#BlackGirlsMatter: Stop Choosing Pop Culture Over Black Women and Children

In a time when sociopolitical climates are supposed to be progressive and forward-thinking, it remains stagnant, if not regressive on an express track to a complete disregard for Black women.

The premiere of the six-hour docu-series “Surviving R. Kelly” has been eye-opening in just how little support and protection Black women receive from their own men, and now this cancer is spreading ten-fold, intoxicating the minds of women of color.

Internalized Racism

The vastly widening division between minority women is at a dangerous height of internalized racism. Black and Latina women have been hypersexualized for their natural physiques for centuries.

This is explicitly underscored in various forms throughout history leading up until now:

• Sara Baartman – a South African woman caged and put on display for European men AND women to spectate and marvel at her bodacious curves; and for men to touch/use to their satisfaction in exchange for a fee
• The seemingly sole portrayal of Black female characters as “The Jezebel” in 1970s movies, especially Black exploitation films
• The degradation of video vixens beginning in the 90s era of Rap, but more specifically the difference in which voluptuous Black video vixens are portrayed and interacted with in music videos versus the depiction and interaction with non-Black video vixens (particularly the ones with a physique similar to the natural body type of Black women)
• The acceptance and newfound adoration of the “stripper body” and unconventional style choices that contain an “urban flare” aka CULTURAL APPROPRIATION of Black features and Black fashion as displayed by the Kardashian’s and Jenner’s

Cognitive Dissonance

Perhaps women of color have had their value tied to their physical attributes for so long they are incapable of recognizing this internalization. The subtlety combined with the normalization of these confining societal margins makes it difficult for Black women to realize they subconsciously only strive to live up to the expectations society places on them, while in turn reject those who only live up to that same predetermined standard just because it’s popular opinion – not realizing they’re actually rejecting themselves.

Stop calling these fourteen, fifteen, seventeen, and nineteen year old girls fast. They’re experiencing puberty and hormones. At fourteen years old the only sex education you receive is:

• DO NOT have sex before marriage or college (maybe college if your family is more “progressive”)
• Do not bring babies into the household
• Focus on your studies
• Graphic pictures of infected genitalia are shoved in your face
• “When a man and a woman decide to have sex it is because of the love/intimate bond they share”

With this inadequate explanation of sex, it’s mind-boggling that society would expect girls to be capable of fully protecting themselves from sexual abuse. Instead of retorting “Those are some fast girls, where were the parents” or “Those girls knew what they were doing, they’re just mad their careers never got started”, society needs to teach girls that it’s okay to want to have sex in addition to all of the potential outcomes their relationship may face once that line is crossed (i.e. a strengthened relationship, a friendship instead of remaining romantically involved, or separation).

Most important, we also need to teach girls they do not have to have sex if they are not ready, and the different ways in which pressure may present itself from your significant other. Not, “that’s what happens when you take part in grown folk activity”.

Excusing The Behavior

Stop mentioning R. Kelly’s abuse in response to the experiences shared in the docu-series. You’re telling them “all abuse matters”. Does that sound familiar?

When the Black Lives Matter Movement began, the Black community faced push back and the response that became WAY too prevalent was “ALL lives matter”. Thank God for those people, where would the world be without Captain Freaking-Obvious?! The point was, until all lives truly matter we have to advocate for our protection.

It’s the same with the women and children who survived R. Kelly’s abuse. Glad we can all agree abuse is a terrible thing, however, until we address the ACTUAL problem for these girls which is R. Kelly, we cannot begin to dissect the roots of his issues – one of which is the abuse he endured as a child.

Yes, mental wellness is important. No, no one deserves to be abused. This was not Robert Kelly’s docu-series – this was SPECIFICALLY centered around the women and children who suffered at the hands of a predator, pedophile, and psychopath.

Stop Deflecting

Stop asking the whereabouts of the parents and R. Kelly’s staff while the abuse was taking place. It’s agreed that this should be looked into in effort to understand how the abuse was able to go unnoticed for so long, but not as a means of excusing the behavior.

You’re transferring the blame to those who hold a lower social status because it’s easier to believe they’re capable of inducing suffering onto innocent women and children, than someone who has been idolized and adored for decades. In turn, you’re also contributing to R. Kelly’s God complex – separating Robert Kelly from R. Kelly and putting this “split personality” on a pedestal that can’t be touched.

I’ve decided to share my personal experiences with sexual trauma to show how common it is for young girls to be taken advantage of, and highlight the TYPE OF BEHAVIOR you’re excusing when you rationalize R. Kelly’s abuse.

I first experienced sexual trauma when I was 7 years old, visiting family in New York. What makes this experience sad is that it was at the hands of a 9 year old boy, someone who was also too young to have been displaying that type of behavior.

What You’re Saying Is Okay…

I was playing hide-and-seek with my two boy cousins, who were 8 and 9 years old at the time, and the 9 year old had his friend over. The friend kept insisting that I hide with him, and basically made it seem like it was something I HAD to do.

I knew there was something off about his persistence (even at 7 years old), but of course didn’t understand that I felt uncomfortable because he was pressuring me, which also felt very predatory.

Being a kid, more of my focus was on not getting found. I rushed and hid with my cousin’s friend under the covers on the top bunk bed, where he then forced me to tongue-kiss him and allow him to fondle me. There are parts that can’t come back to me, but I remember having to put my underwear on as well as what those panties looked like, and I remember it vividly.

I am grateful my 8 year old cousin was NOTHING like the men and women on social media judging these little girls for the abuse they endured. I’m thankful that he didn’t ask me, “Why were you hiding with a BOY under the covers in the first place” when I told him what had transpired during that twisted game of hide-and-seek. He supported me and immediately ran downstairs and told EVERY adult in the house.

Was I Being Fast Too?

My second time being sexually taken advantage of occurred when I was 13 years old. At the time, I was dating a 16 year old and thought that sex came with being in a relationship (little did I know he didn’t consider what we had a relationship at all). I didn’t want to give him my virginity, but I did – just to find out a year later he had recorded me performing oral sex (without my permission or knowledge) and shown people in our neighborhood AND building.

Devastation and humiliation are understatements for what I felt. It got to a point where I was too embarrassed to even run errands for my mom, which you know at 13 years old is basically all the time.

Ask The Right Questions

Thank God my mother didn’t question why I was having sex so early, or ask where his parents were while we found the time to have sex in his room.
She number one, asked me if I was okay since I hadn’t been myself lately and insisted that I could talk to her about ANYTHING.

It took me time to find the courage, but I eventually wrote her a letter explaining how that 16 year old asshole had taken advantage of me during a time my guard was 100% down and my trust was 100% invested in him, banking on him doing the right thing. She immediately empathized with me and explained to me that was something she NEVER wanted me to experience, and was so sorry it was something I had to go through.

Black Women & Girls Matter

The intentions and integrity of a woman will be questioned first before the integrity and intentions of a man. 9 and 16 year olds were active players in sexually abusive behavior.

A 20-something year old male posted on his Facebook, “FUCK LIFE TIME u don’t get to tell us what to do with our culture *middle finger emoji*” as well as, “fuc them who are they to sway the minds of someone who gave us soul and vibes fuck them folks”. We have women on social media calling these survivors gold diggers. We have Black men, like Chance The Rapper, who openly admitted in the docu-series that he at first did not believe the outcries of these survivors because they were Black girls and Black women. This is why we need to talk about it.

This is why we need to #MuteRKelly. Let’s give Black girls back the voice that’s been muted for decades.