Are you Spiritual or Religious? By VL on the DL I’ve always considered myself to be a spiritual person, not necessarily religious, but definitely spiritual. I’m the kind of person that’s always investigating religions, trying to figure out what attracts … Continue reading
As promised, I read my second of three Michael Jackson related books that I promised to review. This time around, it was that of longtime friend and assistant, Frank Cascio (aka Frank Tyson, then back to Frank Cascio – the name changes are explained in the book). As reluctant as I had been to read Jermaine’s book, I was even more afraid to attempt this one. After all, Frank was actually “IN” Michael’s life, not just watching from afar as Jermaine was for most of he and Michael’s adult life. Actually, preparing to read a book from someone on the inside actually made me a bit nervous.
As with Jermaine’s book, which I previously reviewed for this site, I had no regrets once I finished the book. In fact, it actually provided something for me that Jermaine’s book had not been able to provide. I’ll explain:
As a child, there are things that I had to endure. I understand fully what it’s like to be the accuser and to not be believed by people you love and trust. Because of this, my instinct has always been to believe the child in any type of abuse situation. I dealt with my issues as a child by using Michael Jackson as an escape into a fantasy world – that later as an adult – I would never let go. When Michael was accused of child molestation, it was as if the best thing in my life at that point had intersected with the worst thing in my life. I was frozen. As a fanatic, who worked vigorously with several MJ fan clubs throughout my life, traveled wherever I could to see him, supported him in any aspect that I could – this was a stab in the heart. However, I never waivered from my PUBLIC support of Michael. Privately, I was struggling to cope. By the time the allegations rolled back around and he was on trial in 2005, my job had done their version of a full out intervention. I had changed. I was in a dark and very sad place. I was afraid for Michael, but even more afraid that what was said was true. Apparently it was written all over my face, to the point that the staff at the elementary school I worked at took notice. I’ll spare you the details of this MJ intervention, but the fact that enough people there were concerned, really touched me. Long story short, I decided to change my prayer. Instead of the same chant I had said every night, “Please let Michael be found innocent’….I decided to change the prayer to, ‘God, do what you think should happen and I’ll accept that.’ When Michael was found not guilty, I took it as a personal sign to me that God was telling me it was okay and that I could love him as I always had…..but that didn’t last long. I continued to celebrate and love Michael – my whole house is practically MJ, anyone will tell you, but those allegations had broken my heart so bad, that I couldn’t let them go. However, I decided I’d never address them with myself again. I was going to keep loving him and leave that issue unresolved. That’s why it’s called unconditional love, right? And I did. I loved him. I ignored what I needed to for my peace of mind.
Now back to the book….as Frank detailed his long friendship with Michael – which began when Frank was five and lasted until the day Michael passed away, I found myself faced with those unspeakable issues again. Here was a grown man detailing the many years he and his brother had slept in Michael’s room. On the surface, I kept thinking that even this relationship seemed inappropriate. But the more I read, the more I got it. Michael had always treated these, and other children, as if they were his own children. In fact, most of the stories Frank shares, you’d think Michael was one of their big brothers – doing pranks, acting silly, sharing inside jokes. For the first time, I felt some inner peace about the allegations. I felt like everything Frank was saying was true. From the outside looking in, yes, it is difficult to not see these friendships as twisted or sexual. But from the inside looking out, which is Frank’s perspective, it appeared to not only be an amazing friendship, but a lifelong lesson for Frank. When traveling Michael would make Frank and his brother keep journals and take pictures, all to record their experiences of various cultures, landscapes, and people. They’d sit and read books Michael had purchased. He was continually expressing the importance of education, telling them if they don’t read, they’ll be “dumb and ignorant” as he so eloquently stated. When Frank began to speak on the first set of allegations, and then the second set of allegations, it was eye opening. After all, these were kids Frank would hang with when they were all with Michael and I was able to understand how and why everything came about. I had knew most of it, but for some reason, it was very different hearing it from the perspective of someone who lived it.
