SOLO PARENTING

by Cynthia MacGregor

Despite all the current focus on bullying, there’s nothing  inherently new about the problem. It’s been with us since time immemorial. Yes, the computer age has brought us cyberbullying, which didn’t exist before email, IMs, social media, and cellphones…but it’s merely a new twist on an old problem.

So how does the subject of bullying relate to solo parenting, and why are we dealing with it here?

Simple: Bullies typically pick on kids they perceive as weak or easily intimidated, and the child living in a household with no male parent present—even if the father is alive and living nearby—is a tempting target for many bullies. This is particularly true of physical bullying, as opposed to cyberbullying. The bully picks on someone smaller but fears the intervention of someone bigger…such as his target’s father. No dad in the home? Great target!

What to do

What can your child do if he or she is being picked on by a bully, and what can or should you do?

Whether you’ve taught your child to fight back or back away when someone takes the first swing, there are several things to be considered here.

1 – Bullies don’t necessarily hit. Sometimes they “merely” intimidate, threaten, taunt, or tease. If your child hits in response, he could be considered the aggressor.

2 – Bullies usually pick on someone smaller or weaker. If your child fights back, he or she is likely to get the worst of it.

3 – Bullies sometimes work in pairs or groups, so that even if your child is bigger or stronger than one of them, or than each of them, he/she cannot outfight all of them. As a child, I was bullied by a trio composed of a male classmate and two older girls. Each one of the three was, by himself or herself, bigger and stronger than I was. Together they were invincible.

If you get involved, again there are considerations.

1 – The bully may tease your child even worse because your child “ran to his mommy.” When my own daughter was bullied, and I intervened, the bullies (there were a group of them) redoubled their efforts in response.

2 – If the bullying is taking place at school, or on the way to or from school, consider calling the principal. Bear in mind, though, that some schools have a strict hands-off policy when it comes to any problems outside of school grounds and school hours (other than aboard schoolbuses). Fortunately, however, others are more proactive and more protective.

3 – You can always try going to the bully’s mother or father. It may be that the bully’s parents don’t care, or cannot control their child, but it’s worth a try.

4 – Depending on the severity of the problem, and depending on policies in your town, it might be deemed a police matter.

One very useful step you can take is to enroll your child—whether male or female—in some sort of self-defense program. This might or might not be a martial arts course. Some of the best ones are grounded in martial arts, but there are others that follow other disciplines and still do quite fine.

The idea behind enrolling your child in a self-defense course is actually twofold: Not only will he or she be better able to defend himself against bullies should one take the first swing at him (whether literally a punch, or a push or some other physical aggression), but he will walk unafraid. Once he knows he can handle aggressors, he will not be as easily cowed by bullies, and once they see he is now more fearless, they will be more inclined to leave him alone.

Many schools are now taking a stand against bullying, and if enough parents bring enough pressure to bear on the administration, the principal and other powers that be will realize something needs to be done. Someone needs to be the first mom to call the school. Why not you? And encourage your friends, or the parents of your child’s friends and classmates, to call also.

If your ex-husband still lives in the area, encourage him to get involved. If your child is being targeted for bullying because he lives in a one-parent household, and the bullies see that his dad still takes an active role in fathering and defending him nonetheless, they’ll be more incline to choose a different target.

Can bullying be stopped altogether? Hardly likely…any more than wars can be stopped. Some people are by nature aggressive. They start arguments. They bully. They start wars. But your child doesn’t have to be the target. Enroll him or her in a self-defense course. Get the school involved. Get your ex involved. There are some things you can do to help your child…without accompanying him or her to school every day and facing down the bullies yourself. Take a stand. Fight back. Keep your child from being the victim!

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Cynthia MacGregor is the author of over 100 books, many of them for parents or kids, many of which help with difficult situations. These include The Divorce Helpbook for Teens and The Divorce Helpbook for Kids, After Your Divorce, and Jigsaw Puzzle Family. All four of these are available through Amazon.com or from your bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers. Her books also include Solo Parenting and “Step” This Way, available as e-books from http://www.secretcravingspublishing.com/LivingandLearningMain.html. She is also the host of Solo Parenting on WHDT TV in the South Florida viewing area. Cynthia’s website is www.cynthiamacgregor.com. Email her at Cynthia@cynthiamacgregor.com.