Clothing ranges, fragrances, coffee, booze and jewelry, it seems that nothing is safe from celebrity endorsements nowadays. They are as omnipotent as the personalities that back them, seeping into every aspect of our everyday lives. Not content with the millions earned through record sales, movie rights and bloated sporting salaries, David Beckham’s latest foray into the world of fashion reflects the growing and seemingly insatiable appetite of some stars that will put their names to just about anything in an attempt to satisfy their bottomless greed and egomaniacal cravings for world domination. Though, for every ‘Air Jordan’ there’s countless ‘air-balls’ where a celebrity’s judgment is so misplaced as to leave us mere mortals screaming, ‘Seriously, what the hell were you thinking?’
Titan board-treader Sylvester Stallone famously wrote the Oscar-winning Rocky movie all by himself – though was not solely responsible for the eighteen sequels and countless Rambos that followed – so what could be more fitting than for him to release his own line of pens? On top of that mammoth achievement, mumbler Stallone, in a philanthropic quest even released his own line of High Protein Pudding so we all too could acquire the bulging muscle-head’s physique. Rocky Rice Pudding, yummy.
Maybe during one of their surely numerous profound on-set Rocky III discussions, the Italian Stallion perhaps passed on a few money making tips to Hulk Hogan in order that he too could keep the bank balance afloat. So, not wanting to be outdone, the peroxide pugilist went on to release his own line of foodstuff and certainly not the kind befitting of any wannabe budding athlete. ‘The Hulkster Double Cheeseburger’ promises a calorific overload to anyone man enough to tackle the ‘Flame Broiled Burger on a Bun’ and if that’s not enough, why not wash it down with a can of sugar ‘n’ caffeine packed ‘Hulk Energy Drink’? “If anyone is in need of their own energy drink, it’s me,” said the clearly shattered wrestler upon its release. But that’s not all. The orange-skinned superstar even turned his hand to Italian cuisine with his own line of canned pasta, available in two varieties: Hulk’-U’s and Hulkaroos. Parmesan cheese, anyone?
We don’t like to speak ill of the dead, but who in their right minds would want to eat a Michael Jackson Premium Chocolate Bar? Maybe they came in handy when the Jesus Juice ran out…
And finally on the subject of digestible goods, rapper Nelly blessed the whole of mankind with his own canned beverage. Its name? ‘Pimp Juice’. Really, Nelly? Really?
Katie Price, aka Jordan, British glamour model and general tabloid fodder had clearly decided that a new career direction was in order when she opted to delve into the world of publishing with the release of her own range of children’s books. Her kids have to have something to read to her at bedtime, right?
Ah, Paris Hilton, is there nothing you won’t do? A certain video implies not, but enough of that. She too opted for a more serious life challenge, indulging the publishing world with her unparalleled artistry by releasing the one and only ‘Paris Hilton Scrapbook’. “I love scrapbooking, being creative is so hot,” she said. Quite. Other Hilton products include innumerable perfumes, hair extensions, footwear, clothing ranges and even her own motorcycle team. It’s surely just a matter of time before she gets that Nobel Prize.
And in possibly the sickest celebrity endorsement of all time, ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the ‘Kiss Kaskets’. Yup, you read it right. The hell-raising Rock Band can send you to heaven (or hell) in the weirdest coffin, no, idea, we’ve ever encountered. Bury your dead in a coffin emblazoned with painted pictures of the face-painted Rocker weirdos and seal it with a, ahem, Kiss. I’d love to see the look on the priest’s face when that one gets pulled out of the hearse.
Jamie Christian Desplaces is a contributor at the Hollywood Ringer, which features commentary on celebrity news and gossip.
PS: Dangerous Lee speaking here. I’ll take the Michael Jackson chocolate and so will millions of others