Michael would later hire Frank to work for him, speaking volumes of his dedication and trust to this family. But their friendship had many challenges and many breaking points, particularly when Frank tried to intervene with Michael’s doctors. And the stress of the trial almost damaged their friendship forever – but it didn’t.
I think overall, the book does what Jermaine’s book did – gives you a sense of Michael’s offstage persona. Clearly he loved his wine – and not in an alcoholic way of loving it, clearly he felt he needed his prescription medications, clearly he struggled with trusting those who were hired to represent him, clearly he overreacted at times, clearly he suffered from depression, clearly he loved his children (their conception is discussed, as are Michael’s marriages), clearly he was often paranoid – sometimes rightfully so…..but clearly – he was human! There’s a small mention of smoking pot, so don’t be alarmed. And a couple of ghost stories add to the books sensationalism, but believe me, the worse part of the book is when Michael’s death is discussed. You leave the book feeling like you were on this roller coaster ride of Michael’s life right there with Frank. When the ride ends, you can’t help but feel heartbroken – for everyone that loved him, including Frank. I read the entire book in nine hours, on two separate evenings. I was glad I did. Next up, Latoya Jackson’s book. Help me Lord.
Book reviews are not usually what I use my creative juices to write, but every once in a while, it’s okay to make an exception from the norm. Before I begin, I should tell you that I go by, “The Number One Michael Jackson Fan in the State of Delaware”. Without giving you the details behind the title, just know that it’s true.
Having said that, when I first heard that Jermaine Jackson was writing a book about his brother, I cringed. Like everyone else, I thought, “Is there anyone who loves him enough to not try to capitalize off of him?” Plus I thought the title was ridiculously long (lol): “You Are Not Alone Michael: Through a Brother’s Eyes” – that’s a mouthful! However, I was compelled to purchase it and even more surprising, I actually began reading it.
It ended up being a good decision on my part. The cute childhood stories of 2300 Jackson Street were heartfelt and fun, and often made me chuckle a bit. As the story shifts to the development of the Jackson Five, Jermaine credits the people who truly helped pave the way and clarifies some of the many myths surrounding that time period, including Michael’s claim that they once lived with Diana Ross. He goes on to contradict Michael a few times in the book, but it’s nothing major or unforgivable.
What I enjoyed most is that the book seemed to really show Michael’s true character – a giving soul who put all his energy into his craft and into the art of making the world happy – although he struggled to do the same for himself personally. I also came away from the book wondering if at times Michael purposely blocked Jermaine’s success or purposely excluded him from projects that Jermaine had initiated. But remember, Jermaine wrote the book. That has to be taken into consideration since the other party is not here to defend himself. Despite that, what you clearly see is that regardless of what happened between the two at different parts of their lives, Jermaine was always there for Michael when it mattered most, as were the rest of the Jacksons. When reading, you get a sense of a loving and caring family that understood the importance of sticking together. They didn’t see Michael as often as they liked, and I’m sure he had his personal reasons for that choice, but when they did spend time with him, they speak of his laughter, his silly mannerisms, his practical joking, and his true compassion for the human race.
Being the emotional basket-case that I am, I did find myself bursting into tears at various parts of the book, especially the ending. And I’ll admit, although I’ve never been a conspiracy theory type of gal, the last few weeks of Michael’s life, as chronicled by Jermaine, do make you wonder…..was it all a part of someone’s master plan? But that’s neither here nor there. What the book did for me as someone who truly loves Michael Jackson with all my heart, is remind me of why I love him so much and what has been truly lost. That was worth it to me. Next on the list is “My Friend Michael”, by Frank Cascio, which I will begin reading tonight. Followed by LaToya Jackson’s “Starting Over”. I choose to skip LaToya for now and read Frank’s book first to give myself an emotional break. The family’s point of view can be unbearably heartbreaking at times.
Overall, I think if you love Michael, you’ll love the book. Yes, you will think Jermaine gives himself a little too much “I was there for Michael” credit, but really, it’s an enjoyable, sometimes heartbreaking story.
