Being a computer repair guy comes with its perks: I always feel a sense of accomplishment, I get to help people in need, and I’m able to see what kind of person I’m dealing with simply by doing my job.
Computer owners literally put their lives on their machines, so all of the music, bookmarked websites, pictures and videos can easily tell me all about a person.
As a computer repair guy, I feel like I have the right to go through your folders and your downloaded programs, as well as your browsing history and bookmarks. All in the name of diagnosing your computer.
So Mr. Chap, what do you do with what you find?
That’s where integrity comes in. As a computer repair guy, I find credit card numbers, passwords, bank account information, porn, and all types of pictures. Long as there are no pictures of naked children, I’m okay. Speaking of pictures and children, let me tell you what I found a few years ago on a computer I fixed for my little Cousin, a Cousin who doesn’t subscribe to the Dangerous Lee News and Entertainment Network.
She came to me because she knew she’d gotten a virus from something she downloaded. I went through the usual Windows Explorer folders – Documents, Downloads, Videos and Pictures. When I got to Pictures, I saw all these naked bathroom pics of a young woman who was built like a baby chicken. There were these frontal neck-to-ankle shots where the person had nothing on but a feather boa, and the rest of the pics looked like somebody had attached a camera to her behind. I mean, these pictures were so close, they looked like pictures to be used for medical research. Like a doctor took these pictures or something. You know those vagina pics they show to students? Like that.
Anyway, I get to the next set of pictures which were head shots of my Cousin wearing the same feather boa I saw in the neck-to-ankle pics. What’s more noteworthy than finding out that I’ve been looking at my barely legal cousin in naked bathroom pics with a camera shoved up her vag, is the fact that she was trying to kiss her boob in one of them.
Depth perception is the ability to perceive the relative distance of objects in one’s field of vision. If you can’t tell that it is physically impossible for your mouth and boob to connect…only to find out while taking a picture that makes you look severely disabled, then you might have low depth perception. I went ahead and fixed her computer, but I couldn’t stop laughing. I never told her what I saw, and I didn’t even charge her. The laugh was payment enough.
The next time you need a cheap laugh, make your chin touch your neck, cock your head to the right and stick your tongue all the way out. Now cup your hand underneath your chest and hold it there. Don’t move. With your head still down and to the right, and your tongue still hanging out of your mouth, raise your eyes to look at the mirror. If you don’t laugh, something is wrong with you.
Anyway, just remember this: please get rid of the naked pics of yourself if you’re going to have your machine serviced. Lucky for my baby-chicken of a Cousin it was just me. Next time it could be a creepy stranger with bad intentions.