffer if you change or leave the situation? That makes no sense at all. You’re in a fucked up situation; you need to get out of those types of situations whether or not you have kids, or at least try.

You don’t just sit there and marinate in it until you’re ready to be boiled. You work to get out of fucked up situations to make a better life for yourself and your children. A happy parent equals a happy life for everyone. We all deserve happiness, but happiness is a state of mind that is defined differently by everyone.

I’m not happy. I haven’t been for years.

I am working to get to happy (have been most of my life), but this is a cruel voyage. It’s a voyage that breaks the spirit and kills the soul. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even pretend to be okay when people ask. I give a real response because I am feeling shitty and when people don’t like my reaction, they ask, “What do you mean?”, as if they really want to know the long sorted story, or they get all optimistic and preachy and say that I have to look on the bright side.

Where else would I be looking?

Of course I am looking on the bright side and guess what? I’m still not alright! Yea, I have a place to lay my head, air to breathe, and food to eat but that’s not enough! That’s not living. I’m not happy.

Besides, didn’t you ask me how I was doing? See, that’s the thing, asking someone how they are has become robotic. It just pops out when you see someone you know and the typical response is to say that you’re fine! Well, I’m not okay so I’m going to answer in a not okay way. Not in a way to burden or offend you, but I’m going to be honest.

I actually have a love/hate relationship with the responses I get because they do piss me off, but they also garner a different type of response that I’m not used to and now that I am studying Psychology, people’s reactions take on a whole new meaning to me.

Just let me say that some of you need to listen more and not try to offer advice. Someone in my situation needs someone to listen. Someone to understand. Someone to relate. Someone to be real then we can both keep it moving.

I don’t need your sermon.

I have exhausted the bright side of my mentality and that is why I am unhappy.

Duh!

Everyone who reads this that has children or plans to have children DO NOT sacrifice your own happiness for your children. That’s stupid. You deserve to be happy but believe me when you’re unhappy so are your kids because they react to your unhappiness.

Your kids worship you (if you’ve been a caring and loving parent) and they want to see their parents happy because it gives them hope, but never sugarcoat the truth of what the “American Dream” really is.