As the holiday approaches, we are often overwhelmed with the sound of holiday tunes. Every station, all the time, for a month. For many, this is a joy. But if you’re like me, you prefer to go a month listening to your itunes in the car just to avoid the whole jingle bell ball. However, I do enjoy a fresh crisp new sound – especially one with a purpose. I stumbled upon this new talent, Safiya, by accident. Her look was what first caught my attention. I had been viewing her natural hair tips on her You Tube channel. I haven’t made the decision to go natural yet, but that’s neither here nor there.
I then realized she had a separate You Tube channel – one to showcase her singing, so I figured I’d check her out. When I saw her cover version of Beyonce’s “Love on Top”, I was sold. That’s a VERY hard song to do. So despite my thoughts on Christmas music, having peeked at her cover songs, I was compelled to listen. Her first single, “WISHING YOU HOME”, which is now being sold on itunes, is a different kind of Christmas song. The video, which can be seen on her website – www.fiyasings.com, pulls at the heartstrings.
Picture the scene – a young girl, her small apartment decorated for the holidays, but she’s far away from the one she loves, as he is overseas serving his country. Everyone can relate to the scene. The fact that a portion of the proceeds is going to Operation Homefront, is even better. So my thoughts are this….if you’re going to buy some Christmas music anyway, why not support a young upcoming artist while supporting our country’s troops at the same time. Check her out at her links listed above.
To purchase her itunes single, visit:
Enjoy the holiday this week!
-VL on the DL
Remember once upon a time, if someone asked you out on a date, it consisted of dinner and a movie? Or maybe even a sporting event or a concert? The date would end with a simple peck on the lips and a smile, sometimes followed by a sweet phone call later in the evening. You may have even been lucky enough to receive flowers.
Those were the good ole’ days I suppose. I don’t know what’s going on now. You go out with someone one time and they expect to go back to your place and get it on – and they have the nerve to be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. Or they want it BEFORE you even go out. Everyone is in such a hurry. There’s no real courting, no “getting to know one another”. And the better the date, the more pressure you feel to have sex with that person when the date ends. Why? What happened?
It seems that overall; the world has given up on romance. There’s very little romance in television and movies, and almost none in music. Your typical romantic comedy often has the main characters in bed by the first date, if they managed to wait that long. And your typical romantic song is more about the step by step instructions of what someone is planning to do to you in the bedroom , not any of the sweet things that led up to that moment.
I think for the most part, romance resides in our heads, especially in the heads of women. The whole concept of a man showing up at our door step, flowers in hand, with a beautifully planned evening designed especially for us, seems more like a fairytale than something we should actually be waiting for. This isn’t a pessimistic view, just a realistic one.
So how can it be fixed? We can make all the requests that we want: Please take me out, let’s do something together, let’s try something new; but at some point we have to accept that the person we want just may not be interested in that. Maybe it’s time to move on.
We live in a liberated world. People know what they want. If you don’t want to give it to them, they move on to the next one. All of us hopeless romantics need to do the same. We don’t have to give up on our fantasy and conform to this no-dating sex only society. We need to just keep moving on to the next person if we aren’t getting what we desire. There really are still people out there like us. Maybe in the future we all need to move to Fantasy Island, but for now, we are still here. We are just having a really hard time running into one another. There are still women who want to walk through the park holding hands or bury their face in their date’s arms during a scary movie. And there are still men who want to open the door for their lady and want to meet her parents. All those sweet things of the past.
Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, so VL on the DL is bringing romance back. Who’s with me?
VL on the DL
One of the hardest things to deal with sometimes is the pressure that we put on ourselves. We can often brush off other people’s criticisms, but when we fail to meet a personal goal, it can knock us straight into depression.
