Recently I was asked for a list of things that are not generally known about women’s sexual responses and desires. Since women vary enormously, this is a little hard to do–and perhaps that is the most important thing that most people don’t realize. But here is a little list I made up anyway:
1. The size, shape, and color of women’s labia vary, and so does the position and size of the clitoral head. In some women, it can be quite hard to find when it’s not aroused. Some women never enjoy clitoral stimulation anyway–so talk about it.
2. It’s possible for women to have great sex without an orgasm. Some women don’t come easily, and greatly prefer to have sex without an orgasm than to have a lover ‘try’ to make them come, which only makes them tense.
3. Only about ten percent of women come through intercourse alone. Most women find it easier to orgasm during intercourse if they are on top, so once again–talk about it. If you are one of the many women who only come when using a vibrator, you can do that while you are on top. You can also position yourself to get the maximum amount of stimulation in the right places.
4. Some women hardly produce any natural lubrication even when very aroused, and most women report that the use of artificial lubrication really enhances their enjoyment. It also helps to prevent uterine infections. You can buy lube at most pharmacists. Don’t hesitate to use plenty of it.
5. Even with a vibrator, some women need more than half an hour of direct stimulation. Some women I know have two vibrators so they can switch to the other one when the first one gets too hot.
6. What turns a woman on may vary enormously during a single cycle or arousal. For example, a woman may only want her nipples touched very gently at the beginning of a sexual interaction, but once she is close to orgasm, she may want quite hard stimulation on them.
7. Most women report that they have very different kinds of orgasm at different times of the month, with different lovers, with different stimulation, and at different times in their lives. (I am fond of saying that if we talked about sex as much as we ‘should,’ we would have at least twenty different words to describe different orgasms).
Mikaya Heart is author of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women and other books. www.mikayaheart.org