When a powerful orgasm surges through our bodies, it reaches into all those dark corners where we may be hiding difficult emotions. As we grow up we are taught that part of being adult is controlling our show of feelings, and we learn to suppress any that are considered inappropriate. But feelngs always want to flow, and although we may manage to hide them, even from ourselves, for many years, we will always be using some energy to prevent them from emerging into the light of day. In order to have an orgasm, we have to allow the body to take charge, and the body isn’t interested in keeping those emotions hidden. When the energy of orgasm releases, it floods through us and can easily carry those old stored emotions out into the open, and then we may find ourselves feeling things that seem quite irrelevant to the moment. For instance, women who have in the past been molested or forced to have sex against their will may experience intense anger at the moment of orgasm even when they are having a very loving exchange. (This can happen even to women who don’t remember any sexual abuse, since we inherit memories and fears from our culture and our families.) It is very likely that those feelings will arise when we are with a partner whom we really love and trust, because it may well be that we originally suppressed them at a time when expressing them would have been dangerous. The subconscious self is very smart–it won’t be prepared to let go of them until it’s safe to do so: when we are with someone who really loves us.
Recognizing and giving voice to those old feelings is a necessary process of healing. First of all, it frees up the energy that we have been using to hold them down. Secondly, those kinds of feelings are literally toxic, and can cause all kinds of deepseated dis-ease which may manifest physically, mentally, or emotionally. We are much more likely to be healthy individuals when we get rid of them. Thirdly, when we are freed from any residue of old feelings, the feelings that do come up for us are always related to the present moment and, since they never lie, they can give us a great deal of useful information which the rational brain might not be able to access.
Loss of sexual desire in longtern relationships is often due to the need to keep hidden feelings under control. Sometimes this is resentment that has arisen within the relationship, and sometimes it is older than that. Once we become comfortable and at ease with our partner, the part of our psyche that wants to release the hidden stuff starts rearing its ugly head; and since sexual desire brings it up, we cannot afford to continue being sexual with that person unless we address the feelings. Of course, this occurs on a level that isn’t accessed by the normal rational thought process, and it can be made much more difficult when we try to use the rational brain to justify what we are feeling. I wrote a blog on feelings about a month ago, which will be very useful to anyone going through this kind of thing.
Sometimes the feelings that come up apparently have nothing to do with sex. It may be very difficult to talk to your partner about them, especially when they are very intense. But if you want to maintain intimacy with your partner, you must be able to talk about what is going on for you. Know that you are not alone. This is a fairly common phenomenon amongst women, and although it can be a difficult process to go through, being on the other side of it is very empowering. If you suspect your partner may be having feelings that she isn’t talking about, encourage her to do so by letting her know that you are sympathetic. And in spite of the fact that I have used the female pronoun here, it is certainly possible for men to have the same problem.