Even though we all know that it’s not productive or even healthy to compare our lives to others, we can’t always prevent ourselves from doing it. You may look around at your friends and others in your age range and envy the fact that they have college degrees, higher paying jobs, a beautiful home, a new car, even a great spouse and family. You begin to focus on the fact that you all attended the same schools, maybe even the same college, and the same opportunities presented themselves to you. But for whatever reason, you decided to focus your energy on other things or things just didn’t work out the same way for you.
Sometimes we fall into a funk and can’t stop thinking of what our lives could have been if we made a different decision – just one single decision. In most cases it really is only one decision that changed the course of our lives. Did you make the choice to have a child at a young age? Come out to your family about your sexuality? Get married young? Drop out of high school or college? Fall in love? Join the military? I’m not saying these decisions are negative ones, but they are some of the more common ones that change the paths of our lives.
So what can we do to fix it? We have to accept that whatever we decided to do in the past, we had our reasons for doing so. That decision is done. Now it’s time to look to the future and make whatever life you had planned for yourself, start to take form. If it was school related, start off small. Fill out your financial aid information online. That’s a step. Get some applications to local community colleges and universities. That’s another step. It doesn’t matter how fast or slow the pace, as long as you are still heading in the right direction. We make the mistake of believing that the older we get, the less likely it is that our dreams will come true. Says who? It doesn’t have to be that way. Of course we have to make our goals ones that can actually be achieved. You can’t set out to be America’s Next Top Model or the next American Idol if you already know that you’re out of the required age range. But there are other venues out there for you, if you are willing to look!
I’m sure more than half of Americans are not doing what they thought they would be doing at this age. It’s life. It’s the way it is. But it’s never too late to go back and learn that trade you wanted to learn, or earn that degree, or open that business. You just have to accept that these things will not come quickly. All the work you avoided when you were younger will still have to be done to make these things happen. There’s no easy route. Step out on faith and step out of the box.
Make your “to-do” list and check off each and every small step as you accomplish it. If you need some motivation, read or watch “The Secret” or pick up a religious book to feed your soul. Just know that you’re not the only one who feels this way. If you made everyone at your class reunion drink a truth potion, you’d find out that you’re not the only unhappy one in the bunch. You’re not the only one with unfulfilled hopes and dreams. You’re not the only one who feels that they are in a dead-end job, or lonely, or sick, or frustrated. So stop comparing yourself to them and stop criticizing yourself for past decisions. There are more than enough critics for you in the world. You need to be your biggest cheerleader. You need to be your biggest fan! Find your motivation!
VL on the DL
- Surviving the College Search: The Adventure Begins (education.com)
- Selecting a College: A Checklist Approach (education.com)
When you think of fear, different things come to mind for each of us. For me, it’s severe thunderstorms and snakes – pretty common stuff. But I also have a bizarre phobia of birds, butterflies, and moths. I just don’t do things that flutter! Not sure why. I’ve just always been that way. For the most part, our fears do nothing more than raise our anxiety level temporarily. Afterwards, all is calm and we move on.
But sometimes, the fear is not that easy to move away from. Sometimes fear hits you so hard and so deep, that it stays with you forever. For many of us, this is the case when it comes to the events that happened on 9/11/2001.
For years, we’ve witnessed violence and terrorism spread across the television screen, newspapers, and internet. These events were often in a distant land, far away from the everyday easy breezy-ness of our lives. It was something we’d become so accustomed to seeing that we’d flip right pass it if it were the headlining story on the news. But on September 11, 2001, we became that headline. Something that none of us ever dreamed of witnessing in our lifetime, HAPPENED. It was the day that many were convinced was the end of the world. How could this have happened HERE? How could we have lost so many lives? What could we have done? We were filled with emotions – hurt, shock, fear, anger, vengeance, sorrow, despair, helplessness, confusion, and for our heroes, BRAVERY.
