SOLO PARENTING

Usually in this space I write about solo parenting as it relates for the most part, to divorced women, and occasionally to widows. But this week I want to address a different population: women whose hubands are long-term-temporarily out of the house either because the man has been incarcerated in jail/prison or because he is undergoing rehab for a drug or alcohol problem.

In an upcoming column I’ll deal with wives whose husbands are absent due to either military service or protracted business obligations—something more than a one-week business trip. But this week, let’s focus on women whose husbands are either in jail or in rehab.

This situation presents you with a variety of problems and one opportunity.

The problems? Let’s consider the three main ones:

• Diminished income

• The difficulty of coping logistically without him

• Telling the kids where Daddy is

The opportunity? If your husband is a criminal or has a serious drug or alcohol problem, he may not be someone you wish to remain married to, or to have around the kids 24/7. Being alone while he’s away will give you a trial run at living alone and parenting single-handedly. This is your chance to see which is the more attractive life for you—having help with the kids but having to deal with his problems, or going it alone but not having to cope with what may be a bad situation.

Of course, not every person who is jailed is a “bad guy.” As good as our judicial system is, it isn’t perfect, and innocent people do get found guilty. Even if he’s guilty as charged, his crime may not be one that’s indicative of a personality problem that would impact on your kids or you. Is he a violent criminal, whose presence in the house presents a danger to you and/or the kids? Or did he commit a white-collar crime, while possessing the proverbial personality of someone who wouldn’t hurt a flea?

Not all who are arrested are “criminals” in the usual sense of the word, either, even if they did commit a crime. I know of a real-life case in which a minister offered marital/family counseling for a fee and was arrested for practicing medicine without a license. This person has a Master’s degree with a specialty in counseling and honestly didn’t know he was doing anything illegal. It seems, however, that state law requires a person get a mental health license before offering counseling for a fee. Lacking that license, he unknowingly committed a crime when he placed his ad and subsequently counseled the only person who answered it…who turned out to be an undercover operative from the Department of Health. He was arrested, charged, tried, and found guilty of a felony. The only reason he didn’t go to jail was that he had obtained the services of a really good lawyer. But he is now a convicted felon, and therefore can no longer vote or own a handgun or serve on a jury. Does he fit your idea of a “criminal”? Mine neither. But he was this close to spending some serious time as the “guest” of a state institution.

My point in telling you this story? Not every person who is arrested or convicted—even in cases where he/she unquestionably committed the crime—is a “criminal” in the everyday sense of the word. If your husband unknowingly broke the law with no ill intentions, I don’t think you have to worry that he’s going to be a bad influence on the kids if he sticks around.

They may, however, still have to deal with the stigma of “Your daddy’s a bad guy. Your daddy’s in jail.”

This brings us back to the question of what you’re going to tell the kids about where Daddy is, and what you’re going to advise them to tell others. If you live in a small, tight-knit community, chances are that the word is out anyhow. If not, you may be well advised to caution your kids against blabbing Daddy’s whereabouts…yet you have to do this in a way that doesn’t make it seem that you’re ashamed of where he is or that you feel they should be ashamed either. “Daddy made a mistake and did something he knew was wrong, and now he’s being punished, just like when you do something wrong” is a simple way to explain his absence to the younger ones. Older kids deserve a more explicit answer. But as for what they tell others, you’ll have to be the best judge of that, given the circumstances of where you live, how old your kids are, and the circumstances under which your husband was arrested.

And what if he’s in rehab rather than in jail? “Daddy’s got some health problems, and he’s gone somewhere where they can help make him feel better” is good enough for little ones. They can respond similarly if asked by others as to where Daddy is. Two important points to make sure your kids understand, though:

One: He isn’t suffering from something as minor as a cold or an upset stomach. You don’t want the kids worrying that if they get sick, they, too, might have to go away.

Two: He will get better from his problem. You don’t want the kids worrying that if it’s more serious, maybe Daddy’s going to die, either.

If his drug or alcohol problems were evident, if his behavior was erratic at best or threatening at worst, if the kids knew that there was something amiss, you can tell the kids that Daddy’s getting help for the problem that “made him be like that.” If they’re older, and they understand or at least suspect that drugs or drinking was the problem, don’t deny it, but stress that he is getting help because he wants to fight his problem. Again, what you advise them to tell others who ask where he is is going to depend in part on your community, and whether everyone there knows everyone else’s business, as well as the ages of your kids.

I cannot tell you how to handle the money problems that are likely when you no longer have an income coming in from him, but be aware the problm is almost sure to arise. As for the logistics issue, how much of a problem his absence will present will depend largely on how helpful he was with the kids under ordinary circumstances. Dd he do a lot of kid-chauffeuring, homework help, household chores, and other tasks? Or not? Was he instrumental and effective in disciplining the kids, and do you feel up to the challenge of handling this responsibility single-handedly? The days of “Wait till your father gets home” punishments are mostly behind us, but you may still be used to leaning on him for rules-enforcement.

On the other hand, to come back to something I said before, if you find you can get along rather well without him, and if his drug or drinking problem, or his propensity for breaking the law, is a problem to you, a bad example for the kids, or an issue for the kids vis-à-vis his behavior, this is a good trial run to see if you might be better off raising the kids as a single mom.

Time will tell.

And if raising the kids on your own proves more than you can handle, you know it’s a finite situation. Unlike the divorcée or widow, you know that eventually your husband will be back.

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