When I was a kid, one of my mother’s favorite mantras was, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” I got so sick of hearing it that I never inflicted that adage on my own daughter—though I did urge her to keep trying when she failed at some task, or something seemed beyond her grasp.

In most cases it’s good advice: If you fail at something, “get back on the horse” (to use another oft-repeated saying) and try again. But not always. What if it’s your marriage that has failed? Should you and your ex try again?

There is a woman I know, a business connection, who, when I met her, was going through a break-up with her husband. Her children, needless to say, were unhappy that Mommy and Daddy didn’t live together anymore. The kids, as is common, wanted their parents back together. Eventually—and largely for the kids’ sake, I believe—the woman decided to try again and reconciled with her husband. Some months later, I asked her how it was going. The answer I got was that the same old problems as always persisted in the relationship. I called her yesterday and got her cellphone’s voicemail. I immediately noticed that when she identified herself on her outgoing message, it was by her first and maiden names only, without her marriage name appended at the end as she had formerly styled herself (“Jane Doe-Brown”). I think I am safe in assuming that the reconciliation attempt didn’t work and that she is now “working a single” again.

It’s tempting to praise her for having the (choose one or more: gumption, patience, stick-to-it-iveness, faith, perseverance, determination, willingness) to try again…but wait! Remember, this was all about the kids. So how do you think the kids were affected by the reconciliation and re-break-up?

If their response was typical, the second break-up may have been an even more bitter pill to swallow than the first. When parents get divorced, it’s usually hardest on the kids of anyone, but if the parents get back together only to break up once again, this second time around can be even more devastating to the kids than the first. They’ve just relaxed, thinking their torn-up world has been put to rights, only to be totally brought down again.

At best, it means “only” that Dad has moved out. At worst, the new break-up may mean Mom and the kids moving to a new home—possibly even a new city or state, if she’s determined to get far away from her ex and the temptation to try yet again in the future. Even if the move is only to a rental apartment across town, it’s likely to involve a new school for the kids. There are all kinds of shattering changes that are tangential to a divorce. Quite frequently the impact extends well beyond the simple fact of Daddy moving out.

Does this mean that you should never try again? No, but it does mean you should think twice before doing so, and exercise some sensible caution.

If you’re getting back together with your ex-husband (or estranged husband) for the sake of the kids, you need to stop and think what the impact on them will be if they get their hopes up only to see the marriage fail for a second time.

What are the odds of that happening? Very good, alas, unless some substantive steps have been taken. Marriage counseling is one such step. If you and your ex go through marriage counseling together and really listen to the counsellor and take proactive steps to change your marital patterns, you have some chance—not a guarantee, but some chance—of breaking out of your former unsatisfactory patterns. If the marital discord resulted from a problem such as substance abuse—drugs or alcohol—and the addicted person seeks help for his/her addiction, there is likewise a chance. It’s hard to beat an addiction on your own. Whether your ex (or you) chooses to enter a residential treatment center, finds help thru Alcoholics Anonymous or a similar program for drug abusers, sees a private counsellor who specializes in such problems, or gets help elsewhere, getting help is key. It’s damn near impossible to beat such a problem on will power alone. I do know a man who saved his marriage by beating his drinking problem through religion (and has been sober for over five years now), but that’s an approach that doesn’t always work either.

The point is, to re-cement your marriage—whether the problem was substance abuse, out-of-control anger, infidelity, lack of communication, or some other issue—it almost always takes outside help to change the root problem. Without that help, and even with the best of intentions on the part of both partners, the old patterns are likely to recur.

So then, what of the old adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? With all due respect to my late mother, it’s bad advice if you’re divorced (or separated) and haven’t had some sort of outside help (and not just advice from a caring friend). There are times when old adages are bad advice, and there are times when simply “trying harder” isn’t the answer. “For the sake of the kids”? For the sake of the kids, don’t do it.

Related articles

• When Your Parents Are The Problem (dangerouslee.biz)
• Tight Budget? Barter! (dangerouslee.biz)
• Other Kids Have Problems Too! (dangerouslee.biz)