You didn’t have to know someone to be effected. It was in the air and you just felt it, deep inside. It’s something that’s still felt as each 9/11 anniversary approaches and then passes. As we remember these tragic events on this 10th Anniversary, some can’t help but feel anxious. After all, the 10th Anniversary is a major landmark. While we have faith in our men and women who have taken on the task of keeping us safe, we still have that silent prayer constantly replaying itself in the back of our heads begging and pleading with God, or whomever you worship, to please keep us safe from harm this weekend and the many days to come.
I ask you to take a moment to reflect on this anniversary and how our nation was changed. Reflect on how you were changed. Take a moment to remember the pilots, stewardesses, and people on the planes. Remember the people in the towers and on the ground. Remember the families and friends who still hurt and miss their loved ones. Remember the firefighters, medics, police, volunteers, and everyday citizens who put their lives on the line on that horrible day. Remember the news reporters, camera men, and photographers, who kept us informed. Remember those who have never been recovered, whose families have no cemetery to visit. But most important, remember how close we were afterwards. The days and months after 9/11, we were just AMERICANS. It didn’t matter what our skin tone was. We were hurting and we were there for each other. Do not let those that lost their lives go in vain. Be different – if not for yourself, do it for them. Don’t stand still in the same hateful state of mind. We’re in this together. You need me and I need you – race, sexual orientation, religious and political differences, class – you can’t keep letting these things define the way you treat each other. Stop hurting one another. Stop killing one another, we’ve already lost enough lives. Let’s make CHANGE be the legacy that 9/11 leaves behind – not hate, not sorrow, not pain, and not fear. CHANGE. Change for the better. Be different. For all those lives we lost, I plead with you……BE DIFFERENT!
-VL on the DL
Sometimes when a relationship goes sour, we tend to take an emotional hiatus. We try to “get ourselves together” before jumping into the next situation. Often, these periods can be extremely long and drawn out, depending on how deep our love is/was. Obviously, some things take longer than others to get over.
It’s during these periods that we sometimes begin practicing celibacy. Quite honestly, we should just address it for what it is- abstinence- since there’s often no religious reason behind our decision. But I won’t get picky. It’s when we get to the point when we decide we’re not “giving it away” anymore. That without a strong supportive mate and substantial relationship, our bodies are off limits. We are open to dating, but not to the whole “friends with benefits” scenario. We are locking the vault.
But are we really practicing celibacy? Or are circumstances playing a bigger role than we’d like to admit. It could be that we just haven’t met anyone new with whom we’ve had that type of physical attraction. Combine that with the fact that you absolutely refuse to give in to your ex and then BAM just like that, you’re celibate. Of course there are those that are sincerely making a conscious choice to practice abstinence or celibacy. Some are waiting for marriage, some are sacrificing physical pleasure in hopes of receiving an answer to their prayers, some are just plain ole’ terrified of diseases. The reasons are too numerous and too personal to try to list, but for others, it just kinda happens. This isn’t to say that you’re not capable of finding someone to meet your needs. You just refuse, and the longer you go without it, the easier it is to keep going without it. Sometimes it even turns into a personal accomplishment. You find yourself congratulating yourself for going another year without sex. You may even set goals, “Maybe I can make it to the five year mark!”
That’s all fine and dandy. But what happens when Mr. or Mrs. Goodbar walks past and gives you that seductive look that you can’t resist. You don’t think that they have the best personality, they aren’t the brightest crayon in the box, and they don’t have a whole lot going for them, but man, are they sexy! Sexy enough to…wait, now. There’s nothing substantial about this. If you do this, it’ll be JUST SEX. All your hard work of holding out will be over in one quick night. Is this worth it to you? Sometimes we change our tune right away. “It’s not that I was celibate, I was just waiting for something I really wanted, and I really want him/her.” That’s what you say now, LOL.
I’m not knocking the practice at all. I’m just encouraging people to be honest with themselves. Whether you hold out as long as you can, or don’t hold out at all, really doesn’t matter to anyone but you. Just know the difference so you won’t disappoint yourself. Make your own rules clear and stick to them. “I won’t have sex with anyone unless……”, you fill in the blank as you see fit. If you’re just holding out until you see something you like, that’s okay. It’s good to be selective, especially when it involves intimacy. The pickier the better when it comes to your body.
Some folks don’t even attempt to go without it. It’s on and popping whenever, however, and with whomever. I’m clearly not speaking to those individuals. As long as you are protecting yourself, I have no issue with your sexual freedom. We are all adults and we all have to deal with our sexual choices. The consequences are not just babies and diseases. The emotional scars that are sometimes left behind by sexual intercourse can leave long term damage. Be wise in your choices. Be as picky (or as celibate) as you need to be!
VL on the DL
“I’m not lonely. If I wanted to be with someone, I would be with someone. Besides, I have plenty of “friends with benefits”. Not to mention the number of folks trying to talk game to me on a day-to-day basis. I love my life. I do me and I don’t have to answer to nobody. I love being single.”
It’s hard for someone to admit to loneliness. It can make you feel weak, unwanted, out of the loop, undesired, embarrassed or even ashamed. Just putting that two word sentence together is heartbreaking and so hard to say. It makes you feel so bad, so low. “I’m lonely”. Those are some tough words.
Isn’t it just easier to say, “I’m too busy right now” or “I’m just focusing on me and mine and trying to make this paper.”
That all sounds good, but do you find yourself secretly rolling your eyes at the happy couple walking down the street kissing and giggling? Do you wish you had someone sending you sweet text messages and words of encouragement throughout the day? Are you envious of the people around you who have someone anticipating their arrival when they get home?
We don’t like to envy the lives of others around us. It can make us feel inferior. But there are times when we just can’t help it. We could be out to dinner with a group of friends having a wonderful time laughing and sharing stories, then out of the corner of our eye, we catch a glimpse of a couple sitting on the same side of the booth, so close that even the menu couldn’t slide between them. They’re doing the same thing we are – laughing and sharing stories, but it’s more intimate, more fulfilling. That image stays with us and in some way secretly changes our mood for the rest of the night. We hate to admit it, but we want that.
For some people, the loneliness becomes significant after a break-up. It can take a long time to move between lovers. You can love someone for months, even years, after the relationship has fizzled and you may not be able to move into the next affair until you’ve completely addressed and dealt with those emotions, but in that time, an overwhelming sense of loneliness tends to kick in. You can’t have the one that you want because that person won’t return the love. Their agenda was much different from yours. Perhaps you were just a physical attraction to them, a play thing, another notch on the belt, but to you, it was so much more. Trying to move past that love is almost a forced action. But the longer you dwell on it, the lonelier you’ll be and you’ll be lonelier, longer. Other people have just never opened themselves up to finding real love out of fear of being hurt. Or they have, but refuse to open themselves up AGAIN for the same reason.
Relationships always start off so positive with so much potential. People appear to be who you want them to be and they pull you in, sometimes very quickly. But how quickly things change. They almost become a stranger to you. You gradually begin to see not only who they are, but what you are to them. The sincerity, the romance, the laughter, even the intimacy, was all fake. It was their usual Oscar winning performance. You just didn’t know they were in the running. They speak to you in ways you never thought they would. They disrespect you. They break your heart. And because it’s so hard to find love, it’s such a heartbreaking disappointment when you find out that you still haven’t really found it. It can make you close your heart for a very long time.
Sexual confusion or the denial of one’s real sexual orientation is another common cause of loneliness. We still live in a world where people are sometimes forced to be ashamed of who they are. I wish I could snap my fingers and everyone could wake up tomorrow comfortable in the skin they’re in without judgment or fear. It’s hard enough for straight people to meet and mingle. Straight folks don’t have to worry about the kind of rejection and possible violence that comes along with making a pass at someone. After all, straight people are generally openly straight. If you’re gay and you attempt to come on to someone that you THOUGHT was gay, and they’re not, just think about the ramifications of that for a second……exactly!
Whatever our reasons for being lonely, we have to understand that it’s quite common. You’re not the only one. Now, I don’t expect everyone reading this to run out on the street and scream out, “I’m lonely and I’m proud!” Believe me, the last thing you want is your friends and family feeling sorry for you and trying to fix you up!! You don’t want their sympathy, but it is okay to feel lonely sometimes. It’s a natural human emotion. It happens to the best of us. There are people in marriages that are lonely. Imagine what that loneliness must feel like. To have found the love of your life, fall head over heels, marry them, and still feel the emptiness and void that so many of us single people feel. But it happens. It’s real. People get lonely. We have to address our emotions and find positive ways of dealing with them. We have to take a step forward in order to create new relationships. But if you are truly content with not having a significant other, but still feel very lonely, you’ll have to find other ways to fill the void. No one can make suggestions to you on how to do that. You’ll have to come upon it on your own and find what makes YOU happy. For me, it’s writing.
VL on the DL
It’s just something about her. You can’t wait to see her each day. You come up with any excuse to have meaningless chit chat with her. You catch yourself taking a peek at her body, sometimes from head to toe. She crosses your mind far too often throughout the day. You wonder what it would be like to kiss her lips, hold her in your arms, and to do whatever comes naturally. If only one of you would break the ice, cross the line, even make an awkward joke. But no one will. You’re both afraid to. After all, you are both straight women.
Many straight women find themselves in this position. They’ve dated men all their lives. They have intentions of one day settling down and raising a family with a MAN. But every once in a while, a female catches their eye and they think, “MAYBE”.
There have been many women who have had intimate or sexual experiences with other women. They do not, however, identify themselves as lesbian or bisexual. They look at the experience as an opportunity that they took advantage of. For some, it may have been more than just curiosity or a one night stand. It may have actually escalated to a dating relationship, but they still won’t stamp GAY across their foreheads. It was what it was. End of story.
But what about the women who are longing for this experience? Is this you? You have this strong interest in a woman, but she has no history (to your knowledge) of being involved with other women. You want so badly to say something to her. If you approach her the wrong way, the consequences could be devastating. What if she is disgusted by the very idea of homosexuality? What if she has strong religious views about it? What if she is so uncomfortable by your advances that you lose her as a friend? Or in the most extreme cases, what if she reports you for sexual harassment or slaps the hell out of you? The unknown can be very scary, especially when sexuality is involved. So what do you do? There’s no error proof way to figure it out, but here are some pointers to at least get you started.
Pointers For The Straight Woman Trying To Get The Straight Woman:
- Evaluate the situation. Try to figure out what you are actually attracted to about this woman. Is it mainly superficial (you like her body, her style, etc.,) or is it deeper (you wanna get to know her, spend time with her, date)? If it’s only a superficial attraction, be sure that it’s worth risking the friendship. Once you attempt to make a move, if you get rejected, your friendship as you know it could be over. Move slowly.
- Feel the vibe. The REAL vibe. Sometimes when we are crushing on someone, we have a tendency to read too much into things. If someone knows you love Pepsi, and they leave a can of Pepsi on your desk one day, it could just be a friendly gesture. It doesn’t mean that they were out shopping and thought, “Hmmm, what can I get her to let her know that I really like her and that I’m thinking about her?” It may not be that serious. Just make sure that the signs that you think you’re seeing are really there. Don’t interpret everything to make it fit into your desires. It is possible that she may NOT feel the same way. Think of what she says and how she says it, then ask yourself, could this be said to anyone else or is it really personally directed at me. Listen when she speaks.
- Conversation – TAKE IT THERE! At some point you’re gonna have to get a feel for her thoughts on being with another woman. Make a joke, refer to a movie scene or a TV show (The L Word would be good!), just to open up the dialogue about same sex relationships. Don’t be afraid to put the topic at the forefront of the conversation. It doesn’t have to involve you and your personal thoughts. Just talk about the topic and decide if the game is on or if the game is over.
