Let’s talk about love. I have said before and will say again that it is not love but compatibility and companionship that make a relationship work. You might love someone and yet need to stay well away from that person because s/he is abusive; but if you share many common interests with someone and s/he treats you well, then you grow to love that person because you gradually come to trust her/him the more you enjoy being together. Nevertheless, it is an extraordinary experience being in love with someone. It is truly a state of grace, when you look at a person and see only the epitome of beauty; when you look into someone’s eyes and it’s like falling forever; when you feel such intense delight at being with someone that you think you would happily die; when the lightest touch of skin on skin can make you orgasm; when you can’t think of anything or anyone else but that person. Why does that happen with some people and not others? I don’t really subscribe to the concept of chemistry since I see the body and the mind as a constant feedback loop. I think that sometimes we are just ready to go that deep, and when another person comes along who is also willing to go that deep, a connection is made. It also must be to do with the fact that our personal energies are in synchronicity—the vibe is right. You aren’t going to fall in love with someone who vibrates at a frequency that jars with yours.
Why doesn’t it last forever? Well, nothing lasts forever. We get on with our lives, and that is sometimes about going in different directions. The longevity of a relationship often has nothing to do with its quality, however much our culture might insist otherwise.
Most attraction is based not on falling in love as much as perceiving the possibility of a relationship that will give you what you want. That might be anything from a good-looking partner with lots of money and social credibility to someone who plays great music and is a good lover. But let’s not get too cynical: the vibration thing is very real. Our bodies are matrices of energy and all energy is vibrating at a particular frequency. When you meet someone who stirs something inside you, however slightly, you want that frequency to complement yours. It’s like music—certain kinds of music sound absolutely right and you want to listen to them again and again. You could see that person who stirs something inside you as having some quality that you want to integrate into your life, and that could be defined as what makes them attractive, even though you might not be aware of what it is.
Attraction doesn’t really relate to love except insofar as love relates to everything. Love is about being fully alive. It’s all around us. It’s the stuff of everything. It’s life force. We can cultivate a sense of love by watching and listening and partaking in all the life that is going on around us all the time. Appreciate and admire whatever you see or feel that pleases you. It might be a flower, a child playing, a cloud, a person, a car, a fast checkout at the grocery store, an animal, good weather—the possibilities are infinite. It’s best if you verbalize your pleasure aloud, but if you don’t want to do it aloud, then at least think it clearly to yourself, and allow yourself to smile. In other words, feel it in your body. That is about allowing life-force to move through you, it’s about being fully present. When you start doing this, you will meet others who do the same thing, and gradually you will learn to share this with each other. There is no finer thing than the physical intimacy that arises from sharing love with another person. It is much more than what this culture defines as sex, much more than intercourse. When you really make love, you are literally making love, you are operating from a place of simply wanting to give this person love, illustrate your love. You don’t need to bother about what society says you need to do in order to “perform” correctly. You only need to listen to your partner in the same way that you would listen to a piece of music, and then allow your own body to dance in response.
Whether this will develop into what we call a committed Relationship (as oppsoed to relating with a small “r” which we do with everyone and everything all the time) depends, of course, on how compatible you are. If not, that doesn’t mean that the sex hasn’t been a profound expression of love. Many people get stuck on repeating the experience of intensity that comes with particular lovers over and over even if the Relationship isn’t pleasant. Know that any experience of love comes from inside you. It’s not dependent on the presence of a particular external source. Yes, sometimes it seems like there is only that one special person who does it for you, and I don’t mean to belittle the pain that comes from letting go of that. But truthfully, when we really let go of what isn’t working, it makes space for something else which may be different yet also profoundly fulfilling and delightful.
Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. Her latest book is The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women (see mikayaheart.org).
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