I want to say more about that thing called love: it’s my favorite subject. In this society we tend to equate the word yes with I love you and the word no with I don’t love you. They are completely different things. Saying yes means that it will bring you joy to do this thing. Saying no means that it would be a betrayal of your true self if you did it; and loving someone is not about giving up your true self. Do you have people in your life who try to persuade you to do things even when you have clearly said no? Get rid of them. A person who does not respect your ability to decide what’s right for you is not a good friend.

Many people are pretty bad at saying no, but the problem is that you cannot say yes, and really mean it, until you can also say no. They are both about being truly who you are in the world, without apology, without denial; accepting that you are not perfect but you are unique, and your being-ness is a gift to the world. Note that I did not say your doing-ness is a gift to the world. We are human beings, not human doings.  Life is not about what you produce, it’s about who you are.

This is very relevant to relationships. Women are told they are meant to be care-takers and they often take care of their partners, making sure they are having a good time, before they attend to themselves. An astonishing number of women tell me they can have orgasms when they are alone, through masturbation, but not when they are with their partner. This is usually because they are so focused on being with their partner that they are not really present in their own bodies. Sometimes it is the greatest gift a woman can give to herself and to her partner to decide she is just going to focus on what she wants, and get more into allowing her body to feel the fullness of desire, letting it respond exactly as it wishes, without any concern for how her partner is with it. If it’s necessary to talk about it, that can happen afterwards – but a good lover is always delighted when his/her partner really lets go. Are you reading this, all you guys out there? Encourage her to get wild.

Lots of women also get caught in that trap of wanting to have an orgasm in order to please their partner, and I often hear men talking about wanting to give their partner an orgasm. That’s a dynamic that needs to go in the garbage – a woman’s orgasm is hers, and no one else can give it to her. I’m not saying don’t give her pleasure, just don’t put pressure on her to come. She’ll come when she is fine and ready, not when you want her to. An orgasm cannot be forced, only allowed.

Let’s get back to love. Here is an extract from my memoir, My Sweet Wild Dance:  “I want those three little words, I love you, to mean, ‘I see the wholeness of all that you are in this moment, and I accept you without judgment, honoring your unique infinite beauty. In this moment, my heart is joined with yours and I know that we are not separate beings. I support you absolutely in being fully who you are, even if that means that you will go away and I will never see you again.’ “

That’s enough for today. I decided I should write less more often. It’s less overwhelming, for you and for me.

Mikaya Heart is an author and life-coach. For more information, check out www.mikayaheart.org

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