- Make sure you really want her….REALLY! Suppose everything goes well and your woman of interest takes the bait. Now what? Are you actually ready and willing to go all the way with her? I don’t mean stopping at a few kisses. She may be more into this than you are. What are your limits? Don’t get her all hyped up for something that you are not prepared to go through with. It’s one thing to think about it, it’s another thing to be about it.
- Take advantage of the night time. There’s something about late night phone calls that sometime allow people to leave their inhibitions at the door. You’re not face to face, you’re relaxed, probably laying across the bed or couch, the light may be off. What people say in the dark differs from the day time convo. Use that to your advantage!
- Skip all the above steps and just be a bold sistah! How confident are you that she is as interested as you are? Or maybe you’re not confident, but you’re not one for games and trying to figure people out. Then go for it! Just ask. “How do you feel about same sex relationships?”; “Have you ever had an experience with another woman?” ; “Are you interested in having a relationship with another woman?”; “Can I come by tonight?” LOL, Okay maybe the last one is a bit too bold, but hey, if boldness is in your personality, then do you!
- Play the waiting game. You can always wait it out and see if the opportunity naturally presents itself. The downside to waiting is that if no one ever mentions it, chances are, both parties will be too afraid to ever make a move. This could end up being a much longer wait than you anticipate, but it can happen.
One thing you have to keep in mind is the reality of changing your relationship. It could change if you end up being intimate and it could change if you approach her and get rejected. Either way, it’s a chance. Weigh your options before making any moves and consider what you have to lose – compare it to what you think you will gain. Hopefully the gain will be more than a night’s worth of pleasure. Be careful, don’t be pushy, and pay attention to body language. Is she really pulling you in and giving you the green light or are the red lights blaring in your face?
I wish you luck on your quest for the kitty. Be prepared for all reactions and outcomes, and most important, if you are successful, BE SAFE! Your health is your priority!
Now relax, take a deep breath, and go for it!
- VL on the DL
We are often fascinated with what we cannot have, especially the people we cannot have. At some point we’ve all longed for the unreachable – that unavailable love. Whether they are unavailable because of marriage, distance, age, celebrity status, etc., the heart still yearns and wants what it wants.
Perhaps one of the most fascinating cases of unattainable love is that of the straight woman towards the gay male. I’m not talking about women who have a close knit relationship with gay males and see them as confidants, best buds, or big brothers. I’m talking about straight women who fall head over heels in love with gay men and are dead set on dragging them down the aisle.
It’s not hard to understand the appeal. More times than not, the gay male is extremely good looking, takes excellent care of his body, has a fun outgoing personality, and actually listens when a woman speaks or needs to pour her heart out. These qualities sometime turn the straight woman from good friend to prowess – ready to battle his sexuality until victory is hers. The quest for the unattainable begins.
Truth be told, there’s no real harm in falling for or crushing on a gay man, or anyone else you can’t have. It’s good to fantasize – it keeps the brain active! The problem occurs when you allow your love and fascination for the unattainable to interfere with the realistic opportunities that are all around you. Saving yourself for a gay man because you feel in your hear t that you’re the woman that’s gonna make him go straight is an unrealistic life plan. In fact, you’re setting yourself up for a long, lonely, unfulfilled life. It’s not impossible. Yes, it’s happened. Gay men have indeed fallen in love with women. But it’s a rare occurrence and your dreams shouldn’t be built upon rarities.
What’s the saying? All the good men are either gay or married. Well, that may seem like the case, but it doesn’t mean you should stop looking. Besides, if you come across to desperate or too strong towards the gay male of your dreams, you could end up making him extremely uncomfortable and push him away. Isn’t having some type of relationship with him better than not having any part of him at all?
Knowing the difference between reality and fantasy is the key. Go ahead and chase the gay man all you want – flirt, bend over, show your cleavage, bat your eyes, do all your secret tricks, but just know that it ends there. Don’t waste too much time trying to seduce Mr. Not Interested because Mr. Very Interested may pass you by.
- VL on the DL
- The Allure of the Gay Male (dangerouslee.biz)