When I first wrote The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women, I interviewed twenty-six women in depth and received more than fifty questionnaires. We may be sure that these were all women who have an easy time with sex, since women who have a difficult time with sex rarely want to talk about it, but still, I was really amazed at the incredible variety of women’s sexual responses. It was a very educational experience both for me and for the women I interviewed, because we all started thinking about sex in more depth. Most people avoid thinking too much about sex in their daily lives, because they are afraid of feeling sexual at inappropriate times. When we do examine what goes on for us in that very non-rational realm where we feel sexual arousal, it is amazing what kinds of possibilities we can open up to.
One of the key reasons I wrote that book is because I was concerned that many women put stops on their sexual arousal because they want to be sure they are “doing it right.” In reality there is no such thing as “right” or “normal” when it comes to sex. There is just what feels good to you, and what you and your partner negotiate. I’ve mentioned the art of negotiation before and no doubt I will mention it again, since it is essential to be able to discuss what you do in bed with whoever you are doing it with. You may be surprised and delighted what you find out when you start talking freely.
It’s very common for women who ejaculate to feel nervous or embarrassed, since there are still plenty of people in the world (some of them unfortunately in the medical profession) who don’t believe that women ejaculate, and when they meet someone who does, they think it’s weird. In fact, it is surprisingly common, perhaps more so amongst lesbians, since it is associated with the G-spot which is more easily stimulated with fingers than with a penis.
I am often asked where is the G-spot (also known as the urethral sponge), so here you are: when a woman lies on her back and the person sitting beside her puts two fingers inside her vagina and curls those fingers upwards, towards the woman’s belly, then pulls said fingers out of the vagina (gently), the tips of the fingers will have run over the G-spot. When a woman is aroused, that area often feels a little engorged and sometimes covered with tiny bumps, like a strawberry.
Some women don’t find the G-spot to be a particularly erotic spot and others jump through the roof when it’s touched. Some actually find stimulation in that area uncomfortable because it makes them feel like they want to pee. Indeed, the sensation of ejaculating is initially somewhat like peeing. It’s a sense of letting go and pushing out. As with all kinds of stimulation, touching the G-spot will feel quite different to a woman at different stages of her arousal, so if at first it doesn’t feel good, there is no need to give up right away. However, there is no need to push it either—perhaps that kind of touch just isn’t for you, and if so, it doesn’t matter. There are an unlimited number of ways to touch and be touched, so you can choose what works for you.
Some women ejaculate without knowing it, and without G-spot stimulation. Here is a quote from one of my interviewees: I was completely unaware of ejaculating until I filled in your questionnaire. Then I talked with my partner, who was astonished that I didn’t realize that I ejaculate profusely when highly orgasmic, usually with oral stimulation. I said, “I thought all that wetness was just spit!” “No, no, no!” said he.
More on this fascinating subject next week . . .
Mikaya Heart is an award-winning author and a life-coach. www.mikayaheart.org