Call it Paranoia, or Call it Practicality Bowing to Reality, But Madonna Has a New Backstage Regimen…

The Paranoia

The scene: a dressing room. A brief scan reveals a host of workers busily cleaning, however, not just cleaning. It’s obvious from the thoroughness employed that the intent of the crew is not to banish lingering dust, but instead to destroy every trace of the room’s most recent occupant. Stumbling on such a scene one might reasonably deduce oneself to have inadvertently discovered a CSI scene, just like one from the hit T.V. series. However, the deduction would be wrong, as the scene is one most recently played out in Madonna’s dressing room, in every dressing room she has used, in fact, during her MDNA tour. Why employ the souped up cleaning committee after every show? Fans surmise it’s to ensure not one iota of lingering DNA remains.

The Reality

It’s 2012 and the iconic figure of the screaming girl-fan weeping as she clutches to her breast an article of sweat-soaked clothing tossed to her casually from center stage by her favorite rock star has been done one better. Of course, one has to ask; “what could top a scarf freshly bedewed with the brow perspiration of Mick Jagger or Elvis Presley?” Well, how about a necklace incorporating their DNA? By now, reality fans and star-trackers have noted, gawked at, and rushed online to celibritygene.com, eager to emulate Mary Zilba, a housewife in ‘The Real Housewives of Vancouver’ reality show, in her purchase of her own ultimate, up-to-the-minute fan item, a necklace said to include DNA copied from actual Justin Bieber DNA.

Celebritygene.com, which purports to sell necklaces incorporating DNA copied from the actual DNA of a variety of celebrities, offers patrons jewelry said to incorporate DNA copied from Beiber, Elvis Presley and even Al Capone. While Celebritygene.com stresses their DNA is sourced legitimately with proper authentication available for every claim, it’s apparent to fans that the Material Girl is taking no chances. Whether the star Brits call Madge is merely alarmed at the thought of anyone profiting from her assets (however microscopic,) or fearing something altogether creepier (can anyone say clone?) fans can only speculate. However, Madonna has taken steps.

The Regimen

Straight from Madonna’s lips, according to The Winnipeg Free Press, comes the news that only bonafide members of the MDNA tour are to be allowed backstage. This ensures rogue infiltrators intent on acquiring a literal piece of the Material Girl are kept out. However, Madonna’s hyper-vigilance regarding the privacy of her DNA even extends to excluding those entrusted with marketing the MDNA tour abroad. In fact, Alvaro Ramos, Portuguese promoter, asserts “ We can’t even look in the dressing room,” he says, “even after it’s ready, or to just open up the door.” Ramos explained too that her (Madonna’s) team “builds everything for her, even fake ceilings and fake walls, this way they can ensure that no there isn’t a camera somewhere.” One wonders, however, if Madonna’s team might care to put one in just for the pop-star. Presumably then, that rogue infiltrator, the who can’t get in, even should he defy the odds, will be shortly identified by videotape. His nefarious attempt will made known to the world. Then Madonna’s lipstick blot can be graciously and expeditiously returned to her.

It should make a great CSI episode.

Image Credit:  Some rights reserved by david_shankbone

About the author: John Frakes is a writer for the genetic DNA testing company GTLDNA.