Sex and Relationships with Mikaya Heart: Feelings

In my last blog, I mentioned some basics around feelings, what they are, and how they affect us. I’m very fond of saying that the rational brain is limited in its value, and when it comes to feelings, that is particularly true, because feelings have nothing to do with the rational brain.

The place where difficult feelings first arose is often our childhood, when we were forced to try to ignore them in the process of trying to be adult. Denying feelings requires tremendous energy in the long run (and many people deny them for many years). Holding our bodies tightly so that the feelings won’t flow is a major source of stress, and trying to block the flow is never one hundred percent effective, so unexpressed feelings leak out in unpleasant ways, which usually makes a person unpleasant to be around. The extraordinary thing is that even the most difficult feelings will transform, often very quickly, when they are expressed – allowed to flow, that is—and the sense of freedom that suffuses us when we do that is awesome. Learning to express emotions as they arise, without dumping them on others, is my definition of what being adult really is about. It is an art, and not necessarily an easy one to learn. Yet the importance of allowing one’s body to express itself (and feelings are integral with the body), of being demonstrative without being violent, cannot be underestimated.

When the need to withhold feelings is strong enough, it will prevent us having fulfilling and rewarding sex, because a part of us wants to stop the orgasm that would otherwise open the floodgates to feelings, as a powerful orgasm will do. In the long run that usually results in lack of sexual desire, and I’ll say more about that in another post, because it can be very valuable to address that. Allowing feelings to flow through us freely, a process that sex can facilitate, has enormous repercussions: it is a huge step in the direction of leading a fulfilling and rewarding life. It’s not that sex in itself is the answer to life’s problems (although research has shown that good sex can alleviate a great deal of pain and illness), it’s more that it clears away blocks to what is possible. It opens doors to an absolutely different perspective, one that is free from worries and concerns, one where we are simply and fully who we are, and that is all that is necessary. What would happen if we lived from that perspective on a daily basis? The majority of the things that take up our brain space would simply fall away, as we grasped the reality that how we feel is much more important than getting things done. We would see with very different eyes and hear with very different ears. We would marvel at the taste and texture of a piece of bread and butter. We would spend a lot of time appreciating the beauty around us, and our judgments of what is beautiful would change radically, as we interpreted our reality from the present moment instead of from our cultural conditioning. We would operate from a place that was free of judgmental preconceptions – and that is the ultimate definition of freedom.

Mikaya Heart is the author of several books, including The